A Tribute to Mr Lee Kuan Yew

"....... he captured attention because he has the ability to speak as if he was personally talking to you..."

It has been a few days since the Founding Father of the Republic of Singapore, Mr Lee Kuan Yew, passed away. The whole of Singapore has been seen mourning in all sort of ways, in particular, visiting the Parliment building to pay Mr Lee a last visit.  I am not very demonstrative person by nature, but reading about news and posts and tributes contributed by friends online, I do feel a sense of lost and sadness inside me. However, the best way I think to pay tribute to someone who has passed away, is to remember the good of the person and to think about how it could have an impact on you and would affect you in a positive way.

On a personal level, I could feel deeply the impact of Mr Lee's leadership quality demonstrated largely by the way he communicated with people. When Mr Lee gave his speech, he captured attention because he has the ability to speak as if he was personally talking to you. Mr Lee has this ability and charisma to appeal to the general public on a personal level when he was speaking. I always remember that when I am giving my lecture to large group of students in front of me, that it is a skill to learn to speak and deliver speech with a personal touch that appeals significantly to large audience, on a personal level to each and everyone attending my lecture. On a different level, the fact that Mr Lee pushed Singapore towards international competition, with an aim to be made known globally for trades and others (largely for survival) and then by having English Language as the first language benefited so many that were borne in my generation. I was borne only 5 years after Singapore gained Independence. Having this language skills and abilities open doors for my subsequent career in my later life and more so when I then decided to seek advancement aboard.

It is no surprise why foreign countries such as New Zealand are having their flags lowered half-mast on 29th March 2015, to mark the funeral of the late Mr Lee Kuan Yew. Indeed, in the eyes of the Western world, it is a "miracle" that Mr Lee's formula and model survives and bring prosperity to a small nation. Who can blame the West for thinking so, it was then been based on their formula anyway. Therefore, more so, their value and belief should work to bring miracle (as defined by the West) for economic survival. The fact that even Bill Clinton (with his U.S. Delegation) had planned to come to Lee Kuan Yew Funeral says something, that some Western leaders are convinced and bought into Mr Lee's idea of the model to grow an economy into prosperity .

Mr Lee's style however is not without criticism. One of the most commonly mentioned issue is the freedom of speech that was seen absence or not as well practiced in the media. This is interesting, because to quite an extent, this has affected the way people share and express their views on the media platform. Having said that, freedom of speech, however, is also not without its problem. The recent shooting of Charlie Hebdo arising from some humorous posts published, which some saw as "offensive" and hence provoking anger, had given the West something to (re)think about the serious implication of "free speech". It makes one wonder is there anything "free" here or are there unknown underlying prices that are to be paid. However, the recent opening of social medium outlets such as facebook and others had given Singaporeans a good platform to practice "free speech". However, sometimes this turns out to be an outlet for people to voice their angers as well, which is very unhealthy. In a country where free speech is not quite practice in the mainstream media (yet!), I suddenly recalled listening and hearing to Mr Lee's speech, sometimes it makes me think, what is important when you express your view, perhaps what is important when you speak, speak truthfully (rather than "freely") because your utimately aim is to convince others, and even to the extent of winning others to believing your vision into building a nation. He may be regarded as someone who is good in marketing, but marketing a vision to build a nation? You cannot NOT give that a second thought about what's additional skill and talent that involve! That is the spirit of Mr Lee, something that I will remember in me for a very long time, however the future may be. To me, it is already a blessing to be borne during his time, simply for what he had done for my generation.

Rest in Peace, Mr Lee!

Losing my "mind"

"... and my 'reflection' finds it back"

"Sitting still and do nothing" (i.e., meditation) for 25 to 40 minutes a day helps me to re-charge. It helps me practice 'awareness', and enable me to take 'precaution' or 'preempt' it to prevent it from affecting me. I had a few challenges last few days and dealing with them helped me gain new insights into what other effect 'meditation' could have.

Last Friday was one of those few days that I worked till quite late in my office. It was until about 7.30 pm that I left my office, after realising all my days' hard work to install CPLEX on the Linux OS still didn't work out quite well. It certainly didn't feel like a productive day. That night, I still tried and do a bit of meditation, though it was cut short to only 10 minutes, since it was late and I don't like to have my dinner too late. Anyway, I didn't feel my level of concentration was good, though it didn't affect me to large extent, I kind of feel 'something not right' throughout my meditation

On Saturday, i.e., the following day, I still felt I could 'do better' in term of the focus of my mind. Saturday should not be considered as a 'bad' day because I was getting on with my other research and it actually made progress. In addition, the weather was good. Saturday was a bright sunny day, and the more I should feel 'brighten up', but I didn't. After some reflections, I conclude that I was perhaps still held 'in the past' on my Friday's work commitment to the software installation, which failed. I was 'held back' to the extent I still hung myself in that and not moving, though not necessarily mean I would be stressed up. It is just that I had not 'let go' of it. My mind was as if in a 'stagnant' state. Other than that, constantly replying and looking out for students' emails during this period, arising from the examination, also put me off thinking in term of 'living the present moment'. This was because I was at times shocked and angry with students' excessive demand of what they want from me. And that didn't help.

As I began to see what's holding me back, I began to see that I should learn to 'let it go'. I guess I missed out one important step when dealing with myself over the matter, and that is 'acceptance'. My theory is that, due to the lack of 'awareness', I failed to see 'what's missing' and acknowledgement and acceptance were being pushed out of the way. As I began to "see" this in my meditation today, I then slowly channel my thoughts and focus onto the present moment. For example, feeling the joys (at least inner joy) of the good weather and involvement of housework routine, which are all good experiences. I learnt that if my head is occupied with something, I would immediately lose touch with my surrounding, and is even harder when I subconsciously occupied with things that was not to my knowledge. Therefore, constant reflection in daily life does serve some good purpose. And this has worked well for me today! :D

Making sense of 'Positive Thinking"

"As human, how fragile and yet resilient we all are..."

