Change your environment to suit you

 "..whatever your color, white, yellow or black, if you are not a good person, you are not a good person, we are human after all."

YS has officially left us. We had a meal with him tonight in Brown Lane. It was wet, but there were 17 of us. YS was just sitting across me on the dinner table. LF (our boss) was next to him. The leaving speech by YS was heartfelt. I was so near to him, so hearing his tone I can tell he was close to tears at some points. LF introduces YS with such style, telling us how he started and how he blossomed eventually, undergoing through some hard times. She didn't just say the good things, but implying things weren't often as good, but YS got over it and handled it well. It's very sincere and from her heart. When YS was making his speech. He did felt he had mixed feeling about the decision, but thankful about his experience at Loughborough.

This brought me back to think about my own leaving speech at Aberdeen. That was like two years ago. I was really unhappy in there. You often thought in an environment like that, how it impacts upon people and their behaviors and how their behaviors impact upon you. You then question about the "nature of people" in the process, all in all, reveals to me a bit about the real characters of some people and it just felt so not right and you felt sad for them. Generally, I think I met friendly people wherever I worked. I guess we all know we should not take things at face value and most of the time, should not expect too much, or at least learn and be prepared to revise our expectation.

I think I made it quite public that I was not happy at Aberdeen, very subtly, just like their styles. There were issues of thrust they have on people and hence they didn't show enough confidence to even want to support you. When I was at my probation, workloads were huge (unlike over at Loughborough) as the turnover of staff was consistent, which explain the problematic work situations. I remembered that the immediate boss tried to talk to me on my last day in the office kitchen. She didn't get the chance, because I quickly told her, I hope she gets the replacement soon, then I left her. Well, whatever color she is, yellow, white or black, if she is not a good person, she is not a good person, she is human after all.

As a matter of "procedure", just like that immediate boss, who has to do things not to be supportive of her subordinate, and which she will still do it,  I also received gifts and a little leaving do upon my resignation as well. I received it with some best wishes from colleagues, which I truly miss, but didn't think too much of it. At the end when I have to write an email back to say "thank you" (which normally people do), I put a note back at the end of the message, "hope the management learn something dealing with me on the probation, that way they will go far" and I end up receive some messages from former colleague who cheers me about it. There you go, if this is the way it is, it has to be the way IT IS.

I remember I told YS, after knowing he was resigning, that, no place is an Heaven, it is the expectation that we must learn to manage. For my case, it is too extreme in Aberdeen. In the end, I still believe in a phase I read a while back, if you cannot change yourselves to suit an environment, change an environment to suit you. I am lucky I can do that, and also glad that now things have changed for the better for me. :D

放下?放什么下？let go of what?

"letting go takes time; letting go needs patience; letting go is a decision......"

Today I saw my college school's friend, Ben Yen, posted a comment on her facebook, 要学会放下, i.e., should learn to let go. I thought it might be some kind of a casual comment, and so I wrote on her post, "really?", in a way, I took it as a joke. Then I saw her other friends, presumably those knew about the background information a bit better to ask her "go for it", and I began to sense that I am "missing out on something". So I separately wrote her a short message privately and asked if she was okay, she said it's fine and it's just about some workplace hiccups. I was glad to hear that. Anyway, I always thought Ben Yen was a very sorted person, remembering those college days where she was our chairman in the Chinese Society we so involved with. She came across during those days like a leader and very organized and able to command respect and give instruction confidently. I hope she can cope with whatever she came across at work, as I believe she is an able person, just like during the college days. :D

Anyway, Ben Yen inspired me to write this blog post. I would like to share something about "letting go". As the word implied, It is like an act, but I think it could be a condition or a state of mind. Did I ever feel any sense of "not able to let go" in my life?" I am not too sure. What is it that keep one to hold back? Any regret? Anything you find a wrong decision you made and still holding on to? I guess these are the questions one should ask oneself? Letting go is a feeling of "freedom", letting go is also about "closure". Letting go is also a decision, yes it is up to you.  

I know someone was depressed for a long time after he learned that his loved one was getting married. He was depressed and he kept sleeping, staying on the bed, refused to get out. Until he decided that he has to go out and see people. He got out of the flat, when get down the bus and walk into the crowd, he saw the image of his loved one all over the place. He kept telling himself that was not true, but this happened more than once. He made a decision to want to let go, so each time the image float on his head, he reminded himself that was not true and he asserted himself to move on, it was painful, there were tears, but he gets on with it, he let the tears flow, knowing it will be lesser and lesser as time passed as he believe things will get better. Indeed, one year later, he was fine as he finally able to put those past back to his head, live a new life and feel free.

