Ivan

" it is really thankful to have a friend visiting...."

"Hey you put on weight since the last time I saw you!" I told Ivan as soon as he got out of his car and walked towards my flat. I knew Ivan when I was a lecturer at Aberdeen. He was then a PhD student, working on a topic, that I once claimed to be quite "girlie"! I think it is a topic about "management and culture in an off-shore based oil refinery firm based in the Middle East". He didn't stay behind to attend the graduation because his PhD studies experiences was too painful. It didn't give him good memories and he didn't see it meaningful to attend the graduation. He quickly moved down to London after he finished the PhD as he found a job in a construction firm (I think), as a safety officer. Ivan's parents are from Afghanistan and Cyprus. No one can be more exotic than that, and indeed with his dark skins and hairs and his high cheek bone, sometimes he looks like an ancient Greek God. Ivan is very funny, but he is also a good friend. He can be very honest with you and can be constructive as well, with good intention and not mean harm.

Ivan visited Leicester on some business meeting, and he must hit the road around 5.30 pm, before the traffic flow flooded the road, so we only took a walk round town and have a chat along the way, not very long, but we updated a bit of each other life and share our thoughts. Ivan and I earn about the same amount of income, reasonably fine, enough to pay the bill, but as Ivan so rightly said, he is in London, but I am not, so cost of living differs and has an impact. Also, Ivan told me about the nature of his job, that he needed to run about the site, inspecting work project, so I got a feeling about how he works like. I honestly told him, I think my situation is better, at least my time is flexible and  you don't feel people are watching you, as long as you do your job (i.e., mainly about research).

Ivan asked about my social life, etc, whether I went pub, clubbing, which I recalled I have been out with Ivan  once or twice having a good times while at Aberdeen. I told Ivan Loughborough is a "ghost" town, with very little to do,so he should know what to expect and we burst out laughing as we walked back towards my flat. And then he said, "I understand you are doing mediation, but your flat is your home and your body and soul, get a few pieces of furniture, small portable one, it will feel different, though I think the flat has a good layout!". How nice of him to point that out. I really, really think Ivan put himself in my shoe when he said that. I appreciate it, though it is up to me to decide what I want to do with my flat.

As I bid him farewell, I asked him to send my regards to his wife. Knowing me and my lazy style, I really don't know when I will visit London. But, for me, it is really thankful to have a friend visiting. It adds a little something to my daily routine. It felt alive living in this town, which I am slowly learning to explore and expand my scope of activities outside my work life.

How to read a novel

"....like reading a person..."

I have decided that reading novel has a different meaning to me. It felt like getting to know someone from the beginning up till the end, and this someone gives you his or her trust in you, and willing to share everything. Reading a novel really feel like getting to know a friend. You may say finishing a good book is like losing  a good friend, but then this means you start looking for another "good friend", and this goes on, at the end of it, u r looking for "someone" that feels and thinks the same way as you,and to be related to them in some ways.

I want to reference a book I read recently, "nothing to lose",which states that "...life has no narrative, it is random and inexplicable and formless, and that's why people want to believe in something, because it makes the unbearable meaninglessness of it explicable. Fiction does that: it soothes a deep searching part of you, because you can take the chaos of the world and give it shape, give it sense." This sums up nicely as to why I can feel "related" to the story I read. 

"Nothing to lose" is a story about Maude, a ghost-writer facing her guilt and regrets over the death of a young boy caused by a car accident involving her, given that she was not charged for that act, as approved  by the court. You can imagine how one could be engulf by such thoughts and almost breakdown a normal way of living one's life, until one day, a stranger's knock on the door and an unlikely escape to Scotland begins to convince her that, almost in spite of herself, that she may have something to lose. To keep this short and not to give too much away, it's a story with a happy ending.

In "nothing to lose", the superb writing style of the author is able to let me find traces of me in it, especially when facing one's fear, one's guilt, the power of the "narratives", it makes sense and it shapes up things, it helps me see the source of all the problems and then see how to go forward from there. The ending though is a happy one, does not often mirror how it looks like in real life. But then life does not stop there but in novel, in movies, it stops. That is the point where you "lost" a good friend. The important thing, however, lies in how the good friend get to that state. It's the direction, it's the journey the good friends take. The ending or rather the final destination, may not be as perfect as those in real life, but we are our own writer/director in the reality and only we know what makes us happy. The novel or movie only gives as an ideal and perhaps that is good enough as a source of "hope", all else, it's up to us to write our own "happy ending".

Does honesty has a price to pay?

"... even if it does, the returns will come its way in the future.... "

It's strange sometimes when a similar idea was mentioned by two different co-authors, and when you are involved in the research with both these co-authors, you should really worry about conflict of interest issues. Following the acceptance of our paper, JL started to develop a new idea and was thinking about combining  DEA with SFA based on the improvised DEA model we developed. Actually BB also thought about that, and had been talking about this with me after his presentation two months ago. I was in a dilemma. Surely, I cannot write two identical papers separately with two coauthors! It does not benefit anyone.