A chat with my research student brightened my mind the other day, as I began to make sense of the rationale of 'Positive Thinking'. It could be all explained using Logical thinking and the principal of mutually exclusivity. 

If you see the future is made up of many possibilities, then here we are now/at present moment is just one of the many possibilities that took place in our life from the past. Put it simply, it is by chance where we ended up at the present moment, even if we had tried very hard to reach the point of where we are now, you cannot deny each and every step you took since you were borne cannot all be explained simply by your 'effort". For example, the fact you are borne to be a certain race is definitely by chance, not choice. If you can appreciate that, then it become easier to proceed.

If whatever that happened to us was by chance, then the happening of one event would exclude the happening of another. It is reasonable and realistic to assume that there bounds to be in most cases two likely outcomes, the positive and the negative ones. It is, however hard to value or weigh the negatives and the positives. Human tolerance may help weigh negative outcome and made things easier. Tolerance levels, however, differ from people to people

Therefore, since we have no choice about possibilities in our life that could take place and if it looks like things most of the times happened by chance, and more importantly there would definitely be good and bad outcomes of all possibilities, so isn't it better to be positive? To me that makes sense. Looking at the bigger picture, if you reflect upon your life since you were borne, you would realize as humans, how fragile and yet resilient we all can be. So, just be positive! :D

Comfort Zone is not that bad

"There is light in the comfort zone. There is life there. Stay and enjoy."

Recently there is a nice little video that I kept seeing friends sharing on fb. It is called 'it depends on what you believe'. It's about the process of having a dream and the barriers underlying it, which the narrator broke it down into the panic, comfort and the learning zones. It aims to tell people why sometimes "moving forward" seems so difficult. I then reflected upon my achievement so far in this life and asked if I ever was trapped in those zones. I guess perhaps I had, but it seems not in that linear order.

The most appropriate that relate to my 'dream' should be how I got out of Singapore more than 10 years ago. I, however, cannot say that is my 'dream' or there is a known 'zone' I was trapped in, comfort or learning zone. Obviously like all young people in their early twenties, just out of the University, you have dreams, you want to achieve so much in such a short period of time. And yes, what's the past that others expect of you or what they suggested to you affected your perception of a 'dream' to chase after. I guess I was quite affected by what one of my closest Uncle always believe, to excel in a job/career in "marketing". I was always aware that I was under the 'influence' (which not necessarily a bad thing, it could be a "good" guide) but on the other hand, on the look out to 'take control', so as to do things that is truly from my perspective. Being younger at the time, what actually move me forward is the fearless sense of 'I can always start all over'.

In my earlier years of struggle to make a career in Singapore, which is almost similar to this case, except that I didn't get myself into depression, perhaps I understand the value of knowing people. I guess it is hard not for people to attach any motive behind for knowing important people in their life. That is because that seems to be the 'short cut' to luck if the 'right' people turn up. To make it short, I did had my 'opportunity' knocking my door because I knew some 'right' people, though that was not the outcome I had expected. Perhaps it's the personalities, how you relate to people bring you some good vibes which could dynamically transform into all sort of possibilities, and yes, my personalities also expose me to both 'good' and 'bad' people, which I had learned about only after a few years, still I am thankful for the 'good' people I met along the way.

Sometimes, no matter how hard one try to make things happen and if they had not, we should ask ourselves honestly if some changes are necessary. If so, how fast such changes should come. Perhaps we may be so accustomed to the 'status quo' that we won't want to have any changes, which is what the video labelled as 'comfort' zone. I actually strongly think we can still see 'light' at the end of the tunnel in the comfort zone and live with it, as long as we know what we want and what to expect (expect the "realistic things" of course).

"Reaching out to your dream" means different things, in different stages in our life. There is no need to think "too big" especially if you are in the earlier stage of your career. Just do ONE THING, do it well and you know where it leads you to. Simply because you need a process experiencing your true competence. For me, I didn't have much experience finding a role or career that allow my competence to show fully in my earlier years, and I had then become experimental, aiming to locate where my strength lie. Having that in mind, you would find your strength one day and a job that suit you and then you  started to think about your dream. In the current stage of my life, having been through all that, "dream" is still relevant, but comfort zone seems more valuable. I am more than happy to just stay it this way for very long time because I simply enjoy it. Being there, done that, bought the T-shirt, like they all said.

Happiness and Luck

"Can you trade happiness for luck?"

Researchers never stop their quest on humans reasons for happiness. And the latest findings appear to, shockingly, claim that "Happiness is thinking you’re getting luckier than your friends." Some claimed that such happiness that derived by 'comparing with others', is going to cause unhappiness. The research findings didn't reveal how people would react if they know their peers are 'luckier' than they themselves. Will that make them unhappy?

Actually, It's quite natural for humans to compare with others. We always like to think of ourselves a little better than others, even in actual fact, it is not the case. It's the little thing that make us feel a bit better, and it is a 'good feeling'. I guess it is no harm having a bit of 'stroke' on our ego at times, as long as it is not harming others. Obviously, it is quite likely that, if we are not careful, we may lose our composure and over-reacted to the fact that we are a lot better and luckier than our friends, and that won't be in our favour, especially if we lost ourselves in front of our friend.

Reading the findings make me think once again about the nature of happiness, which in my opinion, should come from within. The appreciation, understanding and accepting of oneself. There is calm, peace and then happiness will eventually emerge. I would call this type of happiness comes with an underlying sense of purity. While feeling happy out of comparison with others, is out of the fact that our ego is being 'stroked'. I think both type of happiness are entirely different, but they do genuinely serve some good purposes.

Quality of life?

 "perhaps whatever that helps you to plan?"

