Flow

"...... until it gives you a sense of irresistible calmness..."

I had the chance of catching up with a few of my friends during my college days. Some of them were quite close and we discussed a lot of things during those times, exchange a lot of opinions on matter about life, future and career. They matter to you because they had an impact in some ways in your subsequent thinking. I was lucky to be able to find this college senior on facebook. BC was one of those senior during my JC day, even among us, we call him "granddad" because he is so knowledgeable and like a very reliable parent and we won't hesitate to contact him if we had any things to discuss, and he will be so patient to lend us his listening ears. He is a good man. When BC had a browse on my profile on facebook. He commented on my interest that I am into religion, and I told him I am more into Buddhist's thinking, while he said he was more into 老子. He read my blog and asked me to read more, and he also said there is a lot in our Chinese Culture, which I can not agree more. However, I also told him there is no boundary in my thinking, now that I tend to "go with the flow" given my situation.

I guess sometimes people like myself can easily found we tend to be "in the middle", stick somewhere. Not very Chinese, also of course also not English. Many things in life is not by choice, but by chance. The position I am in makes me look like "an outsider", the bad thing is I don't "belong anywhere"; the good thing is I can observe and can easily be empathetic if need be, since I "don't belong", I don't feel "involved". Inevitably, in an environment of a different culture, one can't help being influenced by the way of thinking and behavior. Still, I am often being challenged in term of people I choose to be close with. I do believe whatever our environment, we choose our friends. To do so, it needs sometimes to see beyond the layer of cultural difference between you and the other person, and then to treat them as who they truly are and be their friends, or simply as their colleagues. It's a steep learning curve, and no one says you know it all from day one.

This reminds me what we discussed in our meditation class on Tuesday. Something about the cycle of time, that there is a world drama cycle, in that, whatever we do, we no longer attained the peace that long ago it used to be, we forget how to make the good use of what we have, and make the best of it, we simply influence by our environment. We forget how to be good "Actor", as in acting from within, acting from a peaceful mind. Surely, considering my environment, I can only make the best of it, and not affected by whatever that is "enforced"on you. I think the idea of being an actor is to "feel involved" in a situation, with an element of focus along the way. You must feel you embrace the situation and feel the situation, the here and the now, as you observe with your senses. All so clear and crisp that bring to you a state of irresistible calmness.

This actually feel like the flow of water, as my forever inquisitive cousin brought it up the other day. Yes, it's an emotion that diffused in a situation, widely spread throughout, like water that flows if you pour it out slowly. It's the inner strength that emerged, as your sense of peace and calm took over you more and more. This helps to give you a sense of power as you would realize, the more meditations you practice, if you believe in it, of course.

When two "sick" people try to fall in love

 "..... they battled against their own demons to bring out the deepest sincerity hidden in there...."

I own a small 14" little black box that come with a VHS function. This is one of the oldest  TV model you would ever see in the world now. I have a few classic movies in VHS in my collection. One of my favorites is  "as good as it gets" by Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt.

"As good as it gets" is a love story, about two sick people. One with Obsessive Compulsion Disorder (OCD) and one other loaded with baggage. The moving part of the movie is that Jack Nicholson, while suffering from OCD, tried his very best to woo Helen Hunt. It was never easy, and he never quite get it right, either finding himself too lost for words or express the wrong thought. It all appeared like a comedy, but not funny at all if it is in real life. Obviously, Helen Hunt, who is the single mom in the movie was all too hung up over finding true love in her life, to the extent, putting all her heart and soul in her young kid becomes her top priority and she became over-anxious with tiny details.

It's an old movie and I guess most would have known the ending or the story for sure. The ending of the story does not necessarily imply that both Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt will live happily ever after. It only showed both finally able to reach the same frequency and thread of thought and communicate properly. There were some awkward moments of expressing love to each others. Those scenes where both kiss were very hard to watch, which is not surprising. Love is not necessarily romantic, especially if two "sick" people try to fall in love. They have to try again and again, until they get it right, which is why Helen Hunt must remind Jack Nicholson, "Try not to ruin it by being yourselves" each time the latter tried to "say something nice". It is very moving because they are battling against their own demons to bring out the deepest sincerity hidden in there.There is quite a substantial degree of resilience and endurance in there in this rather intense love relationship. This is something quite realistic, it might take a lifetime for someone to overcome that.

