Don't be a stranger to your past

 "forgiving" one's past is one thing, recognizing and acknowledging its significance is another

 I make it a habit to read a good novel once a year on my holiday. This year, I read Louise Dean's "Becoming Strangers" while holidaying in Singapore. This novel is so depressive that it is inspiring. The first sentence of the novel read, "Before he 'd had cancer, he'd been bored with life.." You can imagine as this gets one, how depressive it gets. The novel is about two couples meeting on a holidays in the Caribbean island. Jan (the one with the cancer) and his wife met George and his wife. The latter is the older couple. Alongside, they met other visitors on the holidays and through their interactions, having meals, drinking in the bars, going on sea cruising and BBQ, all the background and pasts of the various characters slowly uncovered and following the end of their holidays, most of them seemed to have found lights towards the other end of the tunnel as they left their holidays and got on with their lives.

The main plots of the story central on Jan and George and issues facing their lives.  I found a common theme floating between Jan and George's lives. It's about one's past and whether you want to forget or not. There is a saying, "forgive but not forget". It means thinking of the past that haunt us, we can face it and not affected by it, so we "forgive" it, though we cannot forget it. In this novel, it re-addresses this issue. Jan has a problem in his marriage, he increasingly felt indifferent and even more so after he had cancer. His wife didn't feel love in the marriage and allegedly having affairs and it appears Jan knew of this, but just "keep one eye closes". His past increasingly has no meaning, with regards to his marriage, but he just want to "forget" and "get on with life". George, on the other hand, has a wife suffered from Alzheimer. She involuntarily "forget" things. George faced his wife rather helplessly. However, the past to George, is a meaningful one, unlike Jan. At the end of it, George decided that he want to jot down his past in writing, while he can still remembers. Some memories are worth recording down before one forgets.

The novel inspired me because it prompt me to re-think about the way I dealt with my past. There were some that I want to voluntarily forget, the bad one, for instance. There were also good ones, those worth recording down like George did. All in all, "forgiving" one's past is one thing, recognizing and acknowledging its significance is another. This is the key that bring meaning to our lives, in which we will always have a choice to choose to how to live.

What is the "attraction" of 阿娣

"At times, less is more.."

I seem not able to do without watching "Devotion" (阿娣) while in Singapore. Okay, mediacorp drama series is one of the most least favourite among some friends I know. But, sorry, I am actually quite interested in it. Some early critics had it that the storyline is very unrealistic. Ah Di, the main character, played by Zoe Tay is too good too be true. Her adoption of unwanted kids was criticised to be over exaggerating, as no one can be that kind in the real world. 

If we look at how Zoe Tay played this character, she is doing a good job, though the storyline sometimes has its problem. Having said that, I see something in Zoe Tay's character, that is, the attractiveness. Interestingly, one didn't find Ah Di to be a very outspoken person. She is quiet, introverted, but she has a way with things. I would describe Ah Di's type of personality to be effective, rather than efficient (other than her "efficiency" bringing up all her adopted kids). 

People attract people. Indeed, you find some characters slowly attracted and "glued" towards Ah Di as the story developed. The interesting thing is, you didn't find Ah Di to be "doing a lot", as in her sort of character, more of the inward looking type, you would have thought to be more on the "soft" side. But, why is she so "attractive" like a magnet?

Some people don't have to do a lot to win the hearts of others. It all based on their true nature and unpretentious personalities. At times, less is more, this just helped one to channel and focus every source of energy one has in the right direction, enabling one to take things in their own strides and slowly making things happened, given with some time, determination and more importantly, patience. Zoe  Tay, as an actress, has successfully portrayed such unique, distinctively different quality in the character. Her acting is great, though I think the story could be better written.

Home is where the heart is?

"No, home is in your hands!"

I had a really nice meal with a former college senior earlier this afternoon in a nice, and cosy Malay's food outlet. Away from the nearby busy crowded Raffles place, we found this fine food outlet selling nice and very authentic Malay food. In front of us, we have curry of at least three different flavours, including the creamy coconuts flavours. They were really delicious and I enjoyed it a lot. My former college senior and I had a rather long lunch, talks and discussions. We of course didn't miss out bringing up our good old days in our Junior College (SAJC) days. We shared quite a lot and yes, and we began to miss those days, but realised though we appear to have moved on, one reason why what some people had said to us in those days remained in our memories forever, is because those words were real and truthful, whether out of anger or arguments.

My college senior walked me to the nearby bus stop after we finished the lunch, and she popped up one question, "Do you still find Singapore is like your home or you think you are on holiday?", I answered, "well, I supposed I am on holiday, see, I even sent a couple of postcards to my UK friends, so I am taking this trip as a holiday". I continued, "I am trying to feel the same wherever I am, and not get confused travelling across time zones and spaces, that way perhaps, everywhere is home." Before my college senior left me, she text me her address and ask me to send her a postcard when I return back to the UK. I understand she want to make me feel there is a "home" in Singapore too. I thought that was so nice and I was moved by her kind gesture.