Recently in Singapore, the government tried out a new way to ease crowds during peak hours for its MRT (underground) network. by granting free access to the network, for those travelling before 7.45 am on the weekday, and not applicable on weekend. I am expecting this to attract huge 'mad rush' given that it is not often that things are 'free' and even more so in Singapore. The follow-up question is, if you arrived the office so early, what would you do? Some say it might end up working for longer hours, while others start doing planning for their days if they were to arrive early in office.

A few friends have been commenting that it is hard to say if Singapore has any sense of work-life balance at all. The working hours are rigid, rules are strict on staff flexibility with office hours. Perhaps that is an issue about 'value' and 'work ethnics'. One other friend in the past asked me how the UK survive if most of their shops close at 6 pm everyday? Interestingly, it happened and they have no problem with it. I guess gone are the days where the old Asian-type value about 'working hard' dominate what most would think as the determinant of success factor for an economy. There are always more than one way of doing the same things, and more so when considering different cultural backgrounds.

I only feel lucky with my situation in the UK, simply the fact that, I enjoy a healthy work-life balance, I am allowed to work from home and my boss would not doubt about 'what I do' at home. In fact, I choose my office hours, and can flexibly start my day, as long as I fulfilled my duty of 'teaching' and 'attending meetings'. Obviously, politics and others prevail (it is human that we are working with, right?), but there's another matter.

I am happy with the MRT service in Singapore despite previous episodes of delay and seems even more so increasingly. The only thing I complain is the lack of a day-ticket system (which can be understood as it would be costly and given the size of the population and the crowds, that perhaps won't be enough to make up for the loss of revenue from the day-ticket type scheme, which prevails in many cities already, such as London). Anyway, this inevitably affects plan and of course my 'work-life balance' each time I visit Singapore for short stay. But, there you go!

What makes a GREAT friendship?!

"There is a gentlemanly respect and tolerance between us, building on the mutual understandings accumulated over the years."

It's that time of the year where I should be planning for my trip home and getting in at the right time to book good bargain-hunting air-ticket. I inevitably think of my best friend in Singapore, FT. A colleague once said, as the more years you lived, the more you know it is impossible to establish new and lasting friendship with people you just knew, unless it's work or other social occasions, religiously related, family-related, etc. Anyway, this does not bother me very much, I count quality more important than quantity, and yes, less is more. I must have known FT for almost 20 years now. I knew him during my University day. As far as I can remember, that was towards the end of the final year, that I get closer to him, in term of talking about the future after University, etc. As we chat a bit more, I get to know more of FT. He seemed at times "let down" by friends by their seemingly mockery comments and that upset him. I thought perhaps he was quite sensitive, or perhaps his friends could have care a bit more about his feelings. I, however, can tell FT could be a little direct sometimes, but he means no harms and can be quite honest and willing to share his opinions. Once, seeing him again upset by his bunch of other friends again, I told him he can choose his friends no problem (not to imply that he should dump his other friends), just get on with it. I am not sure if it is because of that, our friendship gets better from then on.

It was FT who initially suggested that me and him to go sourcing for Overseas University Masters degree programs based in Singapore and to choose suitable one for us to help advance our career, as it seemed me and him also have a bit of problem on career progress at that time, when we are still at  early stage of working life. As it happens, things leading from one to another, I finally decided that I came to the UK to pursue my MBA in Leeds (rather than doing the distance program in Singapore). FT was not as lucky as me (as I got some financial loans from a good friend), so he didn't to follow me to come to the UK. However, I was not as lucky later as it turns out, since following my MBA completed in 1998, it was Asia Financial Crisis at its worst! I stayed behind to pursue my PhD until I completed it and started a full time academic career about 5 years ago.

FT, however, carried on with his life in Singapore, making every conscious effort to transform his career in the banking sector, as he was a civil servant initially for about 3 years. We kept in touch during my time in the UK, often using MSN to chat and communicate about just anything under the sun. FT later came to Nottingham University to do his MBA. We did visited each other as I was in Edinburgh at that time. After he returned to Singapore, his career progressed every well and I was really happy for him, working from bank to bank, with this role expanding from one to another, showing his increasingly important profile at work. He is currently heading a risk division in one foreign bank based in Singapore. He shared with me his experience on this latest role at work, not hiding from me that, behind all glamorous title holders in a bank, there is a always a dark (i.e., political) side, which I am sure, given his years of experiences, he will handle it well.

Thinking again about this friendship with FT and what makes it great (at least in my opinion, it is!), is that, I think we don't really have any expectation of each other. There is a gentlemanly respect and tolerance between us, that is built on the mutual understandings accumulated over the years. I remember when I visited him at Nottingham, he let me sleep on his bed, while he slept on the floor. In the morning, he tried to make scramble eggs for me, it didn't succeed, and we had a laugh. I still ate some of it. It's the thought that counts, and I appreciated a lot. Now each time when I was about to return back to UK, at the end of my holiday trip in Singapore, he would try to come to the airport to send me off, though sometimes he didn't make it, I still appreciated his thought.

I will always be thankful to FT, because without him, I probably won't see the importance of furthering my education. I probably would still be Singapore at this time and not even sure of my career progress. If FT gets closer to me, because I told him that he has to choose his friend, then I think I am very lucky. I like to think that he had chosen me as his friend. I am lucky. :D

Foothold

When I was not communicating with my inner world, I found myself losing on my foothold. No mater how well I deal with the outside world, "something" remains missing and it seems that the wider the gap expands, the more stress it adds on. However, the process of filling that gap is an interesting one and worth the effort to find that out.

I continue looking for the "flow" in my daily life, which is quite a challenge to do so in the first semester of the University's calender, as I came to realise that, the relatively heavier workload for this semester actually is the source that distort that "flow", so I must get that back. A little rule that I used to restore the flow is to make sure, amidst the busy schedules at work, I made sure I fulfil all of them in satisfying fashion of an acceptable quality based on my own standard.