Well, what to do then. I thought the best policy was to inform both parties and tell them about it, and I did that. I told both of them, I would rather lose a research idea than to lose a friend. One possibility is that one party might have to sacrifice the idea and do something else, so I might end up losing out on a collabrative work project. However, if I don't mention now and in due course if it happen there is a huge overlap, it will affect the margin of contribution and the possibility of getting the work published.  It will not be fair to both parties for the effort they invest in.  However, I am thankful to my wonderful colleagues who so generously include me in their area of research work. I learnt a lot from these brainy people. BB is a pure statistician and JL is a mathematician. BB who is also my current colleague, who even go to the extent to co-supervise PhD student with me, allowing me to learn about the trade on the job.

BB and JL both help support the approach I took in developing my interest in researching hedge funds performance. Therefore, I cannot expect and enforce on them the way I want things to happen on my term. That was why I was saying I rather lose a research idea than a good friend because they really mean a lot to me, so I really don't mind if I have to be honest, I will still be honest. Not sure if there is a price, but one thing for sure, the returns will come its way in the future, making the collaborative work relationship more fulfilling and fruitful

When one understands

  "... there is clarity.."

J-Lu caught me on Friday in the first floor kitchen and then asked me, "Kai, so do I have to defend myself next Friday in the panel meeting." I answered, "well, put it that way, there is no right or wrong here, as long as you are clear in the thing you explained, it should be fine. At this stage, you need to know the big direction, explaining each step of the way, how you want to go about addressing the research issue, it should be fine." J-Lu is my PhD student going to have her first year review meeting next Friday. As expected, she is nervous, but BB (my colleague who co-supervise her with me) and I think she is fine. She only need a bit of confidence.

Clarity in argument is one important key in research, rather than right or wrong. When one is clear, one knows what one is doing, the short-coming, one knows what is there, what is not there, and can express (presenting or writing it out)  it well and tell everyone. More importantly, one simply understands. When one is clear, he is not biased by the right or wrong of the argument or the matter, he is calm and peaceful because he is clear. This becomes convincing for the listeners or readers because everything about the speaker or the writer becomes so effortless, making the presentation or the written piece of work an enjoyment to be engaged in.

There are only so many things in life that one can classify as right or wrong, like we all know robbery is wrong, killing people is wrong and stealing is wrong. If everything is that clear-cut, living will be so easy and also quite boring. Some may be restricted by the thought of religious belief and practices to classify what is right or wrong. It is often a lot harder to deal with the matter of "right" and "wrong" the older we get as we are "on our own", unlike while young, where our parents and teacher still represent the "authority".

The important question remains: are we clear about the reason and rationale (not the same as rationalizing) behind for living life the way we want it and want to (not the same as classifying it "right" or "wrong")? The next question is, are you feeling at ease with yourselves, whatever situation and however you are living your "chosen" life, if so, perhaps you are clear about the situation and can present to others a sense of ease and effortlessness. Clarity and awareness of any situation is the first step, knowing what's there and not there help you move forward more constructively in life. It is not often easy, however, thinking and working on this often will help us sort our mind out gradually and help us see the light, one way or another.

Time waits for no men

"I guess we only have "this much" time left (whatever is your age) for us to do something in our life....."

It looks like this is going to be another working weekend. I had set up a rule such that, I allow myself to work late in the week, but not to work too often on the weekend. As our profession is fairly flexible, working from home/office is really up to one's choice, it is inevitable that you may end up having to work on the weekend. I left my office today about 8 pm, so this is a fairly hectic day filled mostly with research related work. Therefore, today is really one of those that I had expected. What, however, need to be completed over the weekend are the resit exam marking and working on the next almost completed  research paper with JL. More importantly I must make a decision by Monday whether I am taking up my second PhD student, after having interviewed him today.

Strictly speaking, I won't say I am stressed. As far as it is about research, you do find that it is something counts towards the added value to your CV. I guess at times perhaps I may be taking too much. In fact, I only slept for 4 hours consecutively for 3 days last week. And when I woke up in the middle of the nights, I was thinking about some problem with a certain research I was doing. Funnily enough, I found the answer myself in those weird hours of the day. You may say I am productive, but I could do a bit better with being focused. Being focused means you do thing one at a time, and concentrate on it, and not being distracted, as you will lose the fun of it. So, when you sleep you sleep, when you are awake, you work, you relax, you just don't go to bed unnecessarily.

I think I just cannot help it, all the research that I was doing float in my head almost 24/7. While I don't think I want to fight this, I do admit a short break somewhere nearby will be helpful. I guess we only have "this much" time left (whatever is your age) for us to do something in our life while we still can. There are times where we should really take things one at a time. There are other times we really need to be reminded that, time indeed waits for no men. So, make the most of it, do the best you can, while you still can and then you can have the last laugh later. That would be great, won't it? Maybe you can tell me :D