Making sense of 'Positive Thinking"

"As human, how fragile and yet resilient we all are..."

A chat with my research student brightened my mind the other day, as I began to make sense of the rationale of 'Positive Thinking'. It could be all explained using Logical thinking and the principal of mutually exclusivity. 

If you see the future is made up of many possibilities, then here we are now/at present moment is just one of the many possibilities that took place in our life from the past. Put it simply, it is by chance where we ended up at the present moment, even if we had tried very hard to reach the point of where we are now, you cannot deny each and every step you took since you were borne cannot all be explained simply by your 'effort". For example, the fact you are borne to be a certain race is definitely by chance, not choice. If you can appreciate that, then it become easier to proceed.

If whatever that happened to us was by chance, then the happening of one event would exclude the happening of another. It is reasonable and realistic to assume that there bounds to be in most cases two likely outcomes, the positive and the negative ones. It is, however hard to value or weigh the negatives and the positives. Human tolerance may help weigh negative outcome and made things easier. Tolerance levels, however, differ from people to people

Therefore, since we have no choice about possibilities in our life that could take place and if it looks like things most of the times happened by chance, and more importantly there would definitely be good and bad outcomes of all possibilities, so isn't it better to be positive? To me that makes sense. Looking at the bigger picture, if you reflect upon your life since you were borne, you would realize as humans, how fragile and yet resilient we all can be. So, just be positive! :D

Foothold

When I was not communicating with my inner world, I found myself losing on my foothold. No mater how well I deal with the outside world, "something" remains missing and it seems that the wider the gap expands, the more stress it adds on. However, the process of filling that gap is an interesting one and worth the effort to find that out.

I continue looking for the "flow" in my daily life, which is quite a challenge to do so in the first semester of the University's calender, as I came to realise that, the relatively heavier workload for this semester actually is the source that distort that "flow", so I must get that back. A little rule that I used to restore the flow is to make sure, amidst the busy schedules at work, I made sure I fulfil all of them in satisfying fashion of an acceptable quality based on my own standard.

Today, an incident while swimming reinforce the importance of 'communicating with my inner world' in me. Lately, swimming didn't feel quite well 'flown'. I had a bit of a "bad back" and that hurts when you try to catch the breath to float when you swam. I sorted that out a while back, by going back to my basic mediation technique, focusing on my breathing. Today's incident was a different one because I no longer has the 'bad back' problem. It was, however, I rushed to swim fast, and that lost all the fun for me, and more so when there was also another swimmer in the lane, and that urge me more. As I didn't quite feel my momentum like in my usual swim, I was urgent to want to move quick and it didn't work.

Then, I started to focus on my speed and pace and forgot about the other swimmer. As I found my "comfort zone", which was me swimming slower than normal, I stick to it. I go with the flow and let myself go slow, and when later it became clear that should be my foothold, I gripped it hard and I was in control, I began to swim in an acceptable pace, which gradually became faster and faster. I was amazed by this rather unique "self-discovery" experience which was a bit of a personal growth for me, and should have an impact on me, whenever I  looked into myself in my 'inner world', looking for that much needed foothold.

Silent Stress

Smooth and clean breathing drains out all the stress, little by little....

I didn't feel "quite well" for a while since the first semester began beginning of October. We all have what we meant by 'don't feel quite well'. For me, "not feeling well" is when I sense 'things don't flow'. When things flow, I feel good. For things to flow, I have to feel the 'good flow' mainly from the 'quality of the breathing'. This then brought me good vibes, which could easily feel and connect to it because it will be all around you in the air.

I came to the knowledge I was "under stress" after my chat with Kim, a student who came to see me during the 'meet the tutees' week. Kim is a Spanish student from Gibraltar, which happen still to be a British Colony. Kim rejoined Loughborough from Newcastle University. She told me she loved sport and wanted a different university's experience. I began to find Kim engaging, perhaps because of her interesting background. She grew up in a British Colony and being a foreigner, travelling this far, she would have to be even more adaptable than other students from the home country. When Kim told me she would be representing the university in the cross-country competition and would be training quite regularly. I cannot agree more. I told her constant training is not only good for the practise, but help her to become more organised. She can, for example, plan for her studies surrounding with her training schedules, so that she would have her studies in place.

I shared with her about the focus of exercise I did in my daily life. The importance of it lies in the fact that constant daily exercises, walking, swimming, etc, are like built-in stabiliser because this help drains out unnecessary stress in daily life. When I shared with her about that, and then when later I thought back, I actually found myself under stress, but not to my knowledge. How ironical is that! What an interesting way to find out that I am under stress. Stress is so silent! It didn't speak a word and it is creepy! I then realized, when I am under stress, the quality of breathing can't even be made better while swimming. It seems that smooth and clean breathing is a channel to drain out all the stress.

The breath in and breath out process eases some built-in stresses and help clear the mind to make it focused. It is also quite likely that when one was under stress, it lost out on its focus and it felt like 'all over the place' for most things and this only add-on to more stress. Surely, we cannot expect life to be a smooth sailing voyage. Ups and downs in life are good, as it gives us opportunity to re-charge, which helped us to become better and stronger and keeping up with life's frequently changing momentum.