The ending of  "as good as it gets" implies that life is not all about getting married and have kids (not that if you do that, it will be a bad thing). Perhaps this is not something my parents' generation will understand. They seem to believe once marriage is on the card, things will sort itself out. There is an implicit fear of staying alone all your life and people are reacting to the fear by resorting to marriage, putting their issues about relationship aside, causing potential problems later. No one should be in a hurry to reach an ending, thinking all will end well in a marriage. because things never end, it only comes in stages, one after another. The question is what is the next stage.

In "as good as it gets", coming to the end of the movie, you never quite feel Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt will be together forever or they will become a steady couple. You only see that they resolve their conflicts they have with each others and they are able to communicate properly, and that is a good step forward. Whether they will marry or not, that however is not important anymore. One step at a time, one stage to the next, up until the day you die, you are only reaching at a certain stage, that still does not mean the end. That is why life sometimes feel like a journey, even in our love life, whose next to you, married to you or not, in a relationship or not, they are not quite as important. The important thing is they are THERE in the current stage of your life They are THERE with you, at least they live in your heart, in that special place.

I almost cried today

"..... but this won't change anything.."

I like my job It's the sort of job that has a big mix of a few things. I am a teacher, I am a researcher, I am an administrator, at times I need to play the role of a counselor. And today I became a marketer. We have this University's open day, where I helped out mending a stall for our "Accounting and Financial Management" degree program stall. The visitors consist parents and their teenage kids who will be entering the University for 2012/2013 academic year, where they will pay £9000.

We get a few students to help to engage with the visitors. I went to our stall a little late, and it was quiet. I had a chance to have a few chats with a couple of them. One of the students, whose name was Robbie, recognized me as the lecturer for "Corporate Finance" in his second year. He told me he liked the course I taught. And when he told me when he knew I won't be teaching this coming year, i.e., his third year, he told me he was sad to know that. Upon hearing that, it felt so surreal, still I can't help feeling moved by it, and I told him so! then I realized I cannot hold my emotion and felt like crying and have to use the brochures to cover my mouth for few seconds to contain my emotion. As I carry on my conversation, I have to change the topic. That was just "not me".

I didn't expect this. Why should we expect students to like us. Part of me say, well, that slot of Corporate Finance in the second year, was from 4 pm to 6 pm every Tuesday and it was such a hard time to learn or attend lecture and it makes concentration so hard, consider the time of the day. So why should we expect students to like us, we are only "doing a job", no passion whatsoever, only the knowledge and making my point, delivering the material, just that. Therefore, when I heard what Robbie said, it just made me feel quite unworthy. I even remember I wrote a blog post that time when lecture end (read here if you want to see what I had written)

Having said that, It is of course still good to be appreciated. At times you just forget students have emotions like anyone. This makes the job interesting, while dealing with people, you do get emotions caught up in between. Still we are quite "business-like". I also just received an email about a student, whom I am an adviser to (we are also student adviser, where we are contact point for students who want to chat with us about anything), did so badly in her first year that she will be terminated. We have a few cases like this every year. Students normally will meet up with you about such matter and you have to be sensitive, yet diplomatic about it, considering their best interests, perhaps choosing another University will be the best way forward for them. The bottom line to me is, as long as students don't complain about what we do, it is normal, if they said good things about you, that is a bonus. Of course, if the students like you (not that we aim to be so, we have our rule and students must stick to it even if they hate it), that seems rare, but a bonus as well, it won't change my way of working or style or think that I will do the job even better, not to be disappointing to the kids, blah, blah, blah. However, what Robbie said today is enough to make me choke and almost cried. Still, this won't change anything about the way I do my job.

Accepting and Understanding

"...... but which one comes first?"

We discussed about Karma in the Raja Meditation class yesterday. Karma is not a new topic to me. I had learned that during my Secondary School time. Last night class however bring me some new insights which I will share on this blog.

Marion, our instructor for last night asked, which one come first? Accepting or understanding? She said, there are things in life where there can be no answer at all because things do happened, I was the one who answered her first. I said, we understand and then we accept. All I had in mind was being empathetic, once you put yourselves in other people shoes, and see what they see, you understand and then you begin to accept. However, what Marion explained later was the reversed to what I said to her. She said, when bad things happened, what we tried to do was to try and understand by questioning the "why". This cause anger, stress and frustrations. We could have channeled our thinking to more productive thought. Indeed, as she so rightly mentioned subsequently was doing good deeds, sowing the seeds of good, and this will come back to us in good vides, just like the ripples one sees when throwing a stone into the water.

