Losing my "mind"

"... and my 'reflection' finds it back"

"Sitting still and do nothing" (i.e., meditation) for 25 to 40 minutes a day helps me to re-charge. It helps me practice 'awareness', and enable me to take 'precaution' or 'preempt' it to prevent it from affecting me. I had a few challenges last few days and dealing with them helped me gain new insights into what other effect 'meditation' could have.

Last Friday was one of those few days that I worked till quite late in my office. It was until about 7.30 pm that I left my office, after realising all my days' hard work to install CPLEX on the Linux OS still didn't work out quite well. It certainly didn't feel like a productive day. That night, I still tried and do a bit of meditation, though it was cut short to only 10 minutes, since it was late and I don't like to have my dinner too late. Anyway, I didn't feel my level of concentration was good, though it didn't affect me to large extent, I kind of feel 'something not right' throughout my meditation

On Saturday, i.e., the following day, I still felt I could 'do better' in term of the focus of my mind. Saturday should not be considered as a 'bad' day because I was getting on with my other research and it actually made progress. In addition, the weather was good. Saturday was a bright sunny day, and the more I should feel 'brighten up', but I didn't. After some reflections, I conclude that I was perhaps still held 'in the past' on my Friday's work commitment to the software installation, which failed. I was 'held back' to the extent I still hung myself in that and not moving, though not necessarily mean I would be stressed up. It is just that I had not 'let go' of it. My mind was as if in a 'stagnant' state. Other than that, constantly replying and looking out for students' emails during this period, arising from the examination, also put me off thinking in term of 'living the present moment'. This was because I was at times shocked and angry with students' excessive demand of what they want from me. And that didn't help.

As I began to see what's holding me back, I began to see that I should learn to 'let it go'. I guess I missed out one important step when dealing with myself over the matter, and that is 'acceptance'. My theory is that, due to the lack of 'awareness', I failed to see 'what's missing' and acknowledgement and acceptance were being pushed out of the way. As I began to "see" this in my meditation today, I then slowly channel my thoughts and focus onto the present moment. For example, feeling the joys (at least inner joy) of the good weather and involvement of housework routine, which are all good experiences. I learnt that if my head is occupied with something, I would immediately lose touch with my surrounding, and is even harder when I subconsciously occupied with things that was not to my knowledge. Therefore, constant reflection in daily life does serve some good purpose. And this has worked well for me today! :D

Comfort Zone is not that bad

"There is light in the comfort zone. There is life there. Stay and enjoy."

Recently there is a nice little video that I kept seeing friends sharing on fb. It is called 'it depends on what you believe'. It's about the process of having a dream and the barriers underlying it, which the narrator broke it down into the panic, comfort and the learning zones. It aims to tell people why sometimes "moving forward" seems so difficult. I then reflected upon my achievement so far in this life and asked if I ever was trapped in those zones. I guess perhaps I had, but it seems not in that linear order.

The most appropriate that relate to my 'dream' should be how I got out of Singapore more than 10 years ago. I, however, cannot say that is my 'dream' or there is a known 'zone' I was trapped in, comfort or learning zone. Obviously like all young people in their early twenties, just out of the University, you have dreams, you want to achieve so much in such a short period of time. And yes, what's the past that others expect of you or what they suggested to you affected your perception of a 'dream' to chase after. I guess I was quite affected by what one of my closest Uncle always believe, to excel in a job/career in "marketing". I was always aware that I was under the 'influence' (which not necessarily a bad thing, it could be a "good" guide) but on the other hand, on the look out to 'take control', so as to do things that is truly from my perspective. Being younger at the time, what actually move me forward is the fearless sense of 'I can always start all over'.

In my earlier years of struggle to make a career in Singapore, which is almost similar to this case, except that I didn't get myself into depression, perhaps I understand the value of knowing people. I guess it is hard not for people to attach any motive behind for knowing important people in their life. That is because that seems to be the 'short cut' to luck if the 'right' people turn up. To make it short, I did had my 'opportunity' knocking my door because I knew some 'right' people, though that was not the outcome I had expected. Perhaps it's the personalities, how you relate to people bring you some good vibes which could dynamically transform into all sort of possibilities, and yes, my personalities also expose me to both 'good' and 'bad' people, which I had learned about only after a few years, still I am thankful for the 'good' people I met along the way.

Sometimes, no matter how hard one try to make things happen and if they had not, we should ask ourselves honestly if some changes are necessary. If so, how fast such changes should come. Perhaps we may be so accustomed to the 'status quo' that we won't want to have any changes, which is what the video labelled as 'comfort' zone. I actually strongly think we can still see 'light' at the end of the tunnel in the comfort zone and live with it, as long as we know what we want and what to expect (expect the "realistic things" of course).

"Reaching out to your dream" means different things, in different stages in our life. There is no need to think "too big" especially if you are in the earlier stage of your career. Just do ONE THING, do it well and you know where it leads you to. Simply because you need a process experiencing your true competence. For me, I didn't have much experience finding a role or career that allow my competence to show fully in my earlier years, and I had then become experimental, aiming to locate where my strength lie. Having that in mind, you would find your strength one day and a job that suit you and then you  started to think about your dream. In the current stage of my life, having been through all that, "dream" is still relevant, but comfort zone seems more valuable. I am more than happy to just stay it this way for very long time because I simply enjoy it. Being there, done that, bought the T-shirt, like they all said.

Quality of life?

 "perhaps whatever that helps you to plan?"

Recently in Singapore, the government tried out a new way to ease crowds during peak hours for its MRT (underground) network. by granting free access to the network, for those travelling before 7.45 am on the weekday, and not applicable on weekend. I am expecting this to attract huge 'mad rush' given that it is not often that things are 'free' and even more so in Singapore. The follow-up question is, if you arrived the office so early, what would you do? Some say it might end up working for longer hours, while others start doing planning for their days if they were to arrive early in office.