Experimenting 'Less is more"

"Feel it. Experiment it. internalized it."

The following poem written by Leon Basin, was titled as 'Life with Tao and Zen"

Fight without fighting
Learn without learning
Experience with the experience
Worth trying
Worth feeling
Worth denying
And worth killin’
Ego that binds us
Do not erase it
Hold it from overtaking you
Simplicity of no words can describe on how to go about it...

I like this poem because in a similar way, it seems to be what 'less is more' is meant to be. i.e., without doing 'too much'. The use of words, "fight" versus "fighting"; "learn" versus "learning". The continuous tenses of those words appear to imply a sense of actions or activities, which is unnecessary because fighting and learning happen all the times in us. It just happens and it is the way it is.

Ego forms the source of all the "actions". The truth is, there needs not be any 'action" and also no need to erase the existence of those 'actions'. It would be just enough to simply 'hold it' and not being taken over by it. We just need to practice some awareness

And yes, we can try feeling, denying or even doing all we can to kill the egos, but we cannot 'forget' it or erase it because it is there. I think, like water, ego in us should flow, that is why it is still worth trying or be experimental about it to feel it for yourselves, that way you could make it useful/constructive for you. Have fun!

Deep, Deeper and Deeper Still

 ".. Meditation slows down your thoughts..."

Not all admit that we do have a 'darkside' in us. I would have thought this should not affect anyone too much. It is only the 'quality' of life that would have an impact. It's whether we want to face it.

Since buying the desktop PC, some traces of thoughts seem to have left in my head, and keep holding me back to re-evaluate this purchase decision. It probably related to the issue of 'value' of the product underlying the price, etc. It's in my sub-consciousness to the extent I cannot get rid of. This purchase experience leads me to believe that what I perceived before and after about my purchase decision should remain consistent. This purchase experience has also helped me understand myself more. I don't want life to be too complicated, that includes technology, which may explain my phobia towards it. Perhaps contentment is built on having things 'just about right', and not being overly 'obsessive', that way we remain as 'ourselves' rather than 'losing' it. Perhaps I just lost myself in my pursue of the 'quality' of PC I was after, which could end up me looking for something more than I need and then overpaid it. This is perhaps someone who prefer or promote a 'minimalist' style of life should avoid? The purchase of this PC gives new insights about my desire on other possible things in my life I am after, and should help with managing expectation in the future.

I want to end my 'attachment' to the thought of this Desktop PC, but how best should I end such thoughts (wasteful thoughts, perhaps?). Today I found an answer. I attended the BK meditation workshop on 'Deep, Deeper and Deeper Still". It discussed few aspects of meditation to help deepen the experience. Some rather insightful messages were conveyed. I especially related to the idea on "acceptance, experience and being' as the three levels of sub-conscious minds likely to take place in us in our daily life. Using the Desktop PC as an example, then I suppose I have now accepted that I perhaps might have overlooked the issue of "quality" in the purchasing process, which should then be something I must remember next time if I were to make similar decision. It reminded me each time my mind rehearse the few events where I had experienced that when thinking to buy the Desktop PC. Now as I began to accept this, it becomes part of me. It is being part of me.

As I dwelt on this a bit deeper, I would imagine meditation could have helped in the process. Meditation slows things down. My buying decision was urgent because my then laptop was broken and I wanted to get a new one quickly. It is true that I can afford to buy it, but still coming to the issue of 'value', now that I think of it, it still needs some consideration. Now that this has happened, I could not turn back the clock, but I should look at the positive side of the Desktop PC. My sub-conscious mind needs to get rid of the 'negative' thinking attached to the PC. Just like what was said during the workshop, "A glass of water, no matter how light, is not the weight, but how long you hold on to it that matters". Indeed, our energy needs to be channelled in the best possible way to help us to feel light and free anytime, in order for us to fight the our inner 'demon'.

Sad Exercise

"You either find yourselves happy or sad by the way you are surrounded by people..."

JS holding his coffee mug with that broken handle, knocking on my office door and came in for a friendly chat. "So, what's up for the weekend?', asked JS. "Well, I probably will go for a swim later, it's my swim day'. I told JS. "Swimming feels like a sad exercise, doesn't it? It just you and you alone, and you can't get any interaction more than that." JS answered.

It's interesting how JS described swimming as a 'sad exercise'. I asked JS if he is a depressive person, which he answered not quite now compared to five years ago. I then told him that I found swimming to be 'reflective'. It helped me focus on my body movement and the use of my strength under water, which often didn't appear as 'straightforward' because each movement used up energy which required breathing in good timing, to help regained breathe for subsequent movement, which for me is 500 meters normally. This certainly means that you could strengthen you muscle through good breathing and body movement coordination. The strengthening of the abs muscle can be achieved by blowing out bubbles (really hard) coming out from that part of the lower body.

After my explanation, JS appeared to be convinced that swimming is not quite a 'sad exercise'. Perhaps being academics, it is only making sense that matter and so at the end of it, JS and I were quite happy that weekend is round the corner and then we bid each other farewell and wish for a good weekend to come.

