Losing my "mind"

"... and my 'reflection' finds it back"

"Sitting still and do nothing" (i.e., meditation) for 25 to 40 minutes a day helps me to re-charge. It helps me practice 'awareness', and enable me to take 'precaution' or 'preempt' it to prevent it from affecting me. I had a few challenges last few days and dealing with them helped me gain new insights into what other effect 'meditation' could have.

Last Friday was one of those few days that I worked till quite late in my office. It was until about 7.30 pm that I left my office, after realising all my days' hard work to install CPLEX on the Linux OS still didn't work out quite well. It certainly didn't feel like a productive day. That night, I still tried and do a bit of meditation, though it was cut short to only 10 minutes, since it was late and I don't like to have my dinner too late. Anyway, I didn't feel my level of concentration was good, though it didn't affect me to large extent, I kind of feel 'something not right' throughout my meditation

On Saturday, i.e., the following day, I still felt I could 'do better' in term of the focus of my mind. Saturday should not be considered as a 'bad' day because I was getting on with my other research and it actually made progress. In addition, the weather was good. Saturday was a bright sunny day, and the more I should feel 'brighten up', but I didn't. After some reflections, I conclude that I was perhaps still held 'in the past' on my Friday's work commitment to the software installation, which failed. I was 'held back' to the extent I still hung myself in that and not moving, though not necessarily mean I would be stressed up. It is just that I had not 'let go' of it. My mind was as if in a 'stagnant' state. Other than that, constantly replying and looking out for students' emails during this period, arising from the examination, also put me off thinking in term of 'living the present moment'. This was because I was at times shocked and angry with students' excessive demand of what they want from me. And that didn't help.

As I began to see what's holding me back, I began to see that I should learn to 'let it go'. I guess I missed out one important step when dealing with myself over the matter, and that is 'acceptance'. My theory is that, due to the lack of 'awareness', I failed to see 'what's missing' and acknowledgement and acceptance were being pushed out of the way. As I began to "see" this in my meditation today, I then slowly channel my thoughts and focus onto the present moment. For example, feeling the joys (at least inner joy) of the good weather and involvement of housework routine, which are all good experiences. I learnt that if my head is occupied with something, I would immediately lose touch with my surrounding, and is even harder when I subconsciously occupied with things that was not to my knowledge. Therefore, constant reflection in daily life does serve some good purpose. And this has worked well for me today! :D

Making sense of 'Positive Thinking"

"As human, how fragile and yet resilient we all are..."

A chat with my research student brightened my mind the other day, as I began to make sense of the rationale of 'Positive Thinking'. It could be all explained using Logical thinking and the principal of mutually exclusivity. 

If you see the future is made up of many possibilities, then here we are now/at present moment is just one of the many possibilities that took place in our life from the past. Put it simply, it is by chance where we ended up at the present moment, even if we had tried very hard to reach the point of where we are now, you cannot deny each and every step you took since you were borne cannot all be explained simply by your 'effort". For example, the fact you are borne to be a certain race is definitely by chance, not choice. If you can appreciate that, then it become easier to proceed.

If whatever that happened to us was by chance, then the happening of one event would exclude the happening of another. It is reasonable and realistic to assume that there bounds to be in most cases two likely outcomes, the positive and the negative ones. It is, however hard to value or weigh the negatives and the positives. Human tolerance may help weigh negative outcome and made things easier. Tolerance levels, however, differ from people to people

Therefore, since we have no choice about possibilities in our life that could take place and if it looks like things most of the times happened by chance, and more importantly there would definitely be good and bad outcomes of all possibilities, so isn't it better to be positive? To me that makes sense. Looking at the bigger picture, if you reflect upon your life since you were borne, you would realize as humans, how fragile and yet resilient we all can be. So, just be positive! :D

Comfort Zone is not that bad

"There is light in the comfort zone. There is life there. Stay and enjoy."

Recently there is a nice little video that I kept seeing friends sharing on fb. It is called 'it depends on what you believe'. It's about the process of having a dream and the barriers underlying it, which the narrator broke it down into the panic, comfort and the learning zones. It aims to tell people why sometimes "moving forward" seems so difficult. I then reflected upon my achievement so far in this life and asked if I ever was trapped in those zones. I guess perhaps I had, but it seems not in that linear order.

