Are you a peaceful soul?

 "... Habit will then be programmed..."

Today, I am a peaceful soul. So, this was the message Natalie was preaching. Natalie is the charismatic and charming instructor for the workshop on raja meditation that I have been attending for the past weeks. If I can be honest, I was not too unfamiliar with the various practices that she preached. I guess I just gained a deeper insights about some of those that I (or perhaps all of us) knew already all the while. For example, as I clarified with her the other week, I was told that meditation in this context is about reflection. It, however, requires one to have belief in oneself to be a "peaceful soul". It is all in the thought that goes through the mind and penetrated into our perceptions and make us see others to be peaceful.

Natalie kept emphasizing the importance of developing this as a habit. Yes, developing it as a habit and then as part of our life, which will then become easier to handle, just like brushing your teeth before bedtime, don't we all find it hard to learn this when we were young? Habit will then be "programmed" into our subconscious and as we are able to act naturally, we already enjoyed the fruits of raja mediation. I found this to be "familiar" too, as I remember I used to write diary when I was a lot younger  (12 to 16 year old, I think). I developed a thought system at that time which help me evaluate and analyze things, which becomes increasingly important following the problem in the family. My crowded mind found a safe place to "de-clutter". It certainly helped me see things better, calm me down too.

Not that I want to out-smart the instructor, just as she said today, we can experiment our reactions to an event and see that the way we act on it makes a difference, which reveals to us, it all begins in the mind. Therefore, Keeping an open mind will help here. This acts as a reminder and enable me to gain more understandings of ourselves.

Family and Karma

"....some parents never feel they gave enough to their kids, while others find they had given out too much.."

I have the chance to watch "on the fringe 2" (边缘父子) on the web. It's a drama series about problematic parents, rather than problematic kids. The storyline is realistic. It did not simply reflect what happen in the underworld. More importantly, it reflects the life of those "on the edge". Those involved indirectly. For example, those who gambled and ended up borrowing from "loan shark" to tide over hard times, just like my dad. Yes, I have parents going through similar experiences like you saw in "on the fringe 2"

I guess It will be interesting to know how someone actually living in a family condition like that will feel. Everything has a consequences and so is this matter. First of all, I guess I learn to live my life without expectation. You didn't find adults are trustworthy and can be relied upon, you become very independent for very different reasons, but not wrong reasons. A bit like that Zhiyong in the drama, who felt dejected at home, become rebellious and wanted to leave home. His poor mother almost suffered a breakdown over the guilt of her own regret of marrying a wrong man, because of the failure to take good advice (a bit like my mom too!).  Of course, I am still a lot luckier than Zhiyong, at least I was "granted" a sense to know the importance of education as the only way out (hope by the drama end, he can see that), playing the long game.

The harassment of loan shark was also shown in the drama. This had happened to us before. I had come across my father's name being put up on the wall, all over the place, because he owed some HUGE debt. That was rather hard to bear. The hardest is the absolute hopelessness that was left behind all of us, followed by angers that transformed into arguments and fights among other family members. And then I remembered it was me, who asked my dad if he wanted to go and see a counsellor to get some helps, after I had a cold war with him for 2 years, because I lent him some of my saving (to be used for my university few years down the road) and still not solved his problem. My dad agrees to that, but I didn't feel my effort to bring him to the counsellor was appreciated by other members in the family because my dad was not someone you can be hopeful of. His gambling and drinking problems say it all! At that time, I didn't have any expectation and/or hopes either. It's just taking one step at a time. However, my dad decided that prior to the second meeting with the counsellor, he wanted to stop the session. I have to let it be since he was the one who agreed to it in the first place. Strange enough, I didn't know how, but bringing the counsellor in seems to work. From then on, things seem to change for the better, but slowly. I can only say, there is no "unfinished business" now between my dad and I. In all honestly, for a son to go that far, the son is doing a lot. I cannot see how much more he can do to be a better son.

Though I was borne into a family like that, I very quickly in a very early stage of my life understand the true meaning of "imperfection", that there is no need to envy others in "good" family, we will bound to have problems anyway, so what's the difference. As I began to question why then are some people borne in "good", and some in "bad" family, I began to believe it's our Karma. Those sins we committed in our past life implicate our current life. It has to be "repaid" in some ways, which is why some parents never feel they gave enough to their kids, while others find they had given out too much. I was glad I was able to see this at fairly early stage of my life, and not affected by it too much as I quickly moved on, leaving all  baggage behind, which is equally important to me, when subsequently making decision to come to the UK, particularly for the PhD studies.. 

Looking back to what had happened to my life, and if this were to be written as a novel, then those childhood period is perhaps only the first few pages of that novel, because a lot more interesting and exciting ones are actually found after that, and a lot more elaborated.

