Expectation

"being independent is the way to live...." 

What is the role of expectation in our daily life? Expectation could be risky because you may get disappointed because not all expectation will happen as expected. Why do people then want to expect something? I guess people wanted to get an assurance about things and the outcomes. I wonder if people can live without expectations of others? It seems not quite possible especially if expectation of another person also implied a certain level of responsibilities of this other person. I didn't find myself a "responsible" person mainly because I didn't feel I was brought up learning not to expect from people, and I end up being very protective over my needs, and always wanted to be "independent", which I kind of somehow achieve now and enjoying it.

As I survived those days of taking precautionary measures and to be protective of myself, I began to see it as quite possible for anyone to do. One just has to learn to be independent to begin with. This implies that you will be relying on your own self, as long as you can find meaning the way you handle this, you will be motivated to continue to do so for a very long time. Being "independent" also make you keep an "arm length" when you deal with thing, because you know you will have to take precautions of some sorts, you not likely to put blame on other people if things do not turn out as you like, you kind of "expected" it anyway. I find learning to be independent is a very good exercise to take charge of one's life and also you learnt to manage expectations of other people. Indirectly, this should promote your interpersonal relationship with other people.

However, it is a different story if people now expect you to behave in a certain way. Normally, this seems to appear among younger people, like my students in class, for example. I then learned to keep an "arm's length" with them, so I will still have my own personal spaces, without compromising too much.. Students probably find that I am someone who will do my jobs, well and good, and then all else, I am just friendly, but not particularly want to warm with them. I passed the age of looking for role models, and I survived those years  living a life with no role model. These are all good trainings to me, just that sometimes you just not sure how other younger people look at you. But then, I already know how to keep a distance with them. I guess people will just have to expect that.

Falling back and not collapse

"... when you retire.."

I attended a talk about my pension. There were some changes suggested by the USS (the pension fund manager), and it is beneficial to attend. There were some changes made to the early retirement age, which will later be adjusted upward, obviously not benefiting people like myself who will retire a lot later, but to my colleagues such as GB, who also attended the talk, he will not be affected. Indeed, he said that making the decision to retire early was the most liberating decision he ever made and he won the applaud of the audiences immediately.

Knowing GB as I do, I understand his career path in the academia is different from mine. He is living across two different systems, which like most, and hopefully not me next time, who appear not to have done enough to catch up and adapt to the change. His promotion, for example, becomes more difficult and expect a lot more at the same time. The speciality he belongs to, is not quite a popular as in the old day, and you can imagine what that would do to a person's morale. What also known to many is that, GB is currently taking care of his wife, who suffered from a stroke few years back and stopped working. In fact, sometimes I saw GB with this wife in her wheelchair doing his grocery shopping. I can tell he is a very good husband, taking care of his wife up to the fine details.

After the pension meeting, I have a little chat with GB and ask him how his manage his pension. He told me, since his wife was disabled, there had been huge claims from her pension and that supported a lot on the financial ends. Therefore, he has taken out about 83% of his income into a AVC scheme, where the contribution from is deducted before tax each month, that way you avoided paying huge tax bill. He also put some of the deductions into other low risk account. I understand GB's kids are all grown up and leaving home and leading their life, but GB is independent. On one occasion, he told me, though it may sound horrible, if the worst were to happen to his wife, he had it all planned up financially and will be all ready to get on to lead a new life. I thought that was reasonable, as he was supporting his ill health wife anyway.

GB amazes me in many ways. He is almost 60 year old and he keeps going. It is interesting because we only known one "insurance" in life is life partner, but GB let me see and think beyond. Falling back and not collapse. Yes, with a pot of pension in place, what else to worry. Surely we would want as much as possible for the pension, millions or something, but I guess it's the organisation of the finances. It's a simple rule applies to all and I see another important trait in GB, he seems to start with "being self-sufficient", ensuring his survival first, which is important, and which I think he will achieve that, and anything else comes along becomes a bonus. It seems like the sort of thinking I found familiar, combining desire, expectation and happiness. This perhaps also works when I retire, helping me live a sufficiently fulfilling retirement life.

The disappointment of that white coat boy

 ".... all because he asked me to collect my urine in that BIG container..."