When the cause and effect are not complete all at one go, like when a drunken man drove his car and had a car accident, it is easy to point out the cause and the effect, hence the karma. There bound to be things that we could not trace back the "source" of it or the "cause" of it, where there are far too many in our life. For that, the only cure is to "accept" it and keep doing good deeds as this will eventually come back in good faith. Practicing meditation, cultivating a peaceful mind and soul help one accept things more readily, and with that bring good thought which could initiate good deeds and hence bring good karma. This makes perfect sense to me. :D

Re-discovering the blue sky!

I have been attending the raja Meditation course for a while now.  I attended the course with prior understanding of some meditation "technique", I was not as receptive as some who knew none about this technique. Yet, I was open minded about it and want to give it a go. The session on Tuesday was quite a crucial one for me. It convinced me the rationale on which raja meditation preaches the way it did on it meditation technique.

I guess right from the start when I attend the raja meditation course, I was seeing similarities in the way the raja technique believes and what Buddhism believes in. I cannot see what is so distinctively different about this meditation. Tuesday' session talks about the 3 worlds that the raja meditation believe we all live in, the earth, the mind and the supreme world, where the soul is the purest! As suggested in Buddhism, we cultivate our mind to ensure we are away from pain and suffering, by focusing on the fact that things you owned in life won't last, and so desire, which form the route cause of pain and suffering, can be managed well and not let it go out of hand. In the case of raja meditation, it focuses on the fact that our soul is pure and lots of quality in us can be brought up and this gives rise to cultivating the quality of the human nature, that is the reason for the mediation, to allow us to see our quality and then attained the calming effect in the process.

On Tuesday session, Natalie also discussed about "observation" and "detachment". That in Meditation, one observes what is around him, and by observing, it is meant to make one feel "detached" because you "observe", you don't "get involved". You developed a more calm and peaceful mindset and able to see things in a better light. Then I go back to reading "The Happiness Trap" and I found a section that discussed the observing self, and it uses the analogy of the blue sky as our observing self. Here's the quote from that book,

"You can imagine the observing self like the sky, while thought and feelings are like the weather - constantly changing. And no matter how bad the weather, no matter how violent the thunderstorm, no matter how turbulent the wind, rain and hail, the sky always has room for it, and cannot be hurt or harm by it in any way. Even the hurricanes and the tsumasis, which may wreck havoc upon the land, are unable to hurt or harm the sky. And of course, as time passes, the weather will change, while out beyond the weather patterns, the sky remains as pure and clear as ever."

I thought that was beautifully written. In fact, "The Happiness Trap" gives a very psychological aspect on the logic of "meditation" and how it helps the mental health. It uses a lot of interesting and easy to understand analogies to help making the explanation clearer. I find these are all great stuff. All these information and techniques from the different sources all seem to come back altogether in one, in a coherent way. I am seeing the meaning in it and slowly internalized and digest them into my thought system, which will help me even more whenever I meditate.

Ivan

" it is really thankful to have a friend visiting...."

"Hey you put on weight since the last time I saw you!" I told Ivan as soon as he got out of his car and walked towards my flat. I knew Ivan when I was a lecturer at Aberdeen. He was then a PhD student, working on a topic, that I once claimed to be quite "girlie"! I think it is a topic about "management and culture in an off-shore based oil refinery firm based in the Middle East". He didn't stay behind to attend the graduation because his PhD studies experiences was too painful. It didn't give him good memories and he didn't see it meaningful to attend the graduation. He quickly moved down to London after he finished the PhD as he found a job in a construction firm (I think), as a safety officer. Ivan's parents are from Afghanistan and Cyprus. No one can be more exotic than that, and indeed with his dark skins and hairs and his high cheek bone, sometimes he looks like an ancient Greek God. Ivan is very funny, but he is also a good friend. He can be very honest with you and can be constructive as well, with good intention and not mean harm.