A few friends have been commenting that it is hard to say if Singapore has any sense of work-life balance at all. The working hours are rigid, rules are strict on staff flexibility with office hours. Perhaps that is an issue about 'value' and 'work ethnics'. One other friend in the past asked me how the UK survive if most of their shops close at 6 pm everyday? Interestingly, it happened and they have no problem with it. I guess gone are the days where the old Asian-type value about 'working hard' dominate what most would think as the determinant of success factor for an economy. There are always more than one way of doing the same things, and more so when considering different cultural backgrounds.

I only feel lucky with my situation in the UK, simply the fact that, I enjoy a healthy work-life balance, I am allowed to work from home and my boss would not doubt about 'what I do' at home. In fact, I choose my office hours, and can flexibly start my day, as long as I fulfilled my duty of 'teaching' and 'attending meetings'. Obviously, politics and others prevail (it is human that we are working with, right?), but there's another matter.

I am happy with the MRT service in Singapore despite previous episodes of delay and seems even more so increasingly. The only thing I complain is the lack of a day-ticket system (which can be understood as it would be costly and given the size of the population and the crowds, that perhaps won't be enough to make up for the loss of revenue from the day-ticket type scheme, which prevails in many cities already, such as London). Anyway, this inevitably affects plan and of course my 'work-life balance' each time I visit Singapore for short stay. But, there you go!

What makes a GREAT friendship?!

"There is a gentlemanly respect and tolerance between us, building on the mutual understandings accumulated over the years."

It's that time of the year where I should be planning for my trip home and getting in at the right time to book good bargain-hunting air-ticket. I inevitably think of my best friend in Singapore, FT. A colleague once said, as the more years you lived, the more you know it is impossible to establish new and lasting friendship with people you just knew, unless it's work or other social occasions, religiously related, family-related, etc. Anyway, this does not bother me very much, I count quality more important than quantity, and yes, less is more. I must have known FT for almost 20 years now. I knew him during my University day. As far as I can remember, that was towards the end of the final year, that I get closer to him, in term of talking about the future after University, etc. As we chat a bit more, I get to know more of FT. He seemed at times "let down" by friends by their seemingly mockery comments and that upset him. I thought perhaps he was quite sensitive, or perhaps his friends could have care a bit more about his feelings. I, however, can tell FT could be a little direct sometimes, but he means no harms and can be quite honest and willing to share his opinions. Once, seeing him again upset by his bunch of other friends again, I told him he can choose his friends no problem (not to imply that he should dump his other friends), just get on with it. I am not sure if it is because of that, our friendship gets better from then on.

It was FT who initially suggested that me and him to go sourcing for Overseas University Masters degree programs based in Singapore and to choose suitable one for us to help advance our career, as it seemed me and him also have a bit of problem on career progress at that time, when we are still at  early stage of working life. As it happens, things leading from one to another, I finally decided that I came to the UK to pursue my MBA in Leeds (rather than doing the distance program in Singapore). FT was not as lucky as me (as I got some financial loans from a good friend), so he didn't to follow me to come to the UK. However, I was not as lucky later as it turns out, since following my MBA completed in 1998, it was Asia Financial Crisis at its worst! I stayed behind to pursue my PhD until I completed it and started a full time academic career about 5 years ago.

FT, however, carried on with his life in Singapore, making every conscious effort to transform his career in the banking sector, as he was a civil servant initially for about 3 years. We kept in touch during my time in the UK, often using MSN to chat and communicate about just anything under the sun. FT later came to Nottingham University to do his MBA. We did visited each other as I was in Edinburgh at that time. After he returned to Singapore, his career progressed every well and I was really happy for him, working from bank to bank, with this role expanding from one to another, showing his increasingly important profile at work. He is currently heading a risk division in one foreign bank based in Singapore. He shared with me his experience on this latest role at work, not hiding from me that, behind all glamorous title holders in a bank, there is a always a dark (i.e., political) side, which I am sure, given his years of experiences, he will handle it well.

Thinking again about this friendship with FT and what makes it great (at least in my opinion, it is!), is that, I think we don't really have any expectation of each other. There is a gentlemanly respect and tolerance between us, that is built on the mutual understandings accumulated over the years. I remember when I visited him at Nottingham, he let me sleep on his bed, while he slept on the floor. In the morning, he tried to make scramble eggs for me, it didn't succeed, and we had a laugh. I still ate some of it. It's the thought that counts, and I appreciated a lot. Now each time when I was about to return back to UK, at the end of my holiday trip in Singapore, he would try to come to the airport to send me off, though sometimes he didn't make it, I still appreciated his thought.

I will always be thankful to FT, because without him, I probably won't see the importance of furthering my education. I probably would still be Singapore at this time and not even sure of my career progress. If FT gets closer to me, because I told him that he has to choose his friend, then I think I am very lucky. I like to think that he had chosen me as his friend. I am lucky. :D

Draw, Dig and Daydream

"... are simply doing 'nothing'...."

Having bought my computer and setting it up successfully, I have now one task off the list and can focus on other aspect of my "work life balance" issue. I guess I still like being organised, though not necessarily implying to constantly check on the detailed bits and pieces, I do sort things out regularly to make sure I get a bit of control, just like you de-fragmentize your PC, you don't do it everyday, only at interval, to get rid of the 'clutters'.

Today, I cleared up my office desk as I just finished some collaborative research with my colleague. There were piles of papers everywhere, and I need to file them clearly to where they belong, by the topics they represent. I am in need of  space for other work. However, being organised can only help you this much, more importantly, as I move on to other research work, which normally is on a different topics of interest, the continuity of the work spirits needs to be there. As a result, I need to put in a bit more effort to get that 'work spirits' in place and hence, I find myself needing to do more to maintain the work momentum.