I have to fast this morning and delayed my breakfast because I have registered myself to take part in one experiment, that is about testing for dehydration in a human body. This took place in the School of Sports and Exercise Science, in the CW Building. I was a little intrigued because CW Building looks like a normal venue for lecturing and tutorial, what else could happen in there, I wonder. When I arrived, I was received by a student and being escorted up to the level where the experiment took place. I must say I was quite impressed when I knew where all these are going to happen, it was at the top floor on the other side of the building, totally well "wrapped up" like a sort of CIA location, quite protective and secretive I must say, and when I reached there, I was taken take by another guy in white coat, yes, as in doctor attire. He appeared kind of proud of his outfit, hinting to me as if "hey now i am the doctor and you are my patient" and then he says hi to me and introduced himself. That was fine. Then I followed this white coat boy through a few doors and meeting a few other white coat specialist, saying hi here and there. Then we reached a room, where the whole experiment began. I was then asked to collect my urine in a rather huge container, which was not quite the same like a tube normally GP will use. Then My blood sample was taken and I filled in even more forms.

I chat with the white coat boy and  then  I knew that this experiment was required as part of his final year dissertation project and he needs a lot more sample to complete the dissertation. It was about the study of the contributing factors to dehydration. I was then asked to collect urine samples for the next 7 days. I was then given with 4 EVEN LARGER containers, almost as big as those 2 ml in capacity! I was asked to collect them using each of the 4 containers each days, and to bring back and exchange for another 3 next Tuesday. Also, My first pee of the day must be into the container of the previous day and only my second pee is into the new container. I thought that was so complicated and I have to take down some notes. He also gave me a booklet and showed me to record my foodstuff I took every day, take down the times, what i ate and also how I felt before i eat those stuff, am I happy or not, between a scale of 1 to 5, also am I with friends and where I was, etc. I thought that was a bit daunting, but I decided to give it a go. Then I left and went back to my office.

Later that morning, the more I thought about this, the more I felt it was not quite right. Collection of urine in this huge container everyday means I have to go to the toilet with that BIG container and pee. What would my colleagues think about this, I cannot imagine. Even if i do it in my office, I still have to keep my urine in my office and that will smell horrible, and what if I have people in my office, that felt so wrong, and then at the end of the day, I have to bring my pee back keeping the BIG container in my bag, it was so weird. I decided that I am not going to do this quite quickly, call that white coat boy, and brought the container back to him, and explaining to him, and I can see his disappointment, and I gave him a pat on his back, implying to him "good luck" and I left and felt glad I don't have to keep my urine in those rather shockingly BIG containers. Perhaps those BIG containers are really not meant for me, hahahaha!

November 2011 - My Heaven or My Hell?

".... at times it opens me to hell and at times, it opens into the heaven..."

November is a month that moves me in and out of heaven and hell. I had spoken about how it felt to be in "heaven" and "hell" in the past (see here), this time it seems a little different. I began to feel that, it is now in the conscious mind, never mind the external environments. This means that in a much broader sense, even if a person died, his body is only dead, not his spirits, implying his consciousness may still sense about things. How the spirits sense about things, whether it senses heaven or hell depends on the "mood" of the spirits. I guess when one is sleeping and dreaming, that appears like an experience where the body leaves the soul. In one's dream, one really felt like one is "floating" everywhere with all sort of emotions. As to the "mood" of the spirits, I think we can cultivate them and nurture while we are alive. To me, November 2011 gives me such good opportunity to do that.

November is busy because I was involved an "exercise" that has 2 deadlines and a teaching observation. I also have to finish writing a book chapter and submit to publisher. Furthermore, I have two full modules to lecture, Wednesday and Thursday and I have to visit London on two consecutive weekends. Obviously I anticipated this way before in September and has been quite cautious as time drew near, making sure I plan every single details along the way. As time and as November approach, I realise even being very organised like what I used to be, I cannot help but still that is not enough. Well, apart from all that as stated above,there are few meetings along the way. I just felt I simply don't have enough time. It felt just like HELL!!