You either find yourselves happy or sad by people you are surrounded by, either a lot of people, close family members or no one. Every interaction with people can bring joy or pain, even no interaction can do the same. However, every "interaction" (this may be your own thoughts or awareness of your thoughts and your surrounding) with your own self is not sad. Sad exercise (or even sad life)  involves one increasingly not found meaning in the exercise they engaged in (which will lead to failure in continuation after a while). In life, as you get fewer and fewer interactions with people, though this may act as a signal to tell you not to be too isolated and should really get out to see people, the important point is, either by choice or not by choice, there are ways to make good of this. And even when doing exercise, it could also bring you insight and knowledge not many would realise.

What did I learn from my technology phobia?

"fear is not a fear when you began to make sense of it..."

My laptop of five years has recently gone to heaven. In the past two weeks or so, Obviously, the sensible way is for me to acquire a new computer. It actually took me quite considerable amount of time to decide what model to go for. The harder one was deciding whether to go for a laptop or a desktop PC. I realised I was so used to my 'comfort' zone that the question of 'what if' kept coming up. what if there is some unsolvable problem and especially after the period of warranty, I may have to bring the heavy desktop for repairs. How inconvenient will that be, which made me think perhaps having a laptop would be easier as it is lighter and can be brought anywhere I like. It was my colleague who suggested that a desktop would be more durable than a laptop, which convinced me I should really consider one. Furthermore, a widescreen PC monitor which can accommodate columns and columns of spreadsheets, will help in my research.That gave me another motivation to get a desktop, rather than a laptop, where the screen size is only as large as 17", but it could be about 24" for a desktop computer monitor.

So, I overcome my initial concerns supposedly. And then I kept sourcing for information, which I was so obsessed to want to be perfect. And indeed, I never failed to source for alternative options and compared them to find the best and to make sure I get the best. In a strange way, I have to thank my research skills, I find myself able to pick up information and digest them fairly quickly and of course also the efficient search engine, allowing me to find more information, such as what made a LED PC Screen good quality, apart from energy saving.

In the end, when all have been gathered and coming to decision time, it was hard. The fear of making regretful decision procrastinated my move. More importantly, I wanted to make sure I get my value worth for every penny I spent. In the end, I have to depend on my 13" screen alternative laptop every night while at home, and working at 1GB Ram, It was a real pain. Things didn't feel quite as consolidated and my mind was undecided on the BEST value deal. At times, I even thought about going back to buying a laptop as I was not sure if it would be a good move. There were so many things, the cable, the wiring, the quality of the monitor screen and the space available.

I find that, eventually when I had decided to stick to buying the desktop, the concerns were the same. It was still the widescreen and the durability. I will be paying almost the same price if I go for the laptop, which would not be as durable, and still the desktop has better-graded processor and RAM. Therefore, in the end, I go for the desktop. Clicking those buttons to process the order was another tough job. After that, I began to fear if I would break the PC monitor, not sure if they would be hard to set up, for I know if I bought a laptop, that would not be a problem. I was so afraid it would be a wrong decision. I was so anxious that I searched for the product manual and see it for myself how to set up the PC monitor, which I was then convinced that it would be fine.

Now as I typed this blog post on my new computer, I can say I have no regret with my choice. In fact, I even got an exchange from John Lewis because I told them the sound quality was not good for that earlier version of the HP desktop I bought, and I wanted to exchange to another cheaper HP desktop model, with a supposedly "preferred sound quality" (hehe!). In the end, it's a good deal. With a processor of intel i7-2640, running at 6GB RAM and a 23" IPS Panel LED PC monitor, that comes with 3 cable ports, and paying in total about £700 (after deducting vouchers and discounts), what can I still complain about, especially I also have two years guarantees for my desktop PC and five years warranty for the LED PC monitor.

So, what has "technology phobia" taught me? I think phobia surrounds each and every comfort zone that contains you. What let you out of there, is your visualisations of your phobia and your making sense of them. Researching information is mean to an end, aiming at making sense. And fear is no more a fear when you began to make sense of it. What's left is a bit of courage and belief in yourself to move just ONE more step to make THAT decision, bearing in mind that, though nothing would likely remain as perfect, it is only a matter of tolerance, which I hope I don't have to bear too soon.

The effect of the darkside 3 (The end)

" Walking with the darkside, that is within you..."

Ever since I wrote about my "darkside", I have been through some reflections because I felt a bit "disturbed" (perhaps I like a bit of challenge?). It has helped me gain my resistance back. It helped me to become "strong" again. Actually I read an article after written that "darkside", It is from a website that talk about "acknowledging the dark side of human nature". Something written on the site appeals to me (though I don't buy into 100% what the site wrote about. I much prefer to find my own path and build my knowledge base). It says, "The brighter the light, the darker the shadow. Everything has a shadow side. If you don’t see the shadow of a person, you don’t see the person and are blinded by idealisation. If you don’t see your own shadow, you are in denial, and will project your shadow onto others." Let me break that statement down into few parts and see if it make sense to you.

"If you don’t see the shadow of a person, you don’t see the person and are blinded by idealisation" How true that is! How often do we find a "certain mystery" in a person that seems "unexplainable" and how many times did you feel you are distant with the person, and no wonder best friends are sometimes those who know your darkest side (for example, secrets) and accepted them and still treated you as a good friend. Idealisation is similar to a state of perfection. What shows on the surface could therefore be potentially misleading.

