November is a month that moves me in and out of heaven and hell. I had spoken about how it felt to be in "heaven" and "hell" in the past (see here), this time it seems a little different. I began to feel that, it is now in the conscious mind, never mind the external environments. This means that in a much broader sense, even if a person died, his body is only dead, not his spirits, implying his consciousness may still sense about things. How the spirits sense about things, whether it senses heaven or hell depends on the "mood" of the spirits. I guess when one is sleeping and dreaming, that appears like an experience where the body leaves the soul. In one's dream, one really felt like one is "floating" everywhere with all sort of emotions. As to the "mood" of the spirits, I think we can cultivate them and nurture while we are alive. To me, November 2011 gives me such good opportunity to do that.
November is busy because I was involved an "exercise" that has 2 deadlines and a teaching observation. I also have to finish writing a book chapter and submit to publisher. Furthermore, I have two full modules to lecture, Wednesday and Thursday and I have to visit London on two consecutive weekends. Obviously I anticipated this way before in September and has been quite cautious as time drew near, making sure I plan every single details along the way. As time and as November approach, I realise even being very organised like what I used to be, I cannot help but still that is not enough. Well, apart from all that as stated above,there are few meetings along the way. I just felt I simply don't have enough time. It felt just like HELL!!
Well, even that may feel like HELL, my positive side tells me, "hey let's take one week at a time" or "take one at a time". Yes, indeed, in theory that should work. Unfortunately, it didn't feel like it, it felt so drained, I move from one week to the next, working on each deadline, together with preparing for TWO lecture each time (and I am giving 2 2-hour per week), I just felt I want all these to be over soon. I kept telling myself no matter what, I will stick to my swimming routine, doing 3 times a week, which I did. Swimming becomes like a form of meditation, it sorts of tell me, keep going just I strive to keep my balance and speed when I swim, never stop or slow down until I finished my 500 meter each time I swim.
As the weeks passed, I finished tasks after tasks, racing one deadlines after another. The final deadline was the toughest, the written submission about my teaching, where I suddenly needs to reflect on why I do what I do on learning, etc. Something that didn't cross my mind not one bits in the past 7 years of my teaching in Higher Education. So it felt like a research paper to write. I search literature, I made sense of the theory and application to my teaching. I felt so "run out of time", as when I began doing this, I find myself only two weeks left to complete this. Then I realised I have to set exam papers for my two modules, apart from the normal two lectures I gave weekly, so it does felt a little nervous. The written submissions needed a lot of concentration and focus, so I told myself, "let's work early in the morning then, be motivated, get up early, be a early riser", and I did that, woke up often about 3.30 or 4 am to work, it works. I kept telling myself, focus, focus, focus, there is a time and place to do anything, let's not get distracted, even with lecturing on the same day, I put them aside. I end up preparing my lecture 48 hours before. It is a bit rush, but it forced me to get on with it and get it done! then calmly, I presented myself in the lecture.
One week before I hand in my written submission, I felt ill. I am sure it is from the foodstuff I took. I began to feel a bit of sore throat. I stop going for my regular swims, and I took time to recover from it, taking things slightly easily, though still going to lecture, give lecture in my hoarse voice, off and on feeling feverish, but I got on, woke up still at early hour to continue writing my written submission on teaching and keep my thoughts flowing to tell a good story. At times, I put things aside and I meditate, keeping a cool head then focus myself back, telling myself take one at a time. I didn't feel I cannot do task though. It is just too many things crowded all at once. It needs a bit of taking a step back before moving forward again, off and on, it comes and go. It is the sort of strategy I used to keep myself alive on creating and telling the story. It's the working of the mind.
I saw my boss on the day of submitting the written submission. I told her that, I wrote 10000 words for that, and she was a little shocked, but then I said to her, after all that it still felt good because it made sense. The whole story came through. I am also learning something from it, about my teaching and all that, except that if it is given more time, it could be a bit more relaxed. So, that was it. I completed that final submission and handed it in. So, was that heaven or hell in the process? I like to think it is heaven, but it was a created one. You have to earn that and it does not come free. I did feel like hell I was in with all other deadlines and work all coming at once.
If you believe in after life, and believe in hell and heaven, then even in hell (for whatever reason you go there), you can still get to heaven. Make an effort, do something, you will get there. It's a state of mind, it's not what happen out there, it's in you, your conscious mind working for you. You can work on it, work it well, why not do it while you still can, get prepared, get ready and think beyond. :D
0 comments:
Post a Comment