Today, an incident while swimming reinforce the importance of 'communicating with my inner world' in me. Lately, swimming didn't feel quite well 'flown'. I had a bit of a "bad back" and that hurts when you try to catch the breath to float when you swam. I sorted that out a while back, by going back to my basic mediation technique, focusing on my breathing. Today's incident was a different one because I no longer has the 'bad back' problem. It was, however, I rushed to swim fast, and that lost all the fun for me, and more so when there was also another swimmer in the lane, and that urge me more. As I didn't quite feel my momentum like in my usual swim, I was urgent to want to move quick and it didn't work.

Then, I started to focus on my speed and pace and forgot about the other swimmer. As I found my "comfort zone", which was me swimming slower than normal, I stick to it. I go with the flow and let myself go slow, and when later it became clear that should be my foothold, I gripped it hard and I was in control, I began to swim in an acceptable pace, which gradually became faster and faster. I was amazed by this rather unique "self-discovery" experience which was a bit of a personal growth for me, and should have an impact on me, whenever I  looked into myself in my 'inner world', looking for that much needed foothold.

Silent Stress

Smooth and clean breathing drains out all the stress, little by little....

I didn't feel "quite well" for a while since the first semester began beginning of October. We all have what we meant by 'don't feel quite well'. For me, "not feeling well" is when I sense 'things don't flow'. When things flow, I feel good. For things to flow, I have to feel the 'good flow' mainly from the 'quality of the breathing'. This then brought me good vibes, which could easily feel and connect to it because it will be all around you in the air.

I came to the knowledge I was "under stress" after my chat with Kim, a student who came to see me during the 'meet the tutees' week. Kim is a Spanish student from Gibraltar, which happen still to be a British Colony. Kim rejoined Loughborough from Newcastle University. She told me she loved sport and wanted a different university's experience. I began to find Kim engaging, perhaps because of her interesting background. She grew up in a British Colony and being a foreigner, travelling this far, she would have to be even more adaptable than other students from the home country. When Kim told me she would be representing the university in the cross-country competition and would be training quite regularly. I cannot agree more. I told her constant training is not only good for the practise, but help her to become more organised. She can, for example, plan for her studies surrounding with her training schedules, so that she would have her studies in place.

I shared with her about the focus of exercise I did in my daily life. The importance of it lies in the fact that constant daily exercises, walking, swimming, etc, are like built-in stabiliser because this help drains out unnecessary stress in daily life. When I shared with her about that, and then when later I thought back, I actually found myself under stress, but not to my knowledge. How ironical is that! What an interesting way to find out that I am under stress. Stress is so silent! It didn't speak a word and it is creepy! I then realized, when I am under stress, the quality of breathing can't even be made better while swimming. It seems that smooth and clean breathing is a channel to drain out all the stress.

The breath in and breath out process eases some built-in stresses and help clear the mind to make it focused. It is also quite likely that when one was under stress, it lost out on its focus and it felt like 'all over the place' for most things and this only add-on to more stress. Surely, we cannot expect life to be a smooth sailing voyage. Ups and downs in life are good, as it gives us opportunity to re-charge, which helped us to become better and stronger and keeping up with life's frequently changing momentum.

Experimenting 'Less is more"

"Feel it. Experiment it. internalized it."

The following poem written by Leon Basin, was titled as 'Life with Tao and Zen"

Fight without fighting
Learn without learning
Experience with the experience
Worth trying
Worth feeling
Worth denying
And worth killin’
Ego that binds us
Do not erase it
Hold it from overtaking you
Simplicity of no words can describe on how to go about it...

I like this poem because in a similar way, it seems to be what 'less is more' is meant to be. i.e., without doing 'too much'. The use of words, "fight" versus "fighting"; "learn" versus "learning". The continuous tenses of those words appear to imply a sense of actions or activities, which is unnecessary because fighting and learning happen all the times in us. It just happens and it is the way it is.

Ego forms the source of all the "actions". The truth is, there needs not be any 'action" and also no need to erase the existence of those 'actions'. It would be just enough to simply 'hold it' and not being taken over by it. We just need to practice some awareness

And yes, we can try feeling, denying or even doing all we can to kill the egos, but we cannot 'forget' it or erase it because it is there. I think, like water, ego in us should flow, that is why it is still worth trying or be experimental about it to feel it for yourselves, that way you could make it useful/constructive for you. Have fun!

The last weekend

"How much is the price of jealousy....."

I just finished watching ITV's 3-part drama, "The Last Weekend" by Blake Morrison. I had read the novel and obviously not knowing who Mr Blake was prior to that and then realized some of his novels were made into TV drama. "The Last Weekend" is classified as a psychological thriller. These days, whenever you see 'thriller' as a genre in book or in movie, it normally cannot get away dealing with death, fight or killing. Indeed, the story involved all that.

"The Last Weekend" is set in a rather nice gathering of two couples in a country-house over a bank holiday weekend. It brought out the characters of Ian and Ollie, where their "rivalry" slowly uncovered, which dated back to their school's days. Some reviews of Blake Morrison's novel have been about his clever design on the use of an unreliable narrator to connect and tell the story to the reader. Traditionally, it is in the habit of the reader to believe whatever the narrator said and the messages he tried to convey, but not for this one. In the novel, Ian is the unreliable narrator. You slowly realised, some of the events were not as what it seemed on the surface and certainly Ian himself is the source of the problem, rather than others where he put the blame on. The drama put the setting in the same place, in a rather unusual style, it also continues with Ian as the narrator, connecting the events and the storyline. At times, it felt like a docu-drama, but later it began to make sense towards the end, in that, he is all the while in his own defend of what happened subsequently to Ollie and his wife.