"If you don’t see your own shadow, you are in denial, and will project your shadow onto others." There is no need to dig others' darksides, it is, however, important for one to be aware and to admit there is one within us. Denying that, you may subconsciously impose upon others, with consequences that may be undesirable. I supposed I had done that based on my encounter with the speaker the other day.

When I was little about 8 or 9 year old, I think. I remembered one early morning about 5 or 6 am. I went jogging all by myself on a quiet route all in total darkness with no street lighting. I told my uncle after that what I did. He was impressed, thinking I will "go far!. I am not sure  if I had gone far by now, but I am certain that experience at the time, really made me face my fear, and battle with it and then overcome it. Perhaps I have an emotionally "self-inflicting" personality, but I suppose I like to challenge my darkside. It is within me, but I want to walk with it. I gave myself opportunity to fight it, but now i know something. Acknowledging the darkside, not fighting and evoking it, but gently guiding it with awareness, should be the key. With that, I finished my three parts post on the darkside.

Discover your strength the fun way

".... Okay, Let's look at how animals behave.." 

I love horoscopes. I read a lot about horoscopes. I even try to guess other people's horoscopes and sometimes I got it right. I have a book  that tell me each and every fact about the Chinese horoscopes, the yin and the yang, the effect on the 5 elements and more interestingly, the cross over with the western horoscopes and the characters descriptions.

Being interested and believing in horoscopes could be a sign of being fatalistic, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, This is because I had fun in the process. Some people told me not to be too obsessed with this, as in this is a bit of "self-fulfilling" and could misguide oneself. I only know I would choose to believe in the "good" things that say about the horoscopes and ignore the "bad" one. This could motivate you if applied properly. At times, I get so "analytical" in it that I even use it as a guide in my human relations, as I slowly observed people along the way, helping me keep an interest with people and enhancing the relationship with them. Who can say horoscope does not serve any purpose.

I was borne in the year of Dog. I do make an conscious effort to think about the Dog's characters and relate that to myself. Yes, I can hear some said I should "hold life in my hand as it is my destiny", but sorry, I am not fighting this. I am following "what's there" and make the best of it. Certain things in life just won't change and in a good way, it should help move people in the positive direction, if managed well. The skills can be learnt.

If I am looking on the "good" side, then I should be thinking about the strength of dogs. One ability and strength of dogs are that,  dogs are capable of nursing their wounds. Applying this in my context means that, I would "move away" if I am aware I am "uncomfortable". This does not necessarily mean that I am physically hurt, but may be "emotionally unwell" too. Knowing and aware of this help me "nurse" it better and ensure they are sorted and gave me a chance to re-charge. In fact, I have been having a "time out" this few weeks, which explain why my blog was empty for a while.I am thinking there should be a couple of weeks within a month that this could happen and it needs some "nursing" and private reflection.

Knowing ones strength is important and knowing a bit about horoscopes help support oneself soul searching and identifying area that perhaps needs improvement and others which are the strength that can be tapped upon and use more often. This is an interesting alternative other than sourcing for "self-help" mechanism. It works for me.

Mrs Palfrey at the Claremont

"Have you thought of who would you like to be by your side when that day comes...."

In the end, Mrs Palfrey passed away on the hospital bed, next to her faked grandson, in "Mrs Palfrey at the Claremont", a story about the friendship between a 80 year old woman and a young writer. If time flow like water on a river stream, throughout one's life, then at one's old age, one would have reached the ocean as the water gradually flow and ended up. Ocean is deep, accepting and take on anything that eventually reached it. It is only the weather that stirred it up, but its nature is still peaceful, just like Mrs Palfrey.

Mrs Palfrey moved into a retirement hotel, the Claremont in London, just to be nearer to her daughter and grandson, so that she can be in touch with them frequently. One day, on her way back after helping Mrs. Arbuthnot (another hotel resident) to get the book she borrowed from the library, She had a little accident and on that chance encounter, she met Ludovic Meyer, a penniless young writer and struck up a curious friendship. She then  invited Ludovic for dinner at the hotel and they agreed a date, without even taking note of Ludovic's address, Mrs Palfrey left him. Later the day, upon Mrs Palfrey's returns, everyone at the hotel was excited that finally Mrs Palfrey would bring her grandson for a meal and they were all looking forward to that. It gave Mrs Palfrey a little trouble here, as she didn't correct the residents about the mistake they made, and so she asked Ludovic to be the "faked grandson" and the latter agreed! This then led to both opening up to each others about their lives, and a very heart warming friendship developed between them. It also then became clear that the relationship between Mrs Palfrey and her grandson and daughter was "emotionally distant". They hardly return her calls and kept her waiting, but then Ludovic kept her company, which Mrs Palrey was happy about.

The movie was powerful. It's not only about friendship, but what's thought-provoking was the moment of the last day of Mrs Palrey, that adds significance to this friendship with Ludovic. He was by her side, reading her poems day after day till the last. Nowhere can we see the real grandson, only the faked one. I began to wonder, does this matter to anyone at all? if you are on your last day, who do you wish to be by your side?