Don't be a stranger to your past

 "forgiving" one's past is one thing, recognizing and acknowledging its significance is another

 I make it a habit to read a good novel once a year on my holiday. This year, I read Louise Dean's "Becoming Strangers" while holidaying in Singapore. This novel is so depressive that it is inspiring. The first sentence of the novel read, "Before he 'd had cancer, he'd been bored with life.." You can imagine as this gets one, how depressive it gets. The novel is about two couples meeting on a holidays in the Caribbean island. Jan (the one with the cancer) and his wife met George and his wife. The latter is the older couple. Alongside, they met other visitors on the holidays and through their interactions, having meals, drinking in the bars, going on sea cruising and BBQ, all the background and pasts of the various characters slowly uncovered and following the end of their holidays, most of them seemed to have found lights towards the other end of the tunnel as they left their holidays and got on with their lives.

The main plots of the story central on Jan and George and issues facing their lives.  I found a common theme floating between Jan and George's lives. It's about one's past and whether you want to forget or not. There is a saying, "forgive but not forget". It means thinking of the past that haunt us, we can face it and not affected by it, so we "forgive" it, though we cannot forget it. In this novel, it re-addresses this issue. Jan has a problem in his marriage, he increasingly felt indifferent and even more so after he had cancer. His wife didn't feel love in the marriage and allegedly having affairs and it appears Jan knew of this, but just "keep one eye closes". His past increasingly has no meaning, with regards to his marriage, but he just want to "forget" and "get on with life". George, on the other hand, has a wife suffered from Alzheimer. She involuntarily "forget" things. George faced his wife rather helplessly. However, the past to George, is a meaningful one, unlike Jan. At the end of it, George decided that he want to jot down his past in writing, while he can still remembers. Some memories are worth recording down before one forgets.

The novel inspired me because it prompt me to re-think about the way I dealt with my past. There were some that I want to voluntarily forget, the bad one, for instance. There were also good ones, those worth recording down like George did. All in all, "forgiving" one's past is one thing, recognizing and acknowledging its significance is another. This is the key that bring meaning to our lives, in which we will always have a choice to choose to how to live.

What is the "attraction" of 阿娣

"At times, less is more.."

I seem not able to do without watching "Devotion" (阿娣) while in Singapore. Okay, mediacorp drama series is one of the most least favourite among some friends I know. But, sorry, I am actually quite interested in it. Some early critics had it that the storyline is very unrealistic. Ah Di, the main character, played by Zoe Tay is too good too be true. Her adoption of unwanted kids was criticised to be over exaggerating, as no one can be that kind in the real world. 

If we look at how Zoe Tay played this character, she is doing a good job, though the storyline sometimes has its problem. Having said that, I see something in Zoe Tay's character, that is, the attractiveness. Interestingly, one didn't find Ah Di to be a very outspoken person. She is quiet, introverted, but she has a way with things. I would describe Ah Di's type of personality to be effective, rather than efficient (other than her "efficiency" bringing up all her adopted kids). 

People attract people. Indeed, you find some characters slowly attracted and "glued" towards Ah Di as the story developed. The interesting thing is, you didn't find Ah Di to be "doing a lot", as in her sort of character, more of the inward looking type, you would have thought to be more on the "soft" side. But, why is she so "attractive" like a magnet?

Some people don't have to do a lot to win the hearts of others. It all based on their true nature and unpretentious personalities. At times, less is more, this just helped one to channel and focus every source of energy one has in the right direction, enabling one to take things in their own strides and slowly making things happened, given with some time, determination and more importantly, patience. Zoe  Tay, as an actress, has successfully portrayed such unique, distinctively different quality in the character. Her acting is great, though I think the story could be better written.

Home is where the heart is?

"No, home is in your hands!"

I had a really nice meal with a former college senior earlier this afternoon in a nice, and cosy Malay's food outlet. Away from the nearby busy crowded Raffles place, we found this fine food outlet selling nice and very authentic Malay food. In front of us, we have curry of at least three different flavours, including the creamy coconuts flavours. They were really delicious and I enjoyed it a lot. My former college senior and I had a rather long lunch, talks and discussions. We of course didn't miss out bringing up our good old days in our Junior College (SAJC) days. We shared quite a lot and yes, and we began to miss those days, but realised though we appear to have moved on, one reason why what some people had said to us in those days remained in our memories forever, is because those words were real and truthful, whether out of anger or arguments.

My college senior walked me to the nearby bus stop after we finished the lunch, and she popped up one question, "Do you still find Singapore is like your home or you think you are on holiday?", I answered, "well, I supposed I am on holiday, see, I even sent a couple of postcards to my UK friends, so I am taking this trip as a holiday". I continued, "I am trying to feel the same wherever I am, and not get confused travelling across time zones and spaces, that way perhaps, everywhere is home." Before my college senior left me, she text me her address and ask me to send her a postcard when I return back to the UK. I understand she want to make me feel there is a "home" in Singapore too. I thought that was so nice and I was moved by her kind gesture.

They say, home is where the heart is, thank god, I still have a heart that know about this, but then, isn't that all about identity? if you can identify yourselves or able to associate with things whenever you go, everywhere is home to you. That perhaps is a bit higher level, as it meant you must really have travelled so widely to experience that. But then, it is also about expectation and adaptability, in everywhere you travelled, every experiences you encountered. It's a journey, so perhaps there is no home, only your luggage and you, forever seeking the "destination", but also enjoying what you see along the way, enjoying the view and having a good time :D