I had not been catching up with my favourite blog lists for a while. Today, a random browse brought my attention to "Permission to Putter", which is an article about 'doing nothing', with a different take. "Doing nothing" is a process, not quite a stage of being (since it is also doing, except, doing nothing) The article interestingly suggested some activities that can be engaged to help one 'do nothing'. To me, this is important, as I need to completely "get out of myself" before entering into an entirely different mind set to do research of a different topics. I needed the freshness to help drive inspirations, ideas and creativity. The article suggested draw, dig and daydream to be some of the activities. I can see how these are 'do nothing' activities. They can be carried out randomly and intuitively, rather than 'logically', that way, the mind can rest.

I hope tomorrow I will move nicely into my research with JL, following my updates today, but perhaps I should do 'nothing' first before I began doing those research?

My introverts Experience (3) (The End)

"..... It's the identity that gives introverts the source of strength to fulfil those dreams....."
 
"That woman is a bitch," said Nathaniel, who sat next to me in the plane. He was sharing with me about his family problem, detailing his parents divorced and falling apart, with his mother living with him and his father with the "bitch", It felt a bit different now that I am reasonably "qualified" to "guide" the youngster on similar family experience.  Nathaniel, who is only 20 year old, appeared quite open minded, however, and willing to share, perhaps due to his young age. I do enjoy my chat with him in this long journey. I saw that he was quite receptive and that made me open up to him about my similar ezperience. I told me that I had sought counselling help while I was 18 or 19 year old, and what's worse and hard to bear was for you to realise later in life that, things were a lot worse than originally thought to be. Understandably in situaitons like his or mine, it is easy to think that life coming to end too soon and hard to live. Yet, it should not stop one to puruse one's interests and why not. It is hard, especially if family problems become a potential distraction. I can see Nathaniel to be a potential introverts given that he shared a common interest with me, i.e., writting.

I can see that "writing" has served some useful purposes for him in helping him "describing his ownself". I added and I shared with him, how writing had helped me. It cleared my mind, It had helped me remove "chunks" of "thoughts" out of my "crowded mind" as I put down my thoughts in writing, which helps me see things in newer perspectives. More importanly, I stressed to him the importance of dream for someone with "dyfunctional family" upbringing. That is, it helped them find an identtity. If interruptions set in, like in his case or in mind, we found the "deviation" early on, and slowly we detached from the families and lost ourselves, It added to the vinuerability and potentially could turn us from bad to worse. If succeeding your dream is hard, then under situation like this, finding one's dream to pursue is even harder. Because you can't focus, you are too distracted. Like Nathaniel, he appeared like a talented young guy. He can write lyrics, poems, play guitars and even do consuelling for younger kids at school. However, he seems not sure which one to pursue in the long term. If one needs to fail, it's better early than later. Following your heart only meant you were honest and still not meant things would become easy. We always must give it some times for things to materialise and take shape. Thati s so much I can share with Nathaniel or implied to him.

I reflected upon what I said to Nathaniel and found that the greatest challenge for an introvert is in fact to find the identity. I felt weaker not having one, and more so coming from the family upbringing. I was forced to find my identity elsewhere. Perhaps not being a relative extrovert, where central focus of strength comes from people they actively engaged in, the "identity" or the "self-concept" becomes very important for an introvert and for it to be found. But, once this is found, there will be no going back, and everything that moved will be to the future, where the strength of the introvert will slowly emerge in the process of fulfiling those dreams.

The effect of the darkside 2

Do you have a darkside?
Yes, I do and It only emerged yesterday.

What was that darkside about?
We had a speaker yesterday in the School. That academic happened to be a former student from Aberdeen, whom I found to be a bit pushy and clingy when she was trying to do her PhD. However, she was also very good in getting things her way and get it done in the end, which explain why in the end she funded herself and finished the PhD and get to where she is today.She remains my "darkside" due to those moments where she becomes "clingy" and "pushy" which didn't quite affect me at the time, but it could get worst. She was introduced by other colleagues to give a seminar here. She appears likable, but not someone I like to get any closer.

How do you get over that "darkside"
Well, I didn't deliberately want it to go away. That thought just lingered on in my head. I just didn't feel comfortable seeing her presence around, just a feeling that I don't want to relate to her in any way. Being a host, she was brought around to see our colleagues for friendly introduction. She did came to my office and had a chat. All that we chat about was whatever that happened at Aberdeen. A  bit of a gossipping, which I found fun at times, but not a lot. She did most of the talking, so I just listened. She appeared to be a bit self-pitying over her experience at Aberdeen, and think I may feel the same, but i was not. However, she still not the person I want to relate to too much. At some points in the chat, she was saying about her external examiner for her PhD, mentioned the name, which I  knew already and she said she was working on a paper with him. I said to her, yes good, work with famous people, and I added, perhaps you know this already. Then she went on to say about how nice some of the elderly colleagues, how fatherly they are, etc. On our way out of the office, she was saying about keeping in touch and link and network, which honestly I was not too keen. And she said perhaps I could go to her university to give a paper or something, which I immediately replied I need to write paper, giving her two messages, either I am not free for these meaningless activity or I don't have anything yet to make presentation. Just let her decide which one she want to believe. So in the end, I just deal with the "darkside" naturally, when times come for me to do something, I will do it and hit the right time to "send messages", I will do it.

Are there other darksides?
Yes I do. Those hidden darksides accumulated as you grow older. You met people, you interacted with people, you formed relationship with people, conflicts, communication gaps, misunderstandings all lead you to act or react with unexpected or undesirable consequences. At times, it became too hard to explain or sort it out and when moving forward is the only option, these past experiences spillover to your future encounters in similar fashions. You may be "older" and "wiser", but value judgement could always be biased by the emergence of the darksides. It's the living in the now that matters. It does not mean there won't be any struggle, still it is worth it and It adds meaning to your life

If one has so many issues or darksides, especially if it is dealing with people, how would one ever settle down properly in a relationship or friendship.
Yes, it is hard. Such darksides make you cast doubts with people, I supposed. At times, it becomes even harder when you dealt with them online (people you not seen before or not seen for a while), when you didn't see the facial expression when they type the messages, where, saying one things and meaning another could be likely and may confuse people. The effects of doubts of people on relationship was very well demonstrated in As good as it gets, a  movie which I had written a review. I guess what's different in reality is that, some people become single for the rest of their life due to that. It might not be as bad as it seems. This seems like  seeing the light at "the other" end of the tunnel, but not those in a close relationship (which of course I give my full blessing) could understand.

