I was not "feeling too well" in the past weeks. Something was "blocking" the way in my thoughts. I could not get rid of it entirely. I was not flowing. It just kept lingering about there in the head. It is not depression. I did feel I can function well and fine. I thought maybe it is work loads, and to be honest, there were some "loads" recently.
I know for sure I will "get there" because I have been there and feel that sense of "freedom" before. I guess it is a feeling that I lose touch with myself. It felt lost. Work goes on as usual. I felt that I could enjoy a bit more, but I didn't. I still carry out tasks as per normal. My work hours were quite flexible in this second semester, and I only teach 2 hours a week. In fact, I worked from home two times a week.
I swam as usual, but it felt more of a routine than an engagement. The feeling of involvement was not there. I sense that something is missing. I then try and "do nothing", i.e., meditate. My mind was wandering all over the place when I try to do that. After a few practises it comes back to it's "normal behaviour", i.e., it settled down and it began to observe again. I then become more aware of what's in me. It helps me to look into the "issues" more in details. At the end of it, it is still the "focus" issue that haunts me all the time. It seems that it is the workload that is the "root cause". I guess I become a little drained and wanted the pace of work to be a bit slowed down (but thankfully, it is all about research related workload, not teaching) and just felt a little restless, especially having the thoughts of having to do the work over the weekends, it's felt like an daunting tasks.
As I then began to indulge in addictive computer games just to escape those "daunting tasks", which does not help at all on focusing one's attention, it only made matters worse. As I slowly took a step back, I began to see the issues better and have gained baby step success in resolving them. I guess I must now monitor how meditation helps me with my daily life. I may be easily disturbed by external environment, but somehow managed to find my focus back. I am sure this will happen again, but the point is to put meditation in the picture and learnt to see how it helps in the process. I am sure the more I practised "focusing", the more I will carry on meditating or see how this will help me with my life. Going on at this pattern, hopefully one day, meditation will become integrated into my daily routine and become a very good habit that will come naturally and effortlessly each time I want to do it.
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