The most appropriate that relate to my 'dream' should be how I got out of Singapore more than 10 years ago. I, however, cannot say that is my 'dream' or there is a known 'zone' I was trapped in, comfort or learning zone. Obviously like all young people in their early twenties, just out of the University, you have dreams, you want to achieve so much in such a short period of time. And yes, what's the past that others expect of you or what they suggested to you affected your perception of a 'dream' to chase after. I guess I was quite affected by what one of my closest Uncle always believe, to excel in a job/career in "marketing". I was always aware that I was under the 'influence' (which not necessarily a bad thing, it could be a "good" guide) but on the other hand, on the look out to 'take control', so as to do things that is truly from my perspective. Being younger at the time, what actually move me forward is the fearless sense of 'I can always start all over'.

In my earlier years of struggle to make a career in Singapore, which is almost similar to this case, except that I didn't get myself into depression, perhaps I understand the value of knowing people. I guess it is hard not for people to attach any motive behind for knowing important people in their life. That is because that seems to be the 'short cut' to luck if the 'right' people turn up. To make it short, I did had my 'opportunity' knocking my door because I knew some 'right' people, though that was not the outcome I had expected. Perhaps it's the personalities, how you relate to people bring you some good vibes which could dynamically transform into all sort of possibilities, and yes, my personalities also expose me to both 'good' and 'bad' people, which I had learned about only after a few years, still I am thankful for the 'good' people I met along the way.

Sometimes, no matter how hard one try to make things happen and if they had not, we should ask ourselves honestly if some changes are necessary. If so, how fast such changes should come. Perhaps we may be so accustomed to the 'status quo' that we won't want to have any changes, which is what the video labelled as 'comfort' zone. I actually strongly think we can still see 'light' at the end of the tunnel in the comfort zone and live with it, as long as we know what we want and what to expect (expect the "realistic things" of course).

"Reaching out to your dream" means different things, in different stages in our life. There is no need to think "too big" especially if you are in the earlier stage of your career. Just do ONE THING, do it well and you know where it leads you to. Simply because you need a process experiencing your true competence. For me, I didn't have much experience finding a role or career that allow my competence to show fully in my earlier years, and I had then become experimental, aiming to locate where my strength lie. Having that in mind, you would find your strength one day and a job that suit you and then you  started to think about your dream. In the current stage of my life, having been through all that, "dream" is still relevant, but comfort zone seems more valuable. I am more than happy to just stay it this way for very long time because I simply enjoy it. Being there, done that, bought the T-shirt, like they all said.

Happiness and Luck

"Can you trade happiness for luck?"

Researchers never stop their quest on humans reasons for happiness. And the latest findings appear to, shockingly, claim that "Happiness is thinking you’re getting luckier than your friends." Some claimed that such happiness that derived by 'comparing with others', is going to cause unhappiness. The research findings didn't reveal how people would react if they know their peers are 'luckier' than they themselves. Will that make them unhappy?

Actually, It's quite natural for humans to compare with others. We always like to think of ourselves a little better than others, even in actual fact, it is not the case. It's the little thing that make us feel a bit better, and it is a 'good feeling'. I guess it is no harm having a bit of 'stroke' on our ego at times, as long as it is not harming others. Obviously, it is quite likely that, if we are not careful, we may lose our composure and over-reacted to the fact that we are a lot better and luckier than our friends, and that won't be in our favour, especially if we lost ourselves in front of our friend.

Reading the findings make me think once again about the nature of happiness, which in my opinion, should come from within. The appreciation, understanding and accepting of oneself. There is calm, peace and then happiness will eventually emerge. I would call this type of happiness comes with an underlying sense of purity. While feeling happy out of comparison with others, is out of the fact that our ego is being 'stroked'. I think both type of happiness are entirely different, but they do genuinely serve some good purposes.

Quality of life?

 "perhaps whatever that helps you to plan?"

Recently in Singapore, the government tried out a new way to ease crowds during peak hours for its MRT (underground) network. by granting free access to the network, for those travelling before 7.45 am on the weekday, and not applicable on weekend. I am expecting this to attract huge 'mad rush' given that it is not often that things are 'free' and even more so in Singapore. The follow-up question is, if you arrived the office so early, what would you do? Some say it might end up working for longer hours, while others start doing planning for their days if they were to arrive early in office.

A few friends have been commenting that it is hard to say if Singapore has any sense of work-life balance at all. The working hours are rigid, rules are strict on staff flexibility with office hours. Perhaps that is an issue about 'value' and 'work ethnics'. One other friend in the past asked me how the UK survive if most of their shops close at 6 pm everyday? Interestingly, it happened and they have no problem with it. I guess gone are the days where the old Asian-type value about 'working hard' dominate what most would think as the determinant of success factor for an economy. There are always more than one way of doing the same things, and more so when considering different cultural backgrounds.