Actually, Mrs Palrey seemed not too troubled not having her own grandson around, even though it would be the best to have him. There is a certain degree of intellect/openness that allowed Mrs Palrey to engage with people better than others. I am thinking as people of my generation, who are relatively more educated, become old age and ill and laid on the sick bed one day, how would we feel and who would we wish to be by our side on our very last day? Perhaps those who we can connect with would be important to see on those last few days. Those people may or may not be our "closed" family members and it does not matter.

Ludovic narrated the following as the movie came to a close, "There are people that cross our live in tiny fraction of time, in the briefest of encounters, and yet they leave an indelible mark in our hearts, in our minds."  and I guess this summed up everything. Those whom we met and could connect with, may be the people we met only for five minutes. They remained the  most important, especially towards the end of our live, in our old age's days.

A little Christmas Wish

 "... Maybe grandma won't be celebrating Christmas, but as long as she was happy, I would be happy for her...."

KM missed her mom the other day while listening to "O Holy Night" and had some emotional moments. I can understand it is Christmas festive periods where family members gather and have some nice time together, exchanging gifts, etc, so I can imagine how KM felt suddenly when mom was not around anymore. This Christmas I am still going to do some works, but when I am not doing my work, I sometimes thought about my grandma, who passed away for about 3 years now. My grandma adored me, and took care of me until I was 6 year old, I think and I was then brought back to live with my parents. I guess I was not too used to living with my parents, as I very quickly felt the tension in the family, especially those between my parents. I immediately sensed something was not quite right. I was very insecure, intense and rebellious at a young age. It is only coming to weekend I will be happy because I will be spending weekend at grandma's!!

Spending weekends with my grandma moved me away from my quarrelsome parents. Grandma was kind. Grandma would talk to me about how I had lived. I would help her with daily chores. The sort of  relationship I could not imagine I would have with my mom. I often felt that was where I should belong and enjoyed the nice peaceful weekend here and felt happier. As I grew up and started working, I reduced my times spent with grandma over the weekends, but I still visited her. Her kindness still the same, concern and take care of me. Now as I came to think of it, what so special about her is that positivity in her mentality and the gesture of being kind just to anyone moved me. She became like an inspiration in that, some of her behavior began to affect me in the way I dealt with people. This influence will be with me forever.

The other night I dreamed of grandma. That must be the third time I dreamed of her this year. In my dream I saw grandma and she was happy. I was not sure if it was her that I saw, so I said, "is that you, grandma?", she still smiling and still happy, but she didn't say a word. Then I said, "okay why not I touch you and I will know if this is you". Then I use my finger and poke her arm. Gosh, it was real, I can feel the fresh of the skin. I said, "gosh, grandma this is true, you are grandma!" Next thing as far as I can remember, I opened my eye and I woke up.

That felt so magical and I told my mom about this and she told me grandma must have taken a flight to the UK to visit me and we were both glad that grandma was happy, wherever she was. As much as I felt grandma lived in my heart,  I miss her sometimes, I miss her smile, that showed deep kindness and compassion, like a breath of fresh air. If you looked at her, you would feel the calmness and the peace in her and you would feel equally peaceful. I miss her, I want that magical moment in my dream again. Would Santa grant me this little wish of dreaming my grandma again on Christmas Day? Perhaps grandma would not be celebrating Christmas and would be busy, but as long as she is happy, I would be happy for her. :D

Expectation

"being independent is the way to live...." 

What is the role of expectation in our daily life? Expectation could be risky because you may get disappointed because not all expectation will happen as expected. Why do people then want to expect something? I guess people wanted to get an assurance about things and the outcomes. I wonder if people can live without expectations of others? It seems not quite possible especially if expectation of another person also implied a certain level of responsibilities of this other person. I didn't find myself a "responsible" person mainly because I didn't feel I was brought up learning not to expect from people, and I end up being very protective over my needs, and always wanted to be "independent", which I kind of somehow achieve now and enjoying it.

As I survived those days of taking precautionary measures and to be protective of myself, I began to see it as quite possible for anyone to do. One just has to learn to be independent to begin with. This implies that you will be relying on your own self, as long as you can find meaning the way you handle this, you will be motivated to continue to do so for a very long time. Being "independent" also make you keep an "arm length" when you deal with thing, because you know you will have to take precautions of some sorts, you not likely to put blame on other people if things do not turn out as you like, you kind of "expected" it anyway. I find learning to be independent is a very good exercise to take charge of one's life and also you learnt to manage expectations of other people. Indirectly, this should promote your interpersonal relationship with other people.

However, it is a different story if people now expect you to behave in a certain way. Normally, this seems to appear among younger people, like my students in class, for example. I then learned to keep an "arm's length" with them, so I will still have my own personal spaces, without compromising too much.. Students probably find that I am someone who will do my jobs, well and good, and then all else, I am just friendly, but not particularly want to warm with them. I passed the age of looking for role models, and I survived those years  living a life with no role model. These are all good trainings to me, just that sometimes you just not sure how other younger people look at you. But then, I already know how to keep a distance with them. I guess people will just have to expect that.

when the kitchen sink is blocked.....

"the thought behaves like water, it stops flowing...."