Ivan visited Leicester on some business meeting, and he must hit the road around 5.30 pm, before the traffic flow flooded the road, so we only took a walk round town and have a chat along the way, not very long, but we updated a bit of each other life and share our thoughts. Ivan and I earn about the same amount of income, reasonably fine, enough to pay the bill, but as Ivan so rightly said, he is in London, but I am not, so cost of living differs and has an impact. Also, Ivan told me about the nature of his job, that he needed to run about the site, inspecting work project, so I got a feeling about how he works like. I honestly told him, I think my situation is better, at least my time is flexible and  you don't feel people are watching you, as long as you do your job (i.e., mainly about research).

Ivan asked about my social life, etc, whether I went pub, clubbing, which I recalled I have been out with Ivan  once or twice having a good times while at Aberdeen. I told Ivan Loughborough is a "ghost" town, with very little to do,so he should know what to expect and we burst out laughing as we walked back towards my flat. And then he said, "I understand you are doing mediation, but your flat is your home and your body and soul, get a few pieces of furniture, small portable one, it will feel different, though I think the flat has a good layout!". How nice of him to point that out. I really, really think Ivan put himself in my shoe when he said that. I appreciate it, though it is up to me to decide what I want to do with my flat.

As I bid him farewell, I asked him to send my regards to his wife. Knowing me and my lazy style, I really don't know when I will visit London. But, for me, it is really thankful to have a friend visiting. It adds a little something to my daily routine. It felt alive living in this town, which I am slowly learning to explore and expand my scope of activities outside my work life.

How to read a novel

"....like reading a person..."

I have decided that reading novel has a different meaning to me. It felt like getting to know someone from the beginning up till the end, and this someone gives you his or her trust in you, and willing to share everything. Reading a novel really feel like getting to know a friend. You may say finishing a good book is like losing  a good friend, but then this means you start looking for another "good friend", and this goes on, at the end of it, u r looking for "someone" that feels and thinks the same way as you,and to be related to them in some ways.

I want to reference a book I read recently, "nothing to lose",which states that "...life has no narrative, it is random and inexplicable and formless, and that's why people want to believe in something, because it makes the unbearable meaninglessness of it explicable. Fiction does that: it soothes a deep searching part of you, because you can take the chaos of the world and give it shape, give it sense." This sums up nicely as to why I can feel "related" to the story I read. 

"Nothing to lose" is a story about Maude, a ghost-writer facing her guilt and regrets over the death of a young boy caused by a car accident involving her, given that she was not charged for that act, as approved  by the court. You can imagine how one could be engulf by such thoughts and almost breakdown a normal way of living one's life, until one day, a stranger's knock on the door and an unlikely escape to Scotland begins to convince her that, almost in spite of herself, that she may have something to lose. To keep this short and not to give too much away, it's a story with a happy ending.

In "nothing to lose", the superb writing style of the author is able to let me find traces of me in it, especially when facing one's fear, one's guilt, the power of the "narratives", it makes sense and it shapes up things, it helps me see the source of all the problems and then see how to go forward from there. The ending though is a happy one, does not often mirror how it looks like in real life. But then life does not stop there but in novel, in movies, it stops. That is the point where you "lost" a good friend. The important thing, however, lies in how the good friend get to that state. It's the direction, it's the journey the good friends take. The ending or rather the final destination, may not be as perfect as those in real life, but we are our own writer/director in the reality and only we know what makes us happy. The novel or movie only gives as an ideal and perhaps that is good enough as a source of "hope", all else, it's up to us to write our own "happy ending".

Does honesty has a price to pay?

"... even if it does, the returns will come its way in the future.... "

It's strange sometimes when a similar idea was mentioned by two different co-authors, and when you are involved in the research with both these co-authors, you should really worry about conflict of interest issues. Following the acceptance of our paper, JL started to develop a new idea and was thinking about combining  DEA with SFA based on the improvised DEA model we developed. Actually BB also thought about that, and had been talking about this with me after his presentation two months ago. I was in a dilemma. Surely, I cannot write two identical papers separately with two coauthors! It does not benefit anyone.

Well, what to do then. I thought the best policy was to inform both parties and tell them about it, and I did that. I told both of them, I would rather lose a research idea than to lose a friend. One possibility is that one party might have to sacrifice the idea and do something else, so I might end up losing out on a collabrative work project. However, if I don't mention now and in due course if it happen there is a huge overlap, it will affect the margin of contribution and the possibility of getting the work published.  It will not be fair to both parties for the effort they invest in.  However, I am thankful to my wonderful colleagues who so generously include me in their area of research work. I learnt a lot from these brainy people. BB is a pure statistician and JL is a mathematician. BB who is also my current colleague, who even go to the extent to co-supervise PhD student with me, allowing me to learn about the trade on the job.