I only feel lucky with my situation in the UK, simply the fact that, I enjoy a healthy work-life balance, I am allowed to work from home and my boss would not doubt about 'what I do' at home. In fact, I choose my office hours, and can flexibly start my day, as long as I fulfilled my duty of 'teaching' and 'attending meetings'. Obviously, politics and others prevail (it is human that we are working with, right?), but there's another matter.

I am happy with the MRT service in Singapore despite previous episodes of delay and seems even more so increasingly. The only thing I complain is the lack of a day-ticket system (which can be understood as it would be costly and given the size of the population and the crowds, that perhaps won't be enough to make up for the loss of revenue from the day-ticket type scheme, which prevails in many cities already, such as London). Anyway, this inevitably affects plan and of course my 'work-life balance' each time I visit Singapore for short stay. But, there you go!

What makes a GREAT friendship?!

"There is a gentlemanly respect and tolerance between us, building on the mutual understandings accumulated over the years."

It's that time of the year where I should be planning for my trip home and getting in at the right time to book good bargain-hunting air-ticket. I inevitably think of my best friend in Singapore, FT. A colleague once said, as the more years you lived, the more you know it is impossible to establish new and lasting friendship with people you just knew, unless it's work or other social occasions, religiously related, family-related, etc. Anyway, this does not bother me very much, I count quality more important than quantity, and yes, less is more. I must have known FT for almost 20 years now. I knew him during my University day. As far as I can remember, that was towards the end of the final year, that I get closer to him, in term of talking about the future after University, etc. As we chat a bit more, I get to know more of FT. He seemed at times "let down" by friends by their seemingly mockery comments and that upset him. I thought perhaps he was quite sensitive, or perhaps his friends could have care a bit more about his feelings. I, however, can tell FT could be a little direct sometimes, but he means no harms and can be quite honest and willing to share his opinions. Once, seeing him again upset by his bunch of other friends again, I told him he can choose his friends no problem (not to imply that he should dump his other friends), just get on with it. I am not sure if it is because of that, our friendship gets better from then on.

It was FT who initially suggested that me and him to go sourcing for Overseas University Masters degree programs based in Singapore and to choose suitable one for us to help advance our career, as it seemed me and him also have a bit of problem on career progress at that time, when we are still at  early stage of working life. As it happens, things leading from one to another, I finally decided that I came to the UK to pursue my MBA in Leeds (rather than doing the distance program in Singapore). FT was not as lucky as me (as I got some financial loans from a good friend), so he didn't to follow me to come to the UK. However, I was not as lucky later as it turns out, since following my MBA completed in 1998, it was Asia Financial Crisis at its worst! I stayed behind to pursue my PhD until I completed it and started a full time academic career about 5 years ago.

FT, however, carried on with his life in Singapore, making every conscious effort to transform his career in the banking sector, as he was a civil servant initially for about 3 years. We kept in touch during my time in the UK, often using MSN to chat and communicate about just anything under the sun. FT later came to Nottingham University to do his MBA. We did visited each other as I was in Edinburgh at that time. After he returned to Singapore, his career progressed every well and I was really happy for him, working from bank to bank, with this role expanding from one to another, showing his increasingly important profile at work. He is currently heading a risk division in one foreign bank based in Singapore. He shared with me his experience on this latest role at work, not hiding from me that, behind all glamorous title holders in a bank, there is a always a dark (i.e., political) side, which I am sure, given his years of experiences, he will handle it well.

Thinking again about this friendship with FT and what makes it great (at least in my opinion, it is!), is that, I think we don't really have any expectation of each other. There is a gentlemanly respect and tolerance between us, that is built on the mutual understandings accumulated over the years. I remember when I visited him at Nottingham, he let me sleep on his bed, while he slept on the floor. In the morning, he tried to make scramble eggs for me, it didn't succeed, and we had a laugh. I still ate some of it. It's the thought that counts, and I appreciated a lot. Now each time when I was about to return back to UK, at the end of my holiday trip in Singapore, he would try to come to the airport to send me off, though sometimes he didn't make it, I still appreciated his thought.

I will always be thankful to FT, because without him, I probably won't see the importance of furthering my education. I probably would still be Singapore at this time and not even sure of my career progress. If FT gets closer to me, because I told him that he has to choose his friend, then I think I am very lucky. I like to think that he had chosen me as his friend. I am lucky. :D