Sad Exercise

"You either find yourselves happy or sad by the way you are surrounded by people..."

JS holding his coffee mug with that broken handle, knocking on my office door and came in for a friendly chat. "So, what's up for the weekend?', asked JS. "Well, I probably will go for a swim later, it's my swim day'. I told JS. "Swimming feels like a sad exercise, doesn't it? It just you and you alone, and you can't get any interaction more than that." JS answered.

It's interesting how JS described swimming as a 'sad exercise'. I asked JS if he is a depressive person, which he answered not quite now compared to five years ago. I then told him that I found swimming to be 'reflective'. It helped me focus on my body movement and the use of my strength under water, which often didn't appear as 'straightforward' because each movement used up energy which required breathing in good timing, to help regained breathe for subsequent movement, which for me is 500 meters normally. This certainly means that you could strengthen you muscle through good breathing and body movement coordination. The strengthening of the abs muscle can be achieved by blowing out bubbles (really hard) coming out from that part of the lower body.

After my explanation, JS appeared to be convinced that swimming is not quite a 'sad exercise'. Perhaps being academics, it is only making sense that matter and so at the end of it, JS and I were quite happy that weekend is round the corner and then we bid each other farewell and wish for a good weekend to come.

You either find yourselves happy or sad by people you are surrounded by, either a lot of people, close family members or no one. Every interaction with people can bring joy or pain, even no interaction can do the same. However, every "interaction" (this may be your own thoughts or awareness of your thoughts and your surrounding) with your own self is not sad. Sad exercise (or even sad life)  involves one increasingly not found meaning in the exercise they engaged in (which will lead to failure in continuation after a while). In life, as you get fewer and fewer interactions with people, though this may act as a signal to tell you not to be too isolated and should really get out to see people, the important point is, either by choice or not by choice, there are ways to make good of this. And even when doing exercise, it could also bring you insight and knowledge not many would realise.

Draw, Dig and Daydream

"... are simply doing 'nothing'...."

Having bought my computer and setting it up successfully, I have now one task off the list and can focus on other aspect of my "work life balance" issue. I guess I still like being organised, though not necessarily implying to constantly check on the detailed bits and pieces, I do sort things out regularly to make sure I get a bit of control, just like you de-fragmentize your PC, you don't do it everyday, only at interval, to get rid of the 'clutters'.

Today, I cleared up my office desk as I just finished some collaborative research with my colleague. There were piles of papers everywhere, and I need to file them clearly to where they belong, by the topics they represent. I am in need of  space for other work. However, being organised can only help you this much, more importantly, as I move on to other research work, which normally is on a different topics of interest, the continuity of the work spirits needs to be there. As a result, I need to put in a bit more effort to get that 'work spirits' in place and hence, I find myself needing to do more to maintain the work momentum.

I had not been catching up with my favourite blog lists for a while. Today, a random browse brought my attention to "Permission to Putter", which is an article about 'doing nothing', with a different take. "Doing nothing" is a process, not quite a stage of being (since it is also doing, except, doing nothing) The article interestingly suggested some activities that can be engaged to help one 'do nothing'. To me, this is important, as I need to completely "get out of myself" before entering into an entirely different mind set to do research of a different topics. I needed the freshness to help drive inspirations, ideas and creativity. The article suggested draw, dig and daydream to be some of the activities. I can see how these are 'do nothing' activities. They can be carried out randomly and intuitively, rather than 'logically', that way, the mind can rest.

I hope tomorrow I will move nicely into my research with JL, following my updates today, but perhaps I should do 'nothing' first before I began doing those research?

What did I learn from my technology phobia?

"fear is not a fear when you began to make sense of it..."

My laptop of five years has recently gone to heaven. In the past two weeks or so, Obviously, the sensible way is for me to acquire a new computer. It actually took me quite considerable amount of time to decide what model to go for. The harder one was deciding whether to go for a laptop or a desktop PC. I realised I was so used to my 'comfort' zone that the question of 'what if' kept coming up. what if there is some unsolvable problem and especially after the period of warranty, I may have to bring the heavy desktop for repairs. How inconvenient will that be, which made me think perhaps having a laptop would be easier as it is lighter and can be brought anywhere I like. It was my colleague who suggested that a desktop would be more durable than a laptop, which convinced me I should really consider one. Furthermore, a widescreen PC monitor which can accommodate columns and columns of spreadsheets, will help in my research.That gave me another motivation to get a desktop, rather than a laptop, where the screen size is only as large as 17", but it could be about 24" for a desktop computer monitor.