Ian might appear like a nutter, but I have sympathy for him. The reader and the audience won't be able to know how much of the events and the people he described are truly the way they are, because they were all seen through his eyes and he could be biased. Even so, it is clear that he was still very much in love with Ollie's wife, Daisy, in which he claimed he had known her first before Ollie. In the story, we can also see Ian and his Emily are both of a lower social class than Ollie and Daisy. It is interesting and not sure if this is the idea that the author is trying to convey that much of the 'jealosy' of Ian about Ollie is due to these two reasons. To be fair, being human, we are able to feel either envious or jealous about people. It's how we deal with it that matters. The story built on Ian's jealousy of Ollie as the main storyline. His obsession with Daisy as another. The weekend, which is the last the two couples spent together, is where Ian's jealousy grew to the utmost and leads to undesirable consequence which in the end, lose him Ollie, Daisy and his wife, Emily.

Taking a step back, if we were to 'simulate' the lifestyle of Ian. This means, taking a different look at Ian and his likely lifestyle. Ian could be quite a decent bloke. It is only his 'darkside' that needs managing. If I were Ian, I would be more aware of that and I would move away from it because I know that won't be nice and would affect people. This means I will see less of Ollie and his wife or try not getting 'too involved'. Yes, it will be hard on the friendship, but we do made choices in life, don't we? I often like to see the way forward as best as possible. If any drama or novel that could be "educational" as well as "entertaining", it would serve useful purpose. The novel, being a novel, seems to have portrayed other characters to be "overly nice". But in real life, they need not be because some inappropriate sexual gesture of Ian on Daisy, which started off quite early on, should have been violently stopped, but it didn't. Therefore, perhaps the story is also helping the readers/audiences to be aware about people like that around, and to avoid them as much as possible.This may be a minor point, but I still think is important.

Deep, Deeper and Deeper Still

 ".. Meditation slows down your thoughts..."

Not all admit that we do have a 'darkside' in us. I would have thought this should not affect anyone too much. It is only the 'quality' of life that would have an impact. It's whether we want to face it.

Since buying the desktop PC, some traces of thoughts seem to have left in my head, and keep holding me back to re-evaluate this purchase decision. It probably related to the issue of 'value' of the product underlying the price, etc. It's in my sub-consciousness to the extent I cannot get rid of. This purchase experience leads me to believe that what I perceived before and after about my purchase decision should remain consistent. This purchase experience has also helped me understand myself more. I don't want life to be too complicated, that includes technology, which may explain my phobia towards it. Perhaps contentment is built on having things 'just about right', and not being overly 'obsessive', that way we remain as 'ourselves' rather than 'losing' it. Perhaps I just lost myself in my pursue of the 'quality' of PC I was after, which could end up me looking for something more than I need and then overpaid it. This is perhaps someone who prefer or promote a 'minimalist' style of life should avoid? The purchase of this PC gives new insights about my desire on other possible things in my life I am after, and should help with managing expectation in the future.

I want to end my 'attachment' to the thought of this Desktop PC, but how best should I end such thoughts (wasteful thoughts, perhaps?). Today I found an answer. I attended the BK meditation workshop on 'Deep, Deeper and Deeper Still". It discussed few aspects of meditation to help deepen the experience. Some rather insightful messages were conveyed. I especially related to the idea on "acceptance, experience and being' as the three levels of sub-conscious minds likely to take place in us in our daily life. Using the Desktop PC as an example, then I suppose I have now accepted that I perhaps might have overlooked the issue of "quality" in the purchasing process, which should then be something I must remember next time if I were to make similar decision. It reminded me each time my mind rehearse the few events where I had experienced that when thinking to buy the Desktop PC. Now as I began to accept this, it becomes part of me. It is being part of me.

As I dwelt on this a bit deeper, I would imagine meditation could have helped in the process. Meditation slows things down. My buying decision was urgent because my then laptop was broken and I wanted to get a new one quickly. It is true that I can afford to buy it, but still coming to the issue of 'value', now that I think of it, it still needs some consideration. Now that this has happened, I could not turn back the clock, but I should look at the positive side of the Desktop PC. My sub-conscious mind needs to get rid of the 'negative' thinking attached to the PC. Just like what was said during the workshop, "A glass of water, no matter how light, is not the weight, but how long you hold on to it that matters". Indeed, our energy needs to be channelled in the best possible way to help us to feel light and free anytime, in order for us to fight the our inner 'demon'.

Sad Exercise

"You either find yourselves happy or sad by the way you are surrounded by people..."

JS holding his coffee mug with that broken handle, knocking on my office door and came in for a friendly chat. "So, what's up for the weekend?', asked JS. "Well, I probably will go for a swim later, it's my swim day'. I told JS. "Swimming feels like a sad exercise, doesn't it? It just you and you alone, and you can't get any interaction more than that." JS answered.

It's interesting how JS described swimming as a 'sad exercise'. I asked JS if he is a depressive person, which he answered not quite now compared to five years ago. I then told him that I found swimming to be 'reflective'. It helped me focus on my body movement and the use of my strength under water, which often didn't appear as 'straightforward' because each movement used up energy which required breathing in good timing, to help regained breathe for subsequent movement, which for me is 500 meters normally. This certainly means that you could strengthen you muscle through good breathing and body movement coordination. The strengthening of the abs muscle can be achieved by blowing out bubbles (really hard) coming out from that part of the lower body.

After my explanation, JS appeared to be convinced that swimming is not quite a 'sad exercise'. Perhaps being academics, it is only making sense that matter and so at the end of it, JS and I were quite happy that weekend is round the corner and then we bid each other farewell and wish for a good weekend to come.

You either find yourselves happy or sad by people you are surrounded by, either a lot of people, close family members or no one. Every interaction with people can bring joy or pain, even no interaction can do the same. However, every "interaction" (this may be your own thoughts or awareness of your thoughts and your surrounding) with your own self is not sad. Sad exercise (or even sad life)  involves one increasingly not found meaning in the exercise they engaged in (which will lead to failure in continuation after a while). In life, as you get fewer and fewer interactions with people, though this may act as a signal to tell you not to be too isolated and should really get out to see people, the important point is, either by choice or not by choice, there are ways to make good of this. And even when doing exercise, it could also bring you insight and knowledge not many would realise.