Well, even that may feel like HELL, my positive side tells me, "hey let's take one week at a time" or "take one at a time". Yes, indeed, in theory that should work. Unfortunately, it didn't feel like it, it felt so drained, I move from one week to the next, working on each deadline, together with preparing for TWO lecture each time (and I am giving 2 2-hour per week), I just felt I want all these to be over soon. I kept telling myself no matter what, I will stick to my swimming routine, doing 3 times a week, which I did. Swimming becomes like a form of meditation, it sorts of tell me, keep going just I strive to keep my balance and speed when I swim, never stop or slow down until I finished my 500 meter each time I swim.

As the weeks passed, I finished tasks after tasks, racing one deadlines after another. The final deadline was the toughest, the written submission about my teaching, where I suddenly needs to reflect on why I do what I do on learning, etc. Something that didn't cross my mind not one bits in the past 7 years of my teaching in Higher Education. So it felt like a research paper to write. I search literature, I made sense of the theory and application to my teaching. I felt so "run out of time", as when I began doing this, I find myself only two weeks left to complete this. Then I realised I have to set exam papers for my two modules, apart from the normal two lectures I gave weekly, so it does felt a little nervous. The written submissions needed a lot of concentration and focus, so I told myself, "let's work early in the morning then, be motivated, get up early, be a early riser", and I did that, woke up often about 3.30 or 4 am to work, it works. I kept telling myself, focus, focus, focus, there is a time and place to do anything, let's not get distracted, even with lecturing on the same day, I put them aside. I end up preparing my lecture 48 hours before. It is a bit rush, but it forced me to get on with it and get it done! then calmly, I presented myself in the lecture.

One week before I hand in my written submission, I felt ill. I am sure it is from the foodstuff I took. I began to feel a bit of sore throat. I stop going for my regular swims, and I took time to recover from it, taking things slightly easily, though still going to lecture, give lecture in my hoarse voice, off and on feeling feverish, but I got on, woke up still at early hour to continue writing my written submission on teaching and keep my thoughts flowing to tell a good story. At times, I put things aside and I meditate, keeping a cool head then focus myself back, telling myself take one at a time.  I didn't feel I cannot do task though. It is just too many things crowded all at once. It needs a bit of taking a step back before moving forward again, off and on, it comes and go. It is the sort of strategy I used to keep myself alive on creating and telling the story. It's the working of the mind.

I saw my boss on the day of submitting the written submission. I told her that, I wrote 10000 words for that, and she was a little shocked, but then I said to her, after all that it still felt good because it made sense. The whole story came through. I am also learning something from it, about my teaching and all that, except that if it is given more time, it could be a bit more relaxed. So, that was it. I completed that final submission and handed it in. So, was that heaven or hell in the process? I like to think it is heaven, but it was a created one. You have to earn that and it does not come free. I did feel like hell I was in with all other deadlines and work all coming at once.

If you believe in after life, and believe in hell and heaven, then even in hell (for whatever reason you go there), you can still get to heaven. Make an effort, do something, you will get there. It's a state of mind, it's not what happen out there, it's in you, your conscious mind working for you. You can work on it, work it well, why not do it while you still can, get prepared, get ready and think beyond. :D

when the kitchen sink is blocked.....

"the thought behaves like water, it stops flowing...."

I have been striving to work on a few deadlines in the past weeks. When time is needed the most at this very hour, November turns out to be the month of "events". Beginning the month, there was Karli's wedding, then this coming weekend and the following I will be heading London, so there is not really much available time to do the write up. RW is also visiting in a week's time. Time is very lacking as I also have two full modules to teach in this term too.

The greatest challenge I faced is the switch between tasks (all involved some sorts of writing) of a range of deadlines, which requires one's focus very much. The transition is hard. You felt you are pushing through a crowd like the mind trying to find a way to work itself or like water flowing through a sink that is stuck. And yes, it reminded me of water. I imagine myself as water, flowing through the stuck sink, finding its way, remains resilient and capitalized on the inner strength.

The worst I don't want to happen is for me to feel anxious and then paranoid. This often arises out of unrealistic imagination of the outcome, without it actually happening at all. So I learned to shut my mind out of that. It felt good at least I finished one of the tasks, which is writing up the first draft of a book chapter. I now let JL have it to amend his section of the chapter. With that out of the list, I found the flow is getting through better, the sink is now not as blocked as it used to be, water flows better now and so is my thoughts. Hopefully this helps me get back to my "focus" (or at least try to be) self.