They say, home is where the heart is, thank god, I still have a heart that know about this, but then, isn't that all about identity? if you can identify yourselves or able to associate with things whenever you go, everywhere is home to you. That perhaps is a bit higher level, as it meant you must really have travelled so widely to experience that. But then, it is also about expectation and adaptability, in everywhere you travelled, every experiences you encountered. It's a journey, so perhaps there is no home, only your luggage and you, forever seeking the "destination", but also enjoying what you see along the way, enjoying the view and having a good time :D

Visiting Singapore; Visiting people

"... but, who will I visit and how many will I visit"

I emailed a friend yesterday, telling him, how differently I felt each time I returned to Singapore. Indeed, I am suddenly a bit confused whether going back Singapore, as if a routine (just like some may think visiting relatives during the Chinese New Year), is this doing it for my parents (as they probably miss me) or doing it for me (taking time off, holidaying, etc) or perhaps a bit of both, but still not sure which is more. I find myself knowing lesser and lesser friends in Singapore, following my long stay and work in the UK, which is inevitable. Each time I went back Singapore, those who I SURELY want to meet, guess who? well, those who went to college/University with me, those friends I get along well in the past. So, hopefully something can be planned along those lines.

Sometimes, I thank facebook; some other times, I hated it. Facebook help bridged people who lost touch in the past, but also brought back nightmare, some old enemies, who you made during those immature years at school. Forget about "mending the relationship", something in life are just worth forgetting, right? I remember getting in touch with my secondary school mates once using a social media (i don't think is facebook), and we had a couple of gathering in a couple of years I went back Singapore. After that, I don't feel like attending and never attend anymore, just not sure what to chat about, also, I spent so many years in the UK, there is really no common talking point.

The social media change the way people perceived friendship. I always think there must be some gaps left behind. Human is complex enough. However, you do lost touch with your "self", and forget altogether what you want and doing things the majority are doing, which is not necessary. Interesting, I do find a couple of funny people during the University day that I like to get in touch back again. I am happy to find one such friend on facebook. I really look forward to meeting him in my trip back to Singapore.

I actually like meeting some of my aunties. Most of them adore me when I was little. I think I am really lucky here. I also like to meet a couple of  "distant" uncles. I like meeting them because they like to "chat" and downplay making meeting like a big thing, so normally will do with cup of tea, simple drink, etc, which I prefer. I guess this is a bit like a very Western thing, where you will say to a mate, "let's go for a pint, I buy you a drink and we can have a chat". We normally go to the "public house" (pub). In Singapore, we may go to the "coffee shop". However, "coffee shop" tends to be "greasy", but there are "posher" ones these days. On the other, pubs also have quieter one and nosy one, all up to your preference.

I had not made plans already to meet people this time back to Singapore. I guess I will meet the "usual suspects" and give some surprise phone calls to some on my lists that I had not contacted for ages. I guess I should not be too ambitious over the coming 3 weeks, also to take things easy. If not able to meet up with so and so, can also do next time. It is strange that some people still feel "offended" just because you didn't go and see them. I don't get it. Anyway, I can't spend too much time on them. I must think more for myself and have time for myself. There will be two hours left before my plane landed in Singapore tomorrow this time. I am looking forward to it, the journey more than the destination actually.

A time and place for everything

"When it feels right, you will enjoy it"

Following my exam finished today, I will be locking myself away from tomorrow onward for 5 or 6 days to mark those 175 exam scripts. This also marks the end of the second semester and the beginning of a three months "breaks". For the past few days, I had been busily attending to students' enquiries in the office, replying emails mostly and suddenly felt I have loads of time on hand. As the term comes to the end and my teaching finished, I seem to be left with "nothing much to do". The evening suddenly felt so "empty", watching "Britain Got Talents" for the past one week, though enjoying it, still find a little "missing out on something". It just didn't feel right to do anything, not even leisure reading, writing blogs or even getting out and about, going for a walk. It gets a little mechanical when what you do the following day was to go to office, seat yourselves down and then wait for students to come by and one by one, you "served" them. The evening felt like a time to "do something", but you get restless because you can't seem to find "things" to do. Perhaps that's what commonly known as boredom. I found that the worst of those moment, is to find myself forcing myself to become productive and start digging out research task to do, surely that is going to become counterproductive before too long. Of course, I didn't do that.

I remembered I had a little thought about "relaxation". Even to the extent that it has to be "focused" . Now, I think there is a time and place to do anything, especially when you are "relaxing". What to do, how to do it and when to do it, I think it matters. I listened to Jazz Musics first thing when I came home, as soon as my laptop is switched on. The music filled the air with a sound of yesteryear and a nicer feel comes along when it gets darker with only my lamp lighted up in my living room. The timing seems right and It's a nice feeling. It felt relaxed.

I guess I just have to "put my mind and soul" at that moment, and indulged myself in it. Yes, there are few things in life that you do "automatically" and adjust to it, as it is already built in somehow. For example, these days I became more and more "used to" my body mood to go swimming. I resist it lesser and lesser. So, when the time comes, I will just got up and go without hesitation. Now, i go three times a week, and whether the pool is crowded or not, I will get by it and get the most of each session of my swim. There is a time and place for everything. When it feels right, you will enjoy it, but you should really know what you enjoy most in the first place.