Living life in Anger

"..... perhaps it's time to change job."

Recently, GS was promoted. I was really happy for him. GS is about 8 years younger than me and a bright academic. I often joke with him that, even if he were to waste 8 years of his life time, he would still catch me up. He is already promoted two grades higher than me, how fantastic is that!

Yesterday, I heard GS might leave the job, which I was a little surprised. Hasn't he just recently promoted? My other colleague, JS told me that GS was "not happy" and he had a history here where he was not "treated well". It appears that he still cannot get over it and had this urge to "want more" to "compensate" for the "ill treatment". GS's experience seems to be similar to mine while I was in my previous job, which explain why I resigned. In a workplace, Human Beings can become strange creature. At times, we may overestimate ourselves or overlooked our ability to "change thing". We forget we are facing an organisation that has lots of procedure and every step of the ways must be treated with care. Letting Anger get the better of us only block us on our way up and nothing else. In the end, it appears that GS didn't quite get what he wanted from his promotion Another colleague in the promotion committee, commented to me that, GS didn't appear as good as he thought he was, despite him having four 4* published papers. It seems that he didn't quite present or packaged himself good enough for others to be convinced.

If unfortunately one were to be caught in situation that is tricky and the inner silent anger (because you didn't  think things are being fairly developed in your favour and this bothered you sometimes) cannot be properly  addressed, you end up bottleneck your anger and it turns into intensity and frustration. This affects the way you communicate with people and making it even harder, coming to important matter such as those related to promotion. The workplace could easily become a nightmare. Like what I once heard, "if you cannot change the environment, change an environment to suit you". Perhaps GS already know this which explains why he might leave the job. 

We may carry our anger with us, even the source of it may track back to the distant past. This could be our past workplace, for example. The harder one, however, is the anger that developed at home. It could easily pass down from older to younger generation, if unfortunately you are borne with problematic parents. I am glad I no longer have issue with that coming from the family. As for the workplace, the previous job which I had left and glad I did so, had provided me with insights that help me deal with job expectation and human relation appropriately, which should be crucial for my career advancement subsequently as I progress.

Doing "anything" is easy except doing "nothing"

"...... If you know how to do "nothing", one day you would find that you could just do "anything"......"

"How many of us actually sit and do nothing for at least five minutes a day in our daily life?". Natalie asked that in the first session of the meditation course I attended last August. The practice of the Raj Meditation is simply "sit and do nothing and keep a peaceful" mind. It's a very intuitive way to encourage people to start doing some forms of mediating. Since finishing the course last October, I have not been doing much meditation. I made doing "quality" meditation as my new year resolution. Even if we are "doing nothing", the mind may "wander" about and hence need some controls to stay put.

In order to motivate myself to do more meditations, and to remind and assure me of the positive impact, I should practice more often.  I first identified a time that I would need meditations, for example, in between doing two different tasks. Today, I meditated for 10 minutes. When I finished my two hours revision lecture, my lunch and some friendly nice chats with colleagues, you really need to "settle your mind" before the next task, so I switched myself off and "do nothing", just close my eyes and let my mind wander, not necessarily an empty, but peaceful (enough) mind.

I read an article, doing nothing, which says, "...... when doing nothing the prefrontal cortex is quiet…the human brain moves to a deeper state where thoughts and sensations come through without being controlled, judged, or censored" It looks like the state of mind of "doing nothing" is like in a "relaxed" state, where the mind is free of being controlled or judged.. I guess our mind is constantly being processed to think, evaluate, control or judged, simply because of the abundance of information. Therefore when no information are available when "doing nothing" (meditation), the mind becomes restless, instead of "resting". The mind wants to do things, but is finding it hard to "rest" and so end up "busy doing nothing".

I am finding that, though I am not doing a lot of meditation since beginning of the year, the frequent practice does help me develop a habit to remain calm in my mind. Meditation is like an anchor, holding me back and safeguarded me in time of "storm", help me keep calm as best as possible. It certainly needs a lot of practice and should bear fruits some days..

Settling Disputes

"...Made-up illusion is a war one is fighting within oneself, painful, tedious, draining and not getting anywhere...."

Received a reply from the last member of Group 24 telling me that he should have no problem letting me decide the distribution of the report grade when it is finalised. Group 24 had a problem when the group members were deciding how much they want to grade each others when considering the contributions to the group work. It all began when A (there are 4 members, A, B, C & D) emailed me to say she received "reliable source" indicating that D is going to grade the other members of the group based on his dissatisfaction with some of the group members, whom he was involved with when doing other group work. I then replied A to ask for "evidence" and if that is the case, I would investigate. After all the 25 groups submitted their reports and each in turn submitted their online peers assessment of each others efforts, A & B both came to me and said that their feedback about peers assessment show they scored "below averages" for all criteria that were assessed of them and claimed, they do most of the report and cannot be "below averages", this naturally implied suspicions about the motive behind D when grading other members in the group. Indeed, as I checked the group peers assessed scores, D in fact has graded other members a lot lower.