Draw, Dig and Daydream

"... are simply doing 'nothing'...."

Having bought my computer and setting it up successfully, I have now one task off the list and can focus on other aspect of my "work life balance" issue. I guess I still like being organised, though not necessarily implying to constantly check on the detailed bits and pieces, I do sort things out regularly to make sure I get a bit of control, just like you de-fragmentize your PC, you don't do it everyday, only at interval, to get rid of the 'clutters'.

Today, I cleared up my office desk as I just finished some collaborative research with my colleague. There were piles of papers everywhere, and I need to file them clearly to where they belong, by the topics they represent. I am in need of  space for other work. However, being organised can only help you this much, more importantly, as I move on to other research work, which normally is on a different topics of interest, the continuity of the work spirits needs to be there. As a result, I need to put in a bit more effort to get that 'work spirits' in place and hence, I find myself needing to do more to maintain the work momentum.

I had not been catching up with my favourite blog lists for a while. Today, a random browse brought my attention to "Permission to Putter", which is an article about 'doing nothing', with a different take. "Doing nothing" is a process, not quite a stage of being (since it is also doing, except, doing nothing) The article interestingly suggested some activities that can be engaged to help one 'do nothing'. To me, this is important, as I need to completely "get out of myself" before entering into an entirely different mind set to do research of a different topics. I needed the freshness to help drive inspirations, ideas and creativity. The article suggested draw, dig and daydream to be some of the activities. I can see how these are 'do nothing' activities. They can be carried out randomly and intuitively, rather than 'logically', that way, the mind can rest.

I hope tomorrow I will move nicely into my research with JL, following my updates today, but perhaps I should do 'nothing' first before I began doing those research?

What did I learn from my technology phobia?

"fear is not a fear when you began to make sense of it..."

My laptop of five years has recently gone to heaven. In the past two weeks or so, Obviously, the sensible way is for me to acquire a new computer. It actually took me quite considerable amount of time to decide what model to go for. The harder one was deciding whether to go for a laptop or a desktop PC. I realised I was so used to my 'comfort' zone that the question of 'what if' kept coming up. what if there is some unsolvable problem and especially after the period of warranty, I may have to bring the heavy desktop for repairs. How inconvenient will that be, which made me think perhaps having a laptop would be easier as it is lighter and can be brought anywhere I like. It was my colleague who suggested that a desktop would be more durable than a laptop, which convinced me I should really consider one. Furthermore, a widescreen PC monitor which can accommodate columns and columns of spreadsheets, will help in my research.That gave me another motivation to get a desktop, rather than a laptop, where the screen size is only as large as 17", but it could be about 24" for a desktop computer monitor.

So, I overcome my initial concerns supposedly. And then I kept sourcing for information, which I was so obsessed to want to be perfect. And indeed, I never failed to source for alternative options and compared them to find the best and to make sure I get the best. In a strange way, I have to thank my research skills, I find myself able to pick up information and digest them fairly quickly and of course also the efficient search engine, allowing me to find more information, such as what made a LED PC Screen good quality, apart from energy saving.

In the end, when all have been gathered and coming to decision time, it was hard. The fear of making regretful decision procrastinated my move. More importantly, I wanted to make sure I get my value worth for every penny I spent. In the end, I have to depend on my 13" screen alternative laptop every night while at home, and working at 1GB Ram, It was a real pain. Things didn't feel quite as consolidated and my mind was undecided on the BEST value deal. At times, I even thought about going back to buying a laptop as I was not sure if it would be a good move. There were so many things, the cable, the wiring, the quality of the monitor screen and the space available.

I find that, eventually when I had decided to stick to buying the desktop, the concerns were the same. It was still the widescreen and the durability. I will be paying almost the same price if I go for the laptop, which would not be as durable, and still the desktop has better-graded processor and RAM. Therefore, in the end, I go for the desktop. Clicking those buttons to process the order was another tough job. After that, I began to fear if I would break the PC monitor, not sure if they would be hard to set up, for I know if I bought a laptop, that would not be a problem. I was so afraid it would be a wrong decision. I was so anxious that I searched for the product manual and see it for myself how to set up the PC monitor, which I was then convinced that it would be fine.

Now as I typed this blog post on my new computer, I can say I have no regret with my choice. In fact, I even got an exchange from John Lewis because I told them the sound quality was not good for that earlier version of the HP desktop I bought, and I wanted to exchange to another cheaper HP desktop model, with a supposedly "preferred sound quality" (hehe!). In the end, it's a good deal. With a processor of intel i7-2640, running at 6GB RAM and a 23" IPS Panel LED PC monitor, that comes with 3 cable ports, and paying in total about £700 (after deducting vouchers and discounts), what can I still complain about, especially I also have two years guarantees for my desktop PC and five years warranty for the LED PC monitor.

So, what has "technology phobia" taught me? I think phobia surrounds each and every comfort zone that contains you. What let you out of there, is your visualisations of your phobia and your making sense of them. Researching information is mean to an end, aiming at making sense. And fear is no more a fear when you began to make sense of it. What's left is a bit of courage and belief in yourself to move just ONE more step to make THAT decision, bearing in mind that, though nothing would likely remain as perfect, it is only a matter of tolerance, which I hope I don't have to bear too soon.

My introverts Experience (3) (The End)

"..... It's the identity that gives introverts the source of strength to fulfil those dreams....."
 