BB and JL both help support the approach I took in developing my interest in researching hedge funds performance. Therefore, I cannot expect and enforce on them the way I want things to happen on my term. That was why I was saying I rather lose a research idea than a good friend because they really mean a lot to me, so I really don't mind if I have to be honest, I will still be honest. Not sure if there is a price, but one thing for sure, the returns will come its way in the future, making the collaborative work relationship more fulfilling and fruitful

When one understands

  "... there is clarity.."

J-Lu caught me on Friday in the first floor kitchen and then asked me, "Kai, so do I have to defend myself next Friday in the panel meeting." I answered, "well, put it that way, there is no right or wrong here, as long as you are clear in the thing you explained, it should be fine. At this stage, you need to know the big direction, explaining each step of the way, how you want to go about addressing the research issue, it should be fine." J-Lu is my PhD student going to have her first year review meeting next Friday. As expected, she is nervous, but BB (my colleague who co-supervise her with me) and I think she is fine. She only need a bit of confidence.

Clarity in argument is one important key in research, rather than right or wrong. When one is clear, one knows what one is doing, the short-coming, one knows what is there, what is not there, and can express (presenting or writing it out)  it well and tell everyone. More importantly, one simply understands. When one is clear, he is not biased by the right or wrong of the argument or the matter, he is calm and peaceful because he is clear. This becomes convincing for the listeners or readers because everything about the speaker or the writer becomes so effortless, making the presentation or the written piece of work an enjoyment to be engaged in.

There are only so many things in life that one can classify as right or wrong, like we all know robbery is wrong, killing people is wrong and stealing is wrong. If everything is that clear-cut, living will be so easy and also quite boring. Some may be restricted by the thought of religious belief and practices to classify what is right or wrong. It is often a lot harder to deal with the matter of "right" and "wrong" the older we get as we are "on our own", unlike while young, where our parents and teacher still represent the "authority".

The important question remains: are we clear about the reason and rationale (not the same as rationalizing) behind for living life the way we want it and want to (not the same as classifying it "right" or "wrong")? The next question is, are you feeling at ease with yourselves, whatever situation and however you are living your "chosen" life, if so, perhaps you are clear about the situation and can present to others a sense of ease and effortlessness. Clarity and awareness of any situation is the first step, knowing what's there and not there help you move forward more constructively in life. It is not often easy, however, thinking and working on this often will help us sort our mind out gradually and help us see the light, one way or another.

Time waits for no men

"I guess we only have "this much" time left (whatever is your age) for us to do something in our life....."

It looks like this is going to be another working weekend. I had set up a rule such that, I allow myself to work late in the week, but not to work too often on the weekend. As our profession is fairly flexible, working from home/office is really up to one's choice, it is inevitable that you may end up having to work on the weekend. I left my office today about 8 pm, so this is a fairly hectic day filled mostly with research related work. Therefore, today is really one of those that I had expected. What, however, need to be completed over the weekend are the resit exam marking and working on the next almost completed  research paper with JL. More importantly I must make a decision by Monday whether I am taking up my second PhD student, after having interviewed him today.

Strictly speaking, I won't say I am stressed. As far as it is about research, you do find that it is something counts towards the added value to your CV. I guess at times perhaps I may be taking too much. In fact, I only slept for 4 hours consecutively for 3 days last week. And when I woke up in the middle of the nights, I was thinking about some problem with a certain research I was doing. Funnily enough, I found the answer myself in those weird hours of the day. You may say I am productive, but I could do a bit better with being focused. Being focused means you do thing one at a time, and concentrate on it, and not being distracted, as you will lose the fun of it. So, when you sleep you sleep, when you are awake, you work, you relax, you just don't go to bed unnecessarily.

I think I just cannot help it, all the research that I was doing float in my head almost 24/7. While I don't think I want to fight this, I do admit a short break somewhere nearby will be helpful. I guess we only have "this much" time left (whatever is your age) for us to do something in our life while we still can. There are times where we should really take things one at a time. There are other times we really need to be reminded that, time indeed waits for no men. So, make the most of it, do the best you can, while you still can and then you can have the last laugh later. That would be great, won't it? Maybe you can tell me :D