So, I overcome my initial concerns supposedly. And then I kept sourcing for information, which I was so obsessed to want to be perfect. And indeed, I never failed to source for alternative options and compared them to find the best and to make sure I get the best. In a strange way, I have to thank my research skills, I find myself able to pick up information and digest them fairly quickly and of course also the efficient search engine, allowing me to find more information, such as what made a LED PC Screen good quality, apart from energy saving.

In the end, when all have been gathered and coming to decision time, it was hard. The fear of making regretful decision procrastinated my move. More importantly, I wanted to make sure I get my value worth for every penny I spent. In the end, I have to depend on my 13" screen alternative laptop every night while at home, and working at 1GB Ram, It was a real pain. Things didn't feel quite as consolidated and my mind was undecided on the BEST value deal. At times, I even thought about going back to buying a laptop as I was not sure if it would be a good move. There were so many things, the cable, the wiring, the quality of the monitor screen and the space available.

I find that, eventually when I had decided to stick to buying the desktop, the concerns were the same. It was still the widescreen and the durability. I will be paying almost the same price if I go for the laptop, which would not be as durable, and still the desktop has better-graded processor and RAM. Therefore, in the end, I go for the desktop. Clicking those buttons to process the order was another tough job. After that, I began to fear if I would break the PC monitor, not sure if they would be hard to set up, for I know if I bought a laptop, that would not be a problem. I was so afraid it would be a wrong decision. I was so anxious that I searched for the product manual and see it for myself how to set up the PC monitor, which I was then convinced that it would be fine.

Now as I typed this blog post on my new computer, I can say I have no regret with my choice. In fact, I even got an exchange from John Lewis because I told them the sound quality was not good for that earlier version of the HP desktop I bought, and I wanted to exchange to another cheaper HP desktop model, with a supposedly "preferred sound quality" (hehe!). In the end, it's a good deal. With a processor of intel i7-2640, running at 6GB RAM and a 23" IPS Panel LED PC monitor, that comes with 3 cable ports, and paying in total about £700 (after deducting vouchers and discounts), what can I still complain about, especially I also have two years guarantees for my desktop PC and five years warranty for the LED PC monitor.

So, what has "technology phobia" taught me? I think phobia surrounds each and every comfort zone that contains you. What let you out of there, is your visualisations of your phobia and your making sense of them. Researching information is mean to an end, aiming at making sense. And fear is no more a fear when you began to make sense of it. What's left is a bit of courage and belief in yourself to move just ONE more step to make THAT decision, bearing in mind that, though nothing would likely remain as perfect, it is only a matter of tolerance, which I hope I don't have to bear too soon.

My introverts Experience (3) (The End)

"..... It's the identity that gives introverts the source of strength to fulfil those dreams....."
 
"That woman is a bitch," said Nathaniel, who sat next to me in the plane. He was sharing with me about his family problem, detailing his parents divorced and falling apart, with his mother living with him and his father with the "bitch", It felt a bit different now that I am reasonably "qualified" to "guide" the youngster on similar family experience.  Nathaniel, who is only 20 year old, appeared quite open minded, however, and willing to share, perhaps due to his young age. I do enjoy my chat with him in this long journey. I saw that he was quite receptive and that made me open up to him about my similar ezperience. I told me that I had sought counselling help while I was 18 or 19 year old, and what's worse and hard to bear was for you to realise later in life that, things were a lot worse than originally thought to be. Understandably in situaitons like his or mine, it is easy to think that life coming to end too soon and hard to live. Yet, it should not stop one to puruse one's interests and why not. It is hard, especially if family problems become a potential distraction. I can see Nathaniel to be a potential introverts given that he shared a common interest with me, i.e., writting.

I can see that "writing" has served some useful purposes for him in helping him "describing his ownself". I added and I shared with him, how writing had helped me. It cleared my mind, It had helped me remove "chunks" of "thoughts" out of my "crowded mind" as I put down my thoughts in writing, which helps me see things in newer perspectives. More importanly, I stressed to him the importance of dream for someone with "dyfunctional family" upbringing. That is, it helped them find an identtity. If interruptions set in, like in his case or in mind, we found the "deviation" early on, and slowly we detached from the families and lost ourselves, It added to the vinuerability and potentially could turn us from bad to worse. If succeeding your dream is hard, then under situation like this, finding one's dream to pursue is even harder. Because you can't focus, you are too distracted. Like Nathaniel, he appeared like a talented young guy. He can write lyrics, poems, play guitars and even do consuelling for younger kids at school. However, he seems not sure which one to pursue in the long term. If one needs to fail, it's better early than later. Following your heart only meant you were honest and still not meant things would become easy. We always must give it some times for things to materialise and take shape. Thati s so much I can share with Nathaniel or implied to him.