"That woman is a bitch," said Nathaniel, who sat next to me in the plane. He was sharing with me about his family problem, detailing his parents divorced and falling apart, with his mother living with him and his father with the "bitch", It felt a bit different now that I am reasonably "qualified" to "guide" the youngster on similar family experience.  Nathaniel, who is only 20 year old, appeared quite open minded, however, and willing to share, perhaps due to his young age. I do enjoy my chat with him in this long journey. I saw that he was quite receptive and that made me open up to him about my similar ezperience. I told me that I had sought counselling help while I was 18 or 19 year old, and what's worse and hard to bear was for you to realise later in life that, things were a lot worse than originally thought to be. Understandably in situaitons like his or mine, it is easy to think that life coming to end too soon and hard to live. Yet, it should not stop one to puruse one's interests and why not. It is hard, especially if family problems become a potential distraction. I can see Nathaniel to be a potential introverts given that he shared a common interest with me, i.e., writting.

I can see that "writing" has served some useful purposes for him in helping him "describing his ownself". I added and I shared with him, how writing had helped me. It cleared my mind, It had helped me remove "chunks" of "thoughts" out of my "crowded mind" as I put down my thoughts in writing, which helps me see things in newer perspectives. More importanly, I stressed to him the importance of dream for someone with "dyfunctional family" upbringing. That is, it helped them find an identtity. If interruptions set in, like in his case or in mind, we found the "deviation" early on, and slowly we detached from the families and lost ourselves, It added to the vinuerability and potentially could turn us from bad to worse. If succeeding your dream is hard, then under situation like this, finding one's dream to pursue is even harder. Because you can't focus, you are too distracted. Like Nathaniel, he appeared like a talented young guy. He can write lyrics, poems, play guitars and even do consuelling for younger kids at school. However, he seems not sure which one to pursue in the long term. If one needs to fail, it's better early than later. Following your heart only meant you were honest and still not meant things would become easy. We always must give it some times for things to materialise and take shape. Thati s so much I can share with Nathaniel or implied to him.

I reflected upon what I said to Nathaniel and found that the greatest challenge for an introvert is in fact to find the identity. I felt weaker not having one, and more so coming from the family upbringing. I was forced to find my identity elsewhere. Perhaps not being a relative extrovert, where central focus of strength comes from people they actively engaged in, the "identity" or the "self-concept" becomes very important for an introvert and for it to be found. But, once this is found, there will be no going back, and everything that moved will be to the future, where the strength of the introvert will slowly emerge in the process of fulfiling those dreams.

My Introvert Experience (2)

Do you think you are more of an Introvert or Extrovert?
I think the relatively introvert or extrovert personalities could be nurtured. However, I guess there is a base for everyone, which then broadly defines one's extent of introversion or extroversion. The environmental factors then force one to act either inwardly or outwardly, and hence deepened or reinforced the existing effects. Then you may become more extrovert or more introvert. For me, I think I tend to be more introvert than extrovert.

How does that introversion developed over the year?
It all began in the family since young (and then perhaps that extend out later to social situation with friends at school, etc). The environment had a big impact on me. One distinctively different feature about an introvert is that, they "think then act or speak". I guess for me, I may have thought too deeply and too much, and I just could not speak or act appropriately, because those inputs that enter my thinking system confused me. For example, since young I have always confused why my mom kept asking me to ask my dad to give up his bad habits of drinking and gambling, because if that is the case, why my mom wanted to marry my father and what made her think that if she can't do that, me as a kid (8 or 9 year old then) would be able to do so. Family is an interesting situation to observe group dynamics and people interaction. I had tried playing roles of all and failed all of them, perhaps I had thought too much and hence often end up "acting" at the wrong time. In particular, I was not good at managing others' people anger. When two people fight, I found it so powerless to turn them around. My mom was angry with my dad because of his problem and my second brother always became angry after my mom was angry with my dad, because my second brother was sympathetic about my mom. I only had gently told him once, "don't get angry when mom is angry". I still didn't think he get it. Anyway, that's quite a typical introvert of me, think a lot, and then act or speak at the wrong time and perhaps using incorrect strategy.

If being introvert means "you think a lot", and looks like the family was quite a mess, were you depressed at all?
Now I think of it. It's true to some degrees that "thinking a lot" HURTS! This is because you didn't get a chance to let it out and you become so self-absorbed. One weakness of being an introvert is the inability to clear up conflict, given the bad experience with people who are mostly angry, it freak me even more thinking about clearing up conflict. I, however, don't think I was clinically depressed. I found a world of my own when I started to write. I picked up writing a diary at the age of 13. I found a place to express myself. I found an outlet. At times, I do found I was depressed but I soon "bound back". Being an introvert also helps me here because it helped me "detach" and learnt not to take things too hard or personally. This is because as I take a step back, I move back even more to be an introvert, and I began to feel a sense of peace and hence prevented me to be further affected by other people's (other family members) negative emotions. The fact I started to write diary helps me in a big way and give space to my thinking capacity and spaces. I don't think it is a strength issue that I am able to cope this, rather it is a coping technique (therefore this can be LEARNED, rather than STRENGTH which is like underlying in the personalities). Precaution is better than cure and that is why despite having a rather crowded mind at times, I never feel I was depressed or mentally ill at all.

Given a choice, do you like to be more of an introvert or extrovert?
I actually quite envy being an extrovert. They seem so fearless. I can easily spot a couple of colleagues who are of this type personalities and observing the way they talk and behave at meeting, I wish I could have some of their qualities. They are also often so fast, sharp and alert to react, and never fail to impress and with an air of effortlessness. While these are all true, but who knows yourselves better than you do. Over the years, as you learnt more about your weakness, strength. What you see and envied in others that are so-called extrovert qualities no longer becomes important. You accepted the ways you are and you are okay with it because you can equally achieve what the extrovert can achieve, with only just a little different in the impact and it does not matter because it is all about YOU. Therefore, I would be happy to be either, introvert or extrovert as both have their strengths. It is how to exploit them to bring out the BEST to serve your purpose in life.