I have been striving to work on a few deadlines in the past weeks. When time is needed the most at this very hour, November turns out to be the month of "events". Beginning the month, there was Karli's wedding, then this coming weekend and the following I will be heading London, so there is not really much available time to do the write up. RW is also visiting in a week's time. Time is very lacking as I also have two full modules to teach in this term too.

The greatest challenge I faced is the switch between tasks (all involved some sorts of writing) of a range of deadlines, which requires one's focus very much. The transition is hard. You felt you are pushing through a crowd like the mind trying to find a way to work itself or like water flowing through a sink that is stuck. And yes, it reminded me of water. I imagine myself as water, flowing through the stuck sink, finding its way, remains resilient and capitalized on the inner strength.

The worst I don't want to happen is for me to feel anxious and then paranoid. This often arises out of unrealistic imagination of the outcome, without it actually happening at all. So I learned to shut my mind out of that. It felt good at least I finished one of the tasks, which is writing up the first draft of a book chapter. I now let JL have it to amend his section of the chapter. With that out of the list, I found the flow is getting through better, the sink is now not as blocked as it used to be, water flows better now and so is my thoughts. Hopefully this helps me get back to my "focus" (or at least try to be) self.

Self-Respect

"..... knowing the purpose of your existence."

I learned a new interpretation of the word "self-respect" the other day on our Tuesday Meditation class. We started with the discussion about tolerance, which of course ring a bell, because tolerance is a virtue in our culture. Tolerance in our understanding has a different meaning. It is written this way, 忍. This implies you have a knife above your heart, so you have to tolerate. It is as good as suffering. Strictly, speaking it is not a good thing.

In the Tuesday's meditation, we see tolerance in a new light. It has a positive connotation. It is a form of self-respect. Self-respect that one has, helps one to acknowledge one's purpose of existence. We use the example of a tree that bears fruits, and showing that a boy was kicking the tree to have the fruits dropped on the ground, in order to eat it. We then said the tree is a giver (in fact, most from nature, like plants, flower, etc, are givers). They serve a good purpose to mankind to provide something positive to mankind. It is a good analogy because the tree won't move anyway, and we can say it is having self-respect, it won't fall, it's stem is strong, it will survive, the more this implies the strength of self-respect.

In my profession, sometimes we have to deal with difficult students. We often ensure we do our best, and that we clearly state our positions. That way, we won't be affected by badly or unacceptable behaviors by students. Another example of "self-respect" I encountered is on today. I had a long 3 hours lecture which totally drained me dry. I was so exhausted afterward, because there were a few tasks need to be completed and mostly involving deadlines. The thought of having to deal with them dread me. I then keep myself silent for 10 minutes, sitting alone and mediate. It helps me move  away from the thought of a "dreadful" day and I felt better after that. I guess I could say I gain back my self-respect because I did get back on to carry on my task and I found myself more productive. I have a better than expected outcome, which I am pleased.

Indeed, if one is too close or "too involved", one could not think straight and meditation in this case, help one move away and become detached, that way, one can see things better. It helps you get back on track, more focused and gaining back "self-respect", i.e., the purpose of your existence to getting on with things, doing things properly and acting on things. This practices certainly benefit me.

Desire, Expectation and Happiness

 ". we all deserved some, it's about how you get it..."

When my primary school teacher started to talk about the virtue of saving, and encouraged us to develop it as a habit, I thought that sounded so familiar. Well, I learned about saving from my own personal experience at home. Yes, I learned to save at a very young age, the quest for security drove me down this route, and I became very self-absorbed. There was a serious lack of security floating in the air in my family, to the extent we believe money is everything, yet we can't have everything because we often run into "money problem" at home (read more about this on here). Anyway, from my little habit i picked up on saving, I learned to live by the minimum and by doing so, I have very little desire and hence low expectation. I felt happier as I know I would less likely to run into "trouble"

Indeed, I see no desire, no expectation and therefore happiness as a good formula. See, if you have a car because you want to "show off", you will have to handle it if it broke down, which I cannot bear to think I have to deal with the consequences. You win some, but you lose some, and I am not bother at all losing out on having a car. The satisfaction derived from having a car can be replaced by other things. After all these years, situation changed and I become relatively well-to-do, still I am not quite spendthrift, my brother would say I am tight, my mom would always ask me "to buy more to eat". My dad would say, why are you saving so much money for, what is the use. My dad's remark, which he made few years ago, seriously made me question my purpose of existence, which of course, include my existence with my wealth. What's it's for and what it suppose to represent and imply. Recently, I found a conclusion for myself and I have decided what I would want to do about it.

Owing to my lifestyle, being living alone and independent, it allows me to think about my "quality" of life, and not having to spend a fortune, I am able to live quite comfortably, leading a healthy lifestyle, focusing on food, exercise and good work life balance. I am amazed by the relation of desire and expectation to happiness, which I believe is true, but for me, I learned it by the hardest and darkest way possible, where I only see the light coming out from another end of the tunnel,after quite a while. Perhaps you also have your own experience unlike those of mine, but we all get there one day.

When two "sick" people try to fall in love

 "..... they battled against their own demons to bring out the deepest sincerity hidden in there...."