I reflected upon what I said to Nathaniel and found that the greatest challenge for an introvert is in fact to find the identity. I felt weaker not having one, and more so coming from the family upbringing. I was forced to find my identity elsewhere. Perhaps not being a relative extrovert, where central focus of strength comes from people they actively engaged in, the "identity" or the "self-concept" becomes very important for an introvert and for it to be found. But, once this is found, there will be no going back, and everything that moved will be to the future, where the strength of the introvert will slowly emerge in the process of fulfiling those dreams.

My Introvert Experience (2)

Do you think you are more of an Introvert or Extrovert?
I think the relatively introvert or extrovert personalities could be nurtured. However, I guess there is a base for everyone, which then broadly defines one's extent of introversion or extroversion. The environmental factors then force one to act either inwardly or outwardly, and hence deepened or reinforced the existing effects. Then you may become more extrovert or more introvert. For me, I think I tend to be more introvert than extrovert.

How does that introversion developed over the year?
It all began in the family since young (and then perhaps that extend out later to social situation with friends at school, etc). The environment had a big impact on me. One distinctively different feature about an introvert is that, they "think then act or speak". I guess for me, I may have thought too deeply and too much, and I just could not speak or act appropriately, because those inputs that enter my thinking system confused me. For example, since young I have always confused why my mom kept asking me to ask my dad to give up his bad habits of drinking and gambling, because if that is the case, why my mom wanted to marry my father and what made her think that if she can't do that, me as a kid (8 or 9 year old then) would be able to do so. Family is an interesting situation to observe group dynamics and people interaction. I had tried playing roles of all and failed all of them, perhaps I had thought too much and hence often end up "acting" at the wrong time. In particular, I was not good at managing others' people anger. When two people fight, I found it so powerless to turn them around. My mom was angry with my dad because of his problem and my second brother always became angry after my mom was angry with my dad, because my second brother was sympathetic about my mom. I only had gently told him once, "don't get angry when mom is angry". I still didn't think he get it. Anyway, that's quite a typical introvert of me, think a lot, and then act or speak at the wrong time and perhaps using incorrect strategy.

If being introvert means "you think a lot", and looks like the family was quite a mess, were you depressed at all?
Now I think of it. It's true to some degrees that "thinking a lot" HURTS! This is because you didn't get a chance to let it out and you become so self-absorbed. One weakness of being an introvert is the inability to clear up conflict, given the bad experience with people who are mostly angry, it freak me even more thinking about clearing up conflict. I, however, don't think I was clinically depressed. I found a world of my own when I started to write. I picked up writing a diary at the age of 13. I found a place to express myself. I found an outlet. At times, I do found I was depressed but I soon "bound back". Being an introvert also helps me here because it helped me "detach" and learnt not to take things too hard or personally. This is because as I take a step back, I move back even more to be an introvert, and I began to feel a sense of peace and hence prevented me to be further affected by other people's (other family members) negative emotions. The fact I started to write diary helps me in a big way and give space to my thinking capacity and spaces. I don't think it is a strength issue that I am able to cope this, rather it is a coping technique (therefore this can be LEARNED, rather than STRENGTH which is like underlying in the personalities). Precaution is better than cure and that is why despite having a rather crowded mind at times, I never feel I was depressed or mentally ill at all.

Given a choice, do you like to be more of an introvert or extrovert?
I actually quite envy being an extrovert. They seem so fearless. I can easily spot a couple of colleagues who are of this type personalities and observing the way they talk and behave at meeting, I wish I could have some of their qualities. They are also often so fast, sharp and alert to react, and never fail to impress and with an air of effortlessness. While these are all true, but who knows yourselves better than you do. Over the years, as you learnt more about your weakness, strength. What you see and envied in others that are so-called extrovert qualities no longer becomes important. You accepted the ways you are and you are okay with it because you can equally achieve what the extrovert can achieve, with only just a little different in the impact and it does not matter because it is all about YOU. Therefore, I would be happy to be either, introvert or extrovert as both have their strengths. It is how to exploit them to bring out the BEST to serve your purpose in life.