My Introvert Experience (1)

".. these are just observed human behaviors, which can always be reclassified in different ways."

There is something that occupied my mind in the past few days and I found hard to make logical sense of it. It was an article about introverts that I read. I just could not make up if I were more introvert or extrovert. I seem to exhibit both signs at different occasions. I could, however, associate with quite a number of points raised by Ms Marti Laney on her blog on coping with being introverts. For example, I don't talk a lot during meeting at work, yet, I could not engage long term letter writing to large extent to keep a friendship (that explain why I could not make friend easily on facebook if I had not known them in person before) I need occasional meet ups to feel real, and this is quite an extrovert trait.

According to the book, The Introvert Advantage, only 25% of the people are introverts and if so, then that explain why there is always an interesting focus on this group of people, In fact, there is even a book about "The Introverted Leader", showing how much this group of people had intrigued both writer and readers leading to development of general interest.

It is interesting how the human mind process information and stimuli they received when they took in information. Being introverts or extroverts will process and took in information differently with different effects on them. I am thinking that we are all borne into a human body that has memories of its own, in which we have no choice, but we have control, control how we want to react and act upon. However,  introverts and extroverts are observations by Carl Jung about human behaviours. And human being is just too complex to have simply one way of classification. Therefore, if we relate all behaviours to the root, which should be the working of the mind, and where the maintenance of a peaceful mind could often be helpful (through meditation, for example) and can help one to be happy and build strong healthy self-esteem which sometimes introverts suffer. This obviously could slowly address some of the weaknesses issues appropriately, without having to feel "let down" because we are introvert. That way, extrovert or introvert will all be on equal footing or strictly speaking, no longer relevant, as it will be the mind that we are all focused on and make the best of it for us all.

A Value-Added Life (3) (The end)

"...removing wasteful thoughts..." 

I went to a "Positive Thinking" course recently and was introduced to the concept of "wasteful thought". Natalie, the speaker, spoke about four different types of thoughts we would daily engage in. These are, ordinary, positive, negative and wasteful thoughts. Example of wasteful thought include spending too much time of one's look in front of the mirror. Personally, I find positive and negative thinking are our responses to outcomes in life. Wasteful thoughts are instances where we are in a situation where we "over-indulged" unnecessarily. One other example will be spending too long on the bed, or some may say, waking up slowly (Obviously, we should not take life that seriously, but let's admit it, we overdo it sometimes).

The classification of these thoughts made it interesting and also easier for one to discuss its impact further. There are ways to deal with negative thoughts, as was discussed in the session. However, little was said about wasteful thoughts. I asked Natalie how should we go about reducing wasteful thoughts. She said it should be all down to our observation, which I totally agree. It looks like the central idea about observation could achieve a few things at the same time. This includes not only converting negative thoughts into positive, but also reduce the impact of wasteful thoughts.

Putting aside positive and negative thoughts, wasteful thoughts are less obvious and talked about. The perception of what is wasteful and why and how this should be removed was also not obvious. The fact that when a thought become "wasteful" give enough rationale and motivation for one to want to remove it. This certainly has an effect of "adding value"..However, coming to the conclusion about "something" being "wasteful" needs some efforts. It can only be achieved if we practise constant "observation" and being awareness as much as possible in our daily life.

How much do we waste? what have we wasted and still wasting? are we doing something about this? Does this affect us to considerable extent?Big questions, but address appropriately should "add values" to one's life. Enough on this topics, I should end this here, with those questions as food for thoughts to the readers to think about later.


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A Value-Added life (2)

What is the difference between "value" and "value-added" life?
Well, "value" is like a stock concept. It is a belief. It can be as simple as bargain hunting or going IT craze and become addicted to latest technology. The older generation may believe in how their parents brought them up is the right way to bring up kids and hence practise that on their own kids and so impose "value" on their kids the way they were being imposed. "value-added" is marginal. It is still about sticking to what one believes, but this has an additional edge to it, in that it "adds value", rather than impose or enforce it. When "value" is added, it normally serve a purpose like making things better and hence reinforced one's belief.

Can "value" be "too much of a good thing"
It certainly can. Bargain hunting can go the wrong way. IT techie addicts could find themselves ending up getting stuff they won't want it or getting tired too soon or finding problem they hadn't realised. I just had some bad experience while bargain hunting the other day, and ending up, unfortunately, finding myself to be overlying "careful" and missing out on "good bargain deal". We want our "value" to work for us, but in the end, it works against us and not "adding value". There is, of course, things to take away from the failure experience. Looking forward, there is obviously no time to waste, and so must learn the lesson and ensuring the next time not to repeat the same mistakes while bargains hunting.

Will "value" bias the way we see things? if so, how best to reduce the bias?
Values that were imposed/enforced on us made us believe the "values" are important and "workable", without making us further experiment or explore the likelihood that it would work. Our parenting style may be referenced from how we were brought up by our parents, for example. Bargain hunting tendency, like the way I did it, may prevent me from seeing the possibility of pursuing a "better quality" lifestyle that I could in fact, afford to do so. I may, however, argue that I enjoy a simple lifestyle and content with the simplest things, making it all the worthwhile to go for bargain. Still, this does not mean the "value"doesn't bias me.

If the bias (arising from having "value") cannot be minimised, what then is the rationale of having "value"?
I guess there is no one value that will "rule the world" simply because we are not perfect. We only do the best we can after all. What's importance is to develop a sense of awareness and observation, to the extent that only if we are clear about why and how a certain value is beneficial, then we pursue it. Value has to come from within and then strengthened and reinforced after testified by challenges, like the failure of bargain hunting that I had experienced. Hopefully, upon reflection, it will help to make it better the next time round. Then, the more we practised, the more this will "add value" to our life. That is how "value" will contribute to a "value-added" life though both concepts are different, in my opinion, as explained above.