I own a small 14" little black box that come with a VHS function. This is one of the oldest  TV model you would ever see in the world now. I have a few classic movies in VHS in my collection. One of my favorites is  "as good as it gets" by Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt.

"As good as it gets" is a love story, about two sick people. One with Obsessive Compulsion Disorder (OCD) and one other loaded with baggage. The moving part of the movie is that Jack Nicholson, while suffering from OCD, tried his very best to woo Helen Hunt. It was never easy, and he never quite get it right, either finding himself too lost for words or express the wrong thought. It all appeared like a comedy, but not funny at all if it is in real life. Obviously, Helen Hunt, who is the single mom in the movie was all too hung up over finding true love in her life, to the extent, putting all her heart and soul in her young kid becomes her top priority and she became over-anxious with tiny details.

It's an old movie and I guess most would have known the ending or the story for sure. The ending of the story does not necessarily imply that both Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt will live happily ever after. It only showed both finally able to reach the same frequency and thread of thought and communicate properly. There were some awkward moments of expressing love to each others. Those scenes where both kiss were very hard to watch, which is not surprising. Love is not necessarily romantic, especially if two "sick" people try to fall in love. They have to try again and again, until they get it right, which is why Helen Hunt must remind Jack Nicholson, "Try not to ruin it by being yourselves" each time the latter tried to "say something nice". It is very moving because they are battling against their own demons to bring out the deepest sincerity hidden in there.There is quite a substantial degree of resilience and endurance in there in this rather intense love relationship. This is something quite realistic, it might take a lifetime for someone to overcome that.

The ending of  "as good as it gets" implies that life is not all about getting married and have kids (not that if you do that, it will be a bad thing). Perhaps this is not something my parents' generation will understand. They seem to believe once marriage is on the card, things will sort itself out. There is an implicit fear of staying alone all your life and people are reacting to the fear by resorting to marriage, putting their issues about relationship aside, causing potential problems later. No one should be in a hurry to reach an ending, thinking all will end well in a marriage. because things never end, it only comes in stages, one after another. The question is what is the next stage.

In "as good as it gets", coming to the end of the movie, you never quite feel Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt will be together forever or they will become a steady couple. You only see that they resolve their conflicts they have with each others and they are able to communicate properly, and that is a good step forward. Whether they will marry or not, that however is not important anymore. One step at a time, one stage to the next, up until the day you die, you are only reaching at a certain stage, that still does not mean the end. That is why life sometimes feel like a journey, even in our love life, whose next to you, married to you or not, in a relationship or not, they are not quite as important. The important thing is they are THERE in the current stage of your life They are THERE with you, at least they live in your heart, in that special place.

How to read a novel

"....like reading a person..."

I have decided that reading novel has a different meaning to me. It felt like getting to know someone from the beginning up till the end, and this someone gives you his or her trust in you, and willing to share everything. Reading a novel really feel like getting to know a friend. You may say finishing a good book is like losing  a good friend, but then this means you start looking for another "good friend", and this goes on, at the end of it, u r looking for "someone" that feels and thinks the same way as you,and to be related to them in some ways.

I want to reference a book I read recently, "nothing to lose",which states that "...life has no narrative, it is random and inexplicable and formless, and that's why people want to believe in something, because it makes the unbearable meaninglessness of it explicable. Fiction does that: it soothes a deep searching part of you, because you can take the chaos of the world and give it shape, give it sense." This sums up nicely as to why I can feel "related" to the story I read. 

"Nothing to lose" is a story about Maude, a ghost-writer facing her guilt and regrets over the death of a young boy caused by a car accident involving her, given that she was not charged for that act, as approved  by the court. You can imagine how one could be engulf by such thoughts and almost breakdown a normal way of living one's life, until one day, a stranger's knock on the door and an unlikely escape to Scotland begins to convince her that, almost in spite of herself, that she may have something to lose. To keep this short and not to give too much away, it's a story with a happy ending.

In "nothing to lose", the superb writing style of the author is able to let me find traces of me in it, especially when facing one's fear, one's guilt, the power of the "narratives", it makes sense and it shapes up things, it helps me see the source of all the problems and then see how to go forward from there. The ending though is a happy one, does not often mirror how it looks like in real life. But then life does not stop there but in novel, in movies, it stops. That is the point where you "lost" a good friend. The important thing, however, lies in how the good friend get to that state. It's the direction, it's the journey the good friends take. The ending or rather the final destination, may not be as perfect as those in real life, but we are our own writer/director in the reality and only we know what makes us happy. The novel or movie only gives as an ideal and perhaps that is good enough as a source of "hope", all else, it's up to us to write our own "happy ending".

When one understands

  "... there is clarity.."

J-Lu caught me on Friday in the first floor kitchen and then asked me, "Kai, so do I have to defend myself next Friday in the panel meeting." I answered, "well, put it that way, there is no right or wrong here, as long as you are clear in the thing you explained, it should be fine. At this stage, you need to know the big direction, explaining each step of the way, how you want to go about addressing the research issue, it should be fine." J-Lu is my PhD student going to have her first year review meeting next Friday. As expected, she is nervous, but BB (my colleague who co-supervise her with me) and I think she is fine. She only need a bit of confidence.