Immediately I thought I should let them do the scores again, but common sense told me that won't work because they will end up "taking revenge" and grade each other lower than previously, and all will not benefit. I thought letting all the students score the same, without considering the contribution made, may be less complicated. Then I sent out an email to group 24 stating that, but was met with disapproval by group members, claiming those contribute more should deserve more scores. I then discussed this with a senior colleague, who came out with a Plan B, which is to let students discuss face-to-face as to who contribute more and who contribute lesser and then proportion it accordingly and then should be based upon to determine the individual final score. And finally the students agreed to this plan B, claiming this is not likely as some members in the group "will be traveling", so following the email received from the last member in the group agreeing this to be left to the decision of the marker to decide the score for individual member, the matter is confirmed solved.

The purpose of group work is to foster group spirits and enhance effective learning. People must have an open mind. The online Peers Assessment method aims to assess the group work process as well, so that those who contributed will be awarded with more scores, while those contributed lesser will be penalised accordingly. It became harder if people in the group disagreed with how they grade each other. I sometimes wonder why such disagreement arises. The disagreement may just be one's made-up illusion, which is why I stressed to A, I need to see "evidence". Made-up illusion is a war one is fighting within oneself, painful and not going anywhere, tedious and draining too. The solution is to forget about the "fight" and get on with it. This means if you then decide that other members contribute less, then go and proved they are worth lesser than you. A bit tedious, a bit silly to go to that extent, but.this then posts a challenge to the students to ask themselves if it would be silly to go through it. A leopard would not change its spots. Some people simply have issues, it is not the lecturers' job to help them solve their problems. We give them options and they decide what's best to do, all else, if people think they need to get helps about "issues", they may, but sorry, not in my department.

November 2011 - My Heaven or My Hell?

".... at times it opens me to hell and at times, it opens into the heaven..."

November is a month that moves me in and out of heaven and hell. I had spoken about how it felt to be in "heaven" and "hell" in the past (see here), this time it seems a little different. I began to feel that, it is now in the conscious mind, never mind the external environments. This means that in a much broader sense, even if a person died, his body is only dead, not his spirits, implying his consciousness may still sense about things. How the spirits sense about things, whether it senses heaven or hell depends on the "mood" of the spirits. I guess when one is sleeping and dreaming, that appears like an experience where the body leaves the soul. In one's dream, one really felt like one is "floating" everywhere with all sort of emotions. As to the "mood" of the spirits, I think we can cultivate them and nurture while we are alive. To me, November 2011 gives me such good opportunity to do that.

November is busy because I was involved an "exercise" that has 2 deadlines and a teaching observation. I also have to finish writing a book chapter and submit to publisher. Furthermore, I have two full modules to lecture, Wednesday and Thursday and I have to visit London on two consecutive weekends. Obviously I anticipated this way before in September and has been quite cautious as time drew near, making sure I plan every single details along the way. As time and as November approach, I realise even being very organised like what I used to be, I cannot help but still that is not enough. Well, apart from all that as stated above,there are few meetings along the way. I just felt I simply don't have enough time. It felt just like HELL!!

Well, even that may feel like HELL, my positive side tells me, "hey let's take one week at a time" or "take one at a time". Yes, indeed, in theory that should work. Unfortunately, it didn't feel like it, it felt so drained, I move from one week to the next, working on each deadline, together with preparing for TWO lecture each time (and I am giving 2 2-hour per week), I just felt I want all these to be over soon. I kept telling myself no matter what, I will stick to my swimming routine, doing 3 times a week, which I did. Swimming becomes like a form of meditation, it sorts of tell me, keep going just I strive to keep my balance and speed when I swim, never stop or slow down until I finished my 500 meter each time I swim.

As the weeks passed, I finished tasks after tasks, racing one deadlines after another. The final deadline was the toughest, the written submission about my teaching, where I suddenly needs to reflect on why I do what I do on learning, etc. Something that didn't cross my mind not one bits in the past 7 years of my teaching in Higher Education. So it felt like a research paper to write. I search literature, I made sense of the theory and application to my teaching. I felt so "run out of time", as when I began doing this, I find myself only two weeks left to complete this. Then I realised I have to set exam papers for my two modules, apart from the normal two lectures I gave weekly, so it does felt a little nervous. The written submissions needed a lot of concentration and focus, so I told myself, "let's work early in the morning then, be motivated, get up early, be a early riser", and I did that, woke up often about 3.30 or 4 am to work, it works. I kept telling myself, focus, focus, focus, there is a time and place to do anything, let's not get distracted, even with lecturing on the same day, I put them aside. I end up preparing my lecture 48 hours before. It is a bit rush, but it forced me to get on with it and get it done! then calmly, I presented myself in the lecture.

One week before I hand in my written submission, I felt ill. I am sure it is from the foodstuff I took. I began to feel a bit of sore throat. I stop going for my regular swims, and I took time to recover from it, taking things slightly easily, though still going to lecture, give lecture in my hoarse voice, off and on feeling feverish, but I got on, woke up still at early hour to continue writing my written submission on teaching and keep my thoughts flowing to tell a good story. At times, I put things aside and I meditate, keeping a cool head then focus myself back, telling myself take one at a time.  I didn't feel I cannot do task though. It is just too many things crowded all at once. It needs a bit of taking a step back before moving forward again, off and on, it comes and go. It is the sort of strategy I used to keep myself alive on creating and telling the story. It's the working of the mind.

I saw my boss on the day of submitting the written submission. I told her that, I wrote 10000 words for that, and she was a little shocked, but then I said to her, after all that it still felt good because it made sense. The whole story came through. I am also learning something from it, about my teaching and all that, except that if it is given more time, it could be a bit more relaxed. So, that was it. I completed that final submission and handed it in. So, was that heaven or hell in the process? I like to think it is heaven, but it was a created one. You have to earn that and it does not come free. I did feel like hell I was in with all other deadlines and work all coming at once.

If you believe in after life, and believe in hell and heaven, then even in hell (for whatever reason you go there), you can still get to heaven. Make an effort, do something, you will get there. It's a state of mind, it's not what happen out there, it's in you, your conscious mind working for you. You can work on it, work it well, why not do it while you still can, get prepared, get ready and think beyond. :D

when the kitchen sink is blocked.....