Letting go is not easy, it needs you to be assertive first. Somehow I see letting go as an outcome. You may be able to "easily let go" in your daily life because you have or you learned the ability to do so, perhaps through religion. At times, however, it is a decision to make, and a very big one. We are a product of our past, and for some people, baggage that you shoulder could be hard to "let go" and "letting go" is a decision to make.

Self-Respect

"..... knowing the purpose of your existence."

I learned a new interpretation of the word "self-respect" the other day on our Tuesday Meditation class. We started with the discussion about tolerance, which of course ring a bell, because tolerance is a virtue in our culture. Tolerance in our understanding has a different meaning. It is written this way, 忍. This implies you have a knife above your heart, so you have to tolerate. It is as good as suffering. Strictly, speaking it is not a good thing.

In the Tuesday's meditation, we see tolerance in a new light. It has a positive connotation. It is a form of self-respect. Self-respect that one has, helps one to acknowledge one's purpose of existence. We use the example of a tree that bears fruits, and showing that a boy was kicking the tree to have the fruits dropped on the ground, in order to eat it. We then said the tree is a giver (in fact, most from nature, like plants, flower, etc, are givers). They serve a good purpose to mankind to provide something positive to mankind. It is a good analogy because the tree won't move anyway, and we can say it is having self-respect, it won't fall, it's stem is strong, it will survive, the more this implies the strength of self-respect.

In my profession, sometimes we have to deal with difficult students. We often ensure we do our best, and that we clearly state our positions. That way, we won't be affected by badly or unacceptable behaviors by students. Another example of "self-respect" I encountered is on today. I had a long 3 hours lecture which totally drained me dry. I was so exhausted afterward, because there were a few tasks need to be completed and mostly involving deadlines. The thought of having to deal with them dread me. I then keep myself silent for 10 minutes, sitting alone and mediate. It helps me move  away from the thought of a "dreadful" day and I felt better after that. I guess I could say I gain back my self-respect because I did get back on to carry on my task and I found myself more productive. I have a better than expected outcome, which I am pleased.

Indeed, if one is too close or "too involved", one could not think straight and meditation in this case, help one move away and become detached, that way, one can see things better. It helps you get back on track, more focused and gaining back "self-respect", i.e., the purpose of your existence to getting on with things, doing things properly and acting on things. This practices certainly benefit me.

Desire, Expectation and Happiness

 ". we all deserved some, it's about how you get it..."

When my primary school teacher started to talk about the virtue of saving, and encouraged us to develop it as a habit, I thought that sounded so familiar. Well, I learned about saving from my own personal experience at home. Yes, I learned to save at a very young age, the quest for security drove me down this route, and I became very self-absorbed. There was a serious lack of security floating in the air in my family, to the extent we believe money is everything, yet we can't have everything because we often run into "money problem" at home (read more about this on here). Anyway, from my little habit i picked up on saving, I learned to live by the minimum and by doing so, I have very little desire and hence low expectation. I felt happier as I know I would less likely to run into "trouble"

Indeed, I see no desire, no expectation and therefore happiness as a good formula. See, if you have a car because you want to "show off", you will have to handle it if it broke down, which I cannot bear to think I have to deal with the consequences. You win some, but you lose some, and I am not bother at all losing out on having a car. The satisfaction derived from having a car can be replaced by other things. After all these years, situation changed and I become relatively well-to-do, still I am not quite spendthrift, my brother would say I am tight, my mom would always ask me "to buy more to eat". My dad would say, why are you saving so much money for, what is the use. My dad's remark, which he made few years ago, seriously made me question my purpose of existence, which of course, include my existence with my wealth. What's it's for and what it suppose to represent and imply. Recently, I found a conclusion for myself and I have decided what I would want to do about it.

Owing to my lifestyle, being living alone and independent, it allows me to think about my "quality" of life, and not having to spend a fortune, I am able to live quite comfortably, leading a healthy lifestyle, focusing on food, exercise and good work life balance. I am amazed by the relation of desire and expectation to happiness, which I believe is true, but for me, I learned it by the hardest and darkest way possible, where I only see the light coming out from another end of the tunnel,after quite a while. Perhaps you also have your own experience unlike those of mine, but we all get there one day.