Clarity in argument is one important key in research, rather than right or wrong. When one is clear, one knows what one is doing, the short-coming, one knows what is there, what is not there, and can express (presenting or writing it out)  it well and tell everyone. More importantly, one simply understands. When one is clear, he is not biased by the right or wrong of the argument or the matter, he is calm and peaceful because he is clear. This becomes convincing for the listeners or readers because everything about the speaker or the writer becomes so effortless, making the presentation or the written piece of work an enjoyment to be engaged in.

There are only so many things in life that one can classify as right or wrong, like we all know robbery is wrong, killing people is wrong and stealing is wrong. If everything is that clear-cut, living will be so easy and also quite boring. Some may be restricted by the thought of religious belief and practices to classify what is right or wrong. It is often a lot harder to deal with the matter of "right" and "wrong" the older we get as we are "on our own", unlike while young, where our parents and teacher still represent the "authority".

The important question remains: are we clear about the reason and rationale (not the same as rationalizing) behind for living life the way we want it and want to (not the same as classifying it "right" or "wrong")? The next question is, are you feeling at ease with yourselves, whatever situation and however you are living your "chosen" life, if so, perhaps you are clear about the situation and can present to others a sense of ease and effortlessness. Clarity and awareness of any situation is the first step, knowing what's there and not there help you move forward more constructively in life. It is not often easy, however, thinking and working on this often will help us sort our mind out gradually and help us see the light, one way or another.

Time waits for no men

"I guess we only have "this much" time left (whatever is your age) for us to do something in our life....."

It looks like this is going to be another working weekend. I had set up a rule such that, I allow myself to work late in the week, but not to work too often on the weekend. As our profession is fairly flexible, working from home/office is really up to one's choice, it is inevitable that you may end up having to work on the weekend. I left my office today about 8 pm, so this is a fairly hectic day filled mostly with research related work. Therefore, today is really one of those that I had expected. What, however, need to be completed over the weekend are the resit exam marking and working on the next almost completed  research paper with JL. More importantly I must make a decision by Monday whether I am taking up my second PhD student, after having interviewed him today.

Strictly speaking, I won't say I am stressed. As far as it is about research, you do find that it is something counts towards the added value to your CV. I guess at times perhaps I may be taking too much. In fact, I only slept for 4 hours consecutively for 3 days last week. And when I woke up in the middle of the nights, I was thinking about some problem with a certain research I was doing. Funnily enough, I found the answer myself in those weird hours of the day. You may say I am productive, but I could do a bit better with being focused. Being focused means you do thing one at a time, and concentrate on it, and not being distracted, as you will lose the fun of it. So, when you sleep you sleep, when you are awake, you work, you relax, you just don't go to bed unnecessarily.

I think I just cannot help it, all the research that I was doing float in my head almost 24/7. While I don't think I want to fight this, I do admit a short break somewhere nearby will be helpful. I guess we only have "this much" time left (whatever is your age) for us to do something in our life while we still can. There are times where we should really take things one at a time. There are other times we really need to be reminded that, time indeed waits for no men. So, make the most of it, do the best you can, while you still can and then you can have the last laugh later. That would be great, won't it? Maybe you can tell me :D

A time and place for everything

"When it feels right, you will enjoy it"

Following my exam finished today, I will be locking myself away from tomorrow onward for 5 or 6 days to mark those 175 exam scripts. This also marks the end of the second semester and the beginning of a three months "breaks". For the past few days, I had been busily attending to students' enquiries in the office, replying emails mostly and suddenly felt I have loads of time on hand. As the term comes to the end and my teaching finished, I seem to be left with "nothing much to do". The evening suddenly felt so "empty", watching "Britain Got Talents" for the past one week, though enjoying it, still find a little "missing out on something". It just didn't feel right to do anything, not even leisure reading, writing blogs or even getting out and about, going for a walk. It gets a little mechanical when what you do the following day was to go to office, seat yourselves down and then wait for students to come by and one by one, you "served" them. The evening felt like a time to "do something", but you get restless because you can't seem to find "things" to do. Perhaps that's what commonly known as boredom. I found that the worst of those moment, is to find myself forcing myself to become productive and start digging out research task to do, surely that is going to become counterproductive before too long. Of course, I didn't do that.

I remembered I had a little thought about "relaxation". Even to the extent that it has to be "focused" . Now, I think there is a time and place to do anything, especially when you are "relaxing". What to do, how to do it and when to do it, I think it matters. I listened to Jazz Musics first thing when I came home, as soon as my laptop is switched on. The music filled the air with a sound of yesteryear and a nicer feel comes along when it gets darker with only my lamp lighted up in my living room. The timing seems right and It's a nice feeling. It felt relaxed.

I guess I just have to "put my mind and soul" at that moment, and indulged myself in it. Yes, there are few things in life that you do "automatically" and adjust to it, as it is already built in somehow. For example, these days I became more and more "used to" my body mood to go swimming. I resist it lesser and lesser. So, when the time comes, I will just got up and go without hesitation. Now, i go three times a week, and whether the pool is crowded or not, I will get by it and get the most of each session of my swim. There is a time and place for everything. When it feels right, you will enjoy it, but you should really know what you enjoy most in the first place.