"the thought behaves like water, it stops flowing...."

I have been striving to work on a few deadlines in the past weeks. When time is needed the most at this very hour, November turns out to be the month of "events". Beginning the month, there was Karli's wedding, then this coming weekend and the following I will be heading London, so there is not really much available time to do the write up. RW is also visiting in a week's time. Time is very lacking as I also have two full modules to teach in this term too.

The greatest challenge I faced is the switch between tasks (all involved some sorts of writing) of a range of deadlines, which requires one's focus very much. The transition is hard. You felt you are pushing through a crowd like the mind trying to find a way to work itself or like water flowing through a sink that is stuck. And yes, it reminded me of water. I imagine myself as water, flowing through the stuck sink, finding its way, remains resilient and capitalized on the inner strength.

The worst I don't want to happen is for me to feel anxious and then paranoid. This often arises out of unrealistic imagination of the outcome, without it actually happening at all. So I learned to shut my mind out of that. It felt good at least I finished one of the tasks, which is writing up the first draft of a book chapter. I now let JL have it to amend his section of the chapter. With that out of the list, I found the flow is getting through better, the sink is now not as blocked as it used to be, water flows better now and so is my thoughts. Hopefully this helps me get back to my "focus" (or at least try to be) self.

Change your environment to suit you

 "..whatever your color, white, yellow or black, if you are not a good person, you are not a good person, we are human after all."

YS has officially left us. We had a meal with him tonight in Brown Lane. It was wet, but there were 17 of us. YS was just sitting across me on the dinner table. LF (our boss) was next to him. The leaving speech by YS was heartfelt. I was so near to him, so hearing his tone I can tell he was close to tears at some points. LF introduces YS with such style, telling us how he started and how he blossomed eventually, undergoing through some hard times. She didn't just say the good things, but implying things weren't often as good, but YS got over it and handled it well. It's very sincere and from her heart. When YS was making his speech. He did felt he had mixed feeling about the decision, but thankful about his experience at Loughborough.

This brought me back to think about my own leaving speech at Aberdeen. That was like two years ago. I was really unhappy in there. You often thought in an environment like that, how it impacts upon people and their behaviors and how their behaviors impact upon you. You then question about the "nature of people" in the process, all in all, reveals to me a bit about the real characters of some people and it just felt so not right and you felt sad for them. Generally, I think I met friendly people wherever I worked. I guess we all know we should not take things at face value and most of the time, should not expect too much, or at least learn and be prepared to revise our expectation.

I think I made it quite public that I was not happy at Aberdeen, very subtly, just like their styles. There were issues of thrust they have on people and hence they didn't show enough confidence to even want to support you. When I was at my probation, workloads were huge (unlike over at Loughborough) as the turnover of staff was consistent, which explain the problematic work situations. I remembered that the immediate boss tried to talk to me on my last day in the office kitchen. She didn't get the chance, because I quickly told her, I hope she gets the replacement soon, then I left her. Well, whatever color she is, yellow, white or black, if she is not a good person, she is not a good person, she is human after all.

As a matter of "procedure", just like that immediate boss, who has to do things not to be supportive of her subordinate, and which she will still do it,  I also received gifts and a little leaving do upon my resignation as well. I received it with some best wishes from colleagues, which I truly miss, but didn't think too much of it. At the end when I have to write an email back to say "thank you" (which normally people do), I put a note back at the end of the message, "hope the management learn something dealing with me on the probation, that way they will go far" and I end up receive some messages from former colleague who cheers me about it. There you go, if this is the way it is, it has to be the way IT IS.

I remember I told YS, after knowing he was resigning, that, no place is an Heaven, it is the expectation that we must learn to manage. For my case, it is too extreme in Aberdeen. In the end, I still believe in a phase I read a while back, if you cannot change yourselves to suit an environment, change an environment to suit you. I am lucky I can do that, and also glad that now things have changed for the better for me. :D

I almost cried today

"..... but this won't change anything.."

I like my job It's the sort of job that has a big mix of a few things. I am a teacher, I am a researcher, I am an administrator, at times I need to play the role of a counselor. And today I became a marketer. We have this University's open day, where I helped out mending a stall for our "Accounting and Financial Management" degree program stall. The visitors consist parents and their teenage kids who will be entering the University for 2012/2013 academic year, where they will pay £9000.

We get a few students to help to engage with the visitors. I went to our stall a little late, and it was quiet. I had a chance to have a few chats with a couple of them. One of the students, whose name was Robbie, recognized me as the lecturer for "Corporate Finance" in his second year. He told me he liked the course I taught. And when he told me when he knew I won't be teaching this coming year, i.e., his third year, he told me he was sad to know that. Upon hearing that, it felt so surreal, still I can't help feeling moved by it, and I told him so! then I realized I cannot hold my emotion and felt like crying and have to use the brochures to cover my mouth for few seconds to contain my emotion. As I carry on my conversation, I have to change the topic. That was just "not me".

I didn't expect this. Why should we expect students to like us. Part of me say, well, that slot of Corporate Finance in the second year, was from 4 pm to 6 pm every Tuesday and it was such a hard time to learn or attend lecture and it makes concentration so hard, consider the time of the day. So why should we expect students to like us, we are only "doing a job", no passion whatsoever, only the knowledge and making my point, delivering the material, just that. Therefore, when I heard what Robbie said, it just made me feel quite unworthy. I even remember I wrote a blog post that time when lecture end (read here if you want to see what I had written)

Having said that, It is of course still good to be appreciated. At times you just forget students have emotions like anyone. This makes the job interesting, while dealing with people, you do get emotions caught up in between. Still we are quite "business-like". I also just received an email about a student, whom I am an adviser to (we are also student adviser, where we are contact point for students who want to chat with us about anything), did so badly in her first year that she will be terminated. We have a few cases like this every year. Students normally will meet up with you about such matter and you have to be sensitive, yet diplomatic about it, considering their best interests, perhaps choosing another University will be the best way forward for them. The bottom line to me is, as long as students don't complain about what we do, it is normal, if they said good things about you, that is a bonus. Of course, if the students like you (not that we aim to be so, we have our rule and students must stick to it even if they hate it), that seems rare, but a bonus as well, it won't change my way of working or style or think that I will do the job even better, not to be disappointing to the kids, blah, blah, blah. However, what Robbie said today is enough to make me choke and almost cried. Still, this won't change anything about the way I do my job.

Does honesty has a price to pay?

"... even if it does, the returns will come its way in the future.... "

It's strange sometimes when a similar idea was mentioned by two different co-authors, and when you are involved in the research with both these co-authors, you should really worry about conflict of interest issues. Following the acceptance of our paper, JL started to develop a new idea and was thinking about combining  DEA with SFA based on the improvised DEA model we developed. Actually BB also thought about that, and had been talking about this with me after his presentation two months ago. I was in a dilemma. Surely, I cannot write two identical papers separately with two coauthors! It does not benefit anyone.

Well, what to do then. I thought the best policy was to inform both parties and tell them about it, and I did that. I told both of them, I would rather lose a research idea than to lose a friend. One possibility is that one party might have to sacrifice the idea and do something else, so I might end up losing out on a collabrative work project. However, if I don't mention now and in due course if it happen there is a huge overlap, it will affect the margin of contribution and the possibility of getting the work published.  It will not be fair to both parties for the effort they invest in.  However, I am thankful to my wonderful colleagues who so generously include me in their area of research work. I learnt a lot from these brainy people. BB is a pure statistician and JL is a mathematician. BB who is also my current colleague, who even go to the extent to co-supervise PhD student with me, allowing me to learn about the trade on the job.

BB and JL both help support the approach I took in developing my interest in researching hedge funds performance. Therefore, I cannot expect and enforce on them the way I want things to happen on my term. That was why I was saying I rather lose a research idea than a good friend because they really mean a lot to me, so I really don't mind if I have to be honest, I will still be honest. Not sure if there is a price, but one thing for sure, the returns will come its way in the future, making the collaborative work relationship more fulfilling and fruitful

Time waits for no men

"I guess we only have "this much" time left (whatever is your age) for us to do something in our life....."

It looks like this is going to be another working weekend. I had set up a rule such that, I allow myself to work late in the week, but not to work too often on the weekend. As our profession is fairly flexible, working from home/office is really up to one's choice, it is inevitable that you may end up having to work on the weekend. I left my office today about 8 pm, so this is a fairly hectic day filled mostly with research related work. Therefore, today is really one of those that I had expected. What, however, need to be completed over the weekend are the resit exam marking and working on the next almost completed  research paper with JL. More importantly I must make a decision by Monday whether I am taking up my second PhD student, after having interviewed him today.

Strictly speaking, I won't say I am stressed. As far as it is about research, you do find that it is something counts towards the added value to your CV. I guess at times perhaps I may be taking too much. In fact, I only slept for 4 hours consecutively for 3 days last week. And when I woke up in the middle of the nights, I was thinking about some problem with a certain research I was doing. Funnily enough, I found the answer myself in those weird hours of the day. You may say I am productive, but I could do a bit better with being focused. Being focused means you do thing one at a time, and concentrate on it, and not being distracted, as you will lose the fun of it. So, when you sleep you sleep, when you are awake, you work, you relax, you just don't go to bed unnecessarily.

I think I just cannot help it, all the research that I was doing float in my head almost 24/7. While I don't think I want to fight this, I do admit a short break somewhere nearby will be helpful. I guess we only have "this much" time left (whatever is your age) for us to do something in our life while we still can. There are times where we should really take things one at a time. There are other times we really need to be reminded that, time indeed waits for no men. So, make the most of it, do the best you can, while you still can and then you can have the last laugh later. That would be great, won't it? Maybe you can tell me :D

Resignation!

"No, not me, no, no!"

We had a meeting last Friday, and a very shocking news was announced, my colleague YS has resigned! It was shocking because he was meant for some form of likely promotion as far as we all know, and when that was announced it was quite unbelievable. Well, I am sure there is a background to the reason and perhaps I may not know it at all. Having said that, I had heard from other colleagues that YS has not been happy in the past years and he have been here for more than 5 years already. My personal experience dealing with YS also tell me that while YS is a reserved, quiet type of person, he also appears to be quite unhappy with a few things, not to the extent of overly expressive, but in a subtle sort of way, he will reveal to you. And I do get that from him.

As far as I know, this is the first permanent post of YS since his PhD. To me, he has a relatively even better background compared to me. Better and supportive colleague over here, as compared to me, not even the case at Aberdeen. Seeing colleagues you do research with, one after another quit their jobs, how bad can that be, and that is what I had experienced at Aberdeen. I did tell LF before, I might not be here long enough, but I am happy so far. Indeed, there is no heaven and one cannot expect heaven. Strictly speaking, who won't have complains, and honestly, that is normal. For some, I guess, they may be too haunted by their unpleasant past work experience, that they keep thinking they are "not getting the best deal" and they became easily unhappy after a while landing in a new job and that is sad. There will of course be unhappy thing or stuff we find "not as good" in the job, but as long as it does not overtake our personal life too much, I think it should be acceptable.

We cannot expect heaven, but we can create a heavenly environment surrounding different aspects of our life, So, Rain or shine, summer or winter, keep a smiling face, it held your spirits high and that bring you good vide. Good luck, YS, I hope you find new inspirations in your new job, wherever that is going to be. :D

Breathing space

".... stop procrastination entering my thought system...." 

Finally, I had the most challenging task taken off the lists of research I wanted to focus on. It was not easy and I am talking about this one with MW as discussed few days back. The tough part is though I wanted this to be done soon. I cannot be too pushy when pursuing this with MW. I have to subtle.What I did today was. I had a thought about what to do first. So I thought giving him a call and have a causal chat will be a good start. However, I cannot get through his line, so in the end, I sent him an email, carefully explaining to him why I think that housing paper is now about time to be sent off to Journal. I did that, and then I got a reply fairly quickly. Then I realized MW's mom was ill and that explains why he didn't contact me to meet up during the Easter break. MW asked for my updated version of the paper and I sent him one. So, in reply, I told MW I will call him tomorrow and have a good chat. I guess all these sounded friendly and I hope MW appreciate that.

Sometimes, I find that I need to feel the connection with someone before I feel I can work with someone on research. MW was actually quite fine. However, compared with JL, for example, he is a lot more less expressive and a bit too introvert, though he is very careful and throughout and detailed in what he do, which I thought was very good work ethics.

Now that the Easter breaks is over and back to the term time, I am slowly picking myself up. I began to feel to stop procrastination entering my thought system, I need to give myself lots of "breathing space" for me to sort myself out and get things done eventually. Today is a good example. It may not be productive, but it's effective. A task that is seemingly tough, just need a bit of "taking a step back" and "focus thinking" to decide what is best to do. I hope this time MW would give a little more attention to this paper and make some progress. Meanwhile, I must really get going and so must think about issue with other research.Those with JR and BB. They should be the agenda for tomorrow.

Get the engine started

"Yes, it works fine even with some mishaps...."

It's the bank holiday today and I already tried to get back to my normal work routine. So, it was waking up in the morning, going for a swim, then back doing dinner and then breakfast, and head off to office. I did what I planned out. I had a thought about tomorrow lecture and finding ways to improvise it and making it better (for the students) and started making copies and stapled them with the main lecture handouts. The day went on quickly. I even sort out the overseas voting matter with regards to the Singapore election, which appear to be taken up quite a bit of time. I then contacted JL in the afternoon about our research paper on bootstrapping. It was always nice and feel inspired chatting with him. He often appeared so energized and like a breath of fresh air. I also replied a couple of emails to students fixed some appointment later in the week.

The rest of the day in the office felt a little exhausted and I just didn't feel I can carry on with anything. However, I went through the stuff listed yesterday and think I should approach MW a bit tactfully. I want to be understanding towards him, but also not want to appear to be too pushy. I then decided that maybe I should re-read the revised paper I did with him and seriously think whether it is ready for submission and then sent hm an email to let him know. Perhaps that will be better.

I think I am doing quite well considering some mishaps happening recently. This time it is not just my fridge/freezer not working, but my shower is also having a problem. Put it in short, it is the temperature mixer that has a malfunction. But then, I can use the bath tap to run a mini-bath cum shower, since the boiler is working. I didn't let these matters affect me too much as I believe I had mastered a bit of the "focus" technique, which is why I can keep my attention at work in the day, which of course, more can always be done. I had just learned yesterday from Richard Carlson's "You can be happy no matter what" that "the less stress one experienced or displayed, the more receptive others are to our needs." This is important as I am going to report the incident to Nadine tomorrow. This should help since I had learned to take all these lightly or with a sense of humor.

At night, I had my dinner, played a bit of "bubbles" (which I also broke a record, so well done ME!) and had a couple of phone calls with friends, a bit of catching up and I already felt so contented, never mind the shower and the fridge/freezer problems. We should all looking forward to another better day and always trying to go on from where we stopped the previous day and never repeat things or procrastinate too often. As for some unrelated and existing problems, we should get them sorted, but they can also take care of itself. We can think of them, but not too much to affect us and get stressed about it.

Research Strategy

" .... my strategy is to keep an "equally weighted" research portfolio..."

This is the last Sunday evening of the 4 weeks Easter Break. From Tuesday onward, I will be back to the routine at work. I so much wish I had one more week of holiday. However, looking back, this had been a good 4 weeks break. I truly enjoyed it and had relaxed myself to large extent. A good mix of work and play, which I am pleased. Well, so what's in store for me start of the term then. A few things about research that I would like to complete or accomplish.

1) The bear and bull markets with BB - This must get sorted soon. BB has provided me a 6 page of the theoretical perspective of the issues involved. I must get the rest organized, including the empirical motivation and the structure of the paper.

2) The DEA Bootstrap paper with JL - JL was quite productive and already sent me an updated version in the email on Saturday. This paper was presented in the recent BAFA conference. However, he has claimed that the paper needs further contribution inputs and has kindly worked on it. I guess I need to give him feedback and at least get the first draft in a format suitable to be sent out to a Journal.

3) The Housing paper with MW - I am a bit heart-broken with this one. I worked with MW since I was at Aberdeen with him as colleague. He has since moved on to HW as Reader and then now at Nottingham Trent as Professor. We are so near to completion and sigh! following his recent move, this paper is being hung in the air and not getting anywhere. I need to give this a push and if not all efforts on this paper will be up in the air.

4) The German DAX option paper with JR - My former student has not come back to me about this paper, regarding the data sequence I asked him about. Again, this paper is so near to completion and just need his input. However, this is less complicated compared to 3), as I am in control o most of the time and can try and find a way round to get the problem sort out. This is another task on my list.

I had spoken about my strategy in research is to keep an "equally weighted" research portfolio just to keep the momentum going in order to be productive. The above 4 items are the current papers I am working at the moment. They are all in different stages. 3) and 4) are in my out tray, ready to go anytime. 1) needs some work to be classified as in the in-tray and 2) can be soon be thrown in the out-tray ready to be sent out. I like it when I have different things working on in different stages, that way I can invest different amount of time and efforts. I am more diversified and can be more efficient, as a result. Let's hope I can have a reasonably productive time spent on research when the term re-opens next week. :D