Inspirations and Resolution

"....What your mindsets said...." 

Another day about to go by, then it will be the new year. How time flies! People look back their life this time of year, so what did you find? For me, I need inspiration so I can keep going and move forward. This forms the basis of my resolution for 2012. Here's my inspirations and resolution.
INSPIRATIONS

I was inspired by Tersesa Hsu and Ben Breedlove in the last quarter of 2011. I had also gone to "hell and heaven" at work in November 2011. These are opportunities, however,  for me to reflect and take a step back. and learnt about my strength, which are all good and useful experiences. I also learnt from others. I read about the life and death of Tersesa and Ben, both of which inspired me. Strangely, I see subtle similarities between what they encountered and faced, when compared to mine. I think if we can train ourselves to face whatever we encountered in our daily life like facing the last day of our life, maintaining peace and calm (which is attainable through meditation) we are going to do many great things (benefit self and others, obviously i am not there yet) while alive.

My decision to take up Meditation is one of the most important I made in recent years. This step forward opens up new doors for the cultivation of a better self. I knew about the Brahma Kumans Meditation locally and attended the entire full course. Basically this school of thought about meditation (yes, there are a few ways to meditate, each based on individual belief and philosophy) preaches the importance of a peaceful mind as that is where the purest soul supposed to be. This approach is interesting, because it has similarity with Buddhism in the way it preaches its belief, but it starts with the emphasis of a peaceful mind, while Buddhism may start by stressing the importance of being kind, compassion (the Buddha's quality) and then a bit later meditation, at least that is how I was taught back in my school's day. I didn't find this contradict with my Buddhistic belief (you have to attend the whole course to understand why) and I am finding constant practices of meditation has benefited me slowly.

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION

I didn't find myself practising meditations as much as I would like to. Meditation is not as easy as it seems, as it appears. The important question remains, are you convinced this is going to work for you? I guess I can see the importance of being a peaceful soul and also to develop it as a habit. However, you also want to make that a "good quality" habit. For example if we learnt to develop brushing our teeth before sleep every night as a habit, we still could brush our teeth the wrong way, that won't make it better. If we then develop meditation as a habit, we still could do it wrong. While, attending drop-in meditation sessions may be a way to help enhance and improve on our meditations, seeing the benefits it gives is also a good motivating force to drive one to continue meditating. So far, meditation appears to me like an anchor, just like the breathing technique suggested by Ross Harris's "The Happiness Trap".

Mediation gives me a space to be on my own and kept silent for at least 10 minutes a day, and then after that, I get on with my daily routines, and it did make me feel like the 10 minutes had helped me take things a little easy and focus as I carried out each and every task during the day. I supposed that is what meditation is meant to be, and perhaps if now I meditate a bit longer, the effect on my thoughts would be different? It will be interesting to find out. Meditation is empowering. I must change my mindset towards meditation to get the most of it, still making sure I take one step a time, hopefully that help me effectively dealing with the up and down of life  Happy and Fruitful New Year 2012 to all. :D

Not afraid of death anymore

 

 "..... Still I respect life....." 

Today is 18 year-old Ben Breedlove's funeral. Ben has become popular on the internet after he posted a video detailing his fear of death until he felt he has overcome it. He died on Christmas Day from a complications of hypertrophic cardiomyopathy (HCM), an abnormal thickening of the heart's walls, which he was suffering from. I watched his video (posted here). You can tell he no longer had fear over death. He was so calm and peaceful. Underlying his calmness are the the easy-going style and the courage he portrayed in the video. They appeared effortless and just flow, and unfolded itself through his facial expressions. Understanding how he suffered from the disease had not prompted him to take his own life, though he did admit tried "cheating deaths" a few times.

Ben showed a certain degree of respect to life, which is an understanding of what cannot be changed and how it finally made sense for him to be "inward looking" to develop strength from within, which is the peace and the calmness that he eventually developed to help him cope with the challenges of the disease. Ben's gesture of calmness and peace might be similar to preparing or "getting ready for death" (at least in the mental state). Yet, we all can be calm and peaceful in all aspects of our life, not just when facing death. Being calm and peaceful is a way to deal with uncertainties in life, job losses, relationship failure, etc. We are just not perfect and need to be constantly reminded about being calm and peaceful.

The calmness and the peacefulness of the mind are powerful because they act like firewalls, and  cultivating and building them from within one's self, could deter external "threats and harm", such that over times, it strengthened the highest level of one's spiritual self, and not easily to be defeated, even though the physical self may be invaded. May I wish Ben experience peace and calm wherever he goes.

High school's sweethearts are the sweetest

"..... Memory is the gift of time and is enough to bring a smile on your face ...."

I just watched "One Day", the movie about a couple who knew each other during their graduations' days in a potentially one-night stand situation, which both agree to just become friends. They agreed to keep in touch with each others and this lasted over a period of 20 years, which they met only one day a year throughout, due to their different locations.

You can imagine how hard this is going to be. However, given that both characters knew each other from their students' days at University, it became one of the "purest" relationships one would expect, and therefore the strongest to survive. Jim Sturgess played the main male lead role, Dexter while  Anne Hathaway played the main female lead role, Emma. Dexter was the one who travelled the world and enjoying affairs all over the places he went for work purpose. Over the years, both experienced changes in their life and they also met people along the way. There were little heartbreaks, but both still remain friends. What touches the heart is at the end, the movie gave a flash back on how they all get started knowing each others. You realized there was a very strong sense of friendships, making you believe whatever happened, both will be supportive of each others and never will that fade away and die.

"One Day" is a type of love story, purest in its own way, standing the test of time and distance all because both involved knew each other from their students' days. I had reviewed another similar movie, As good as it gets (see here). That movie told another type of love story. That was about baggage and personal issues that affected people way of communications. The couples in "One Day" has different issues, but it seemed "easier" when both knew each others from the students' days, because you will just trust it, not that you take it for granted. You gave it time and put efforts to see it worked out. You can also be open about it and share your views, express yourselves with trusts in the other person. I guess if one has baggage issue, things are perhaps just too much to take on, and even being open could easily make you lose your composure and hence affected the quality of the relationships, which sadly is quite a realistic issue these days.

A friend told me he knew of a couple who knew each other since 10 year old, but only re-connected after 40 years. Time never stops down, as it passed us by, it made changes in our perceptions of relationships with people.Someone whom you knew before, after many years may become strangely a "right person" when you re-connected again. Memory is the gift of time and is enough to bring a smile on your face and all those in the memory become the sweetest . And yes, if nothing else happened, you would still have the friendship and still, the sweetest! :D

Thank you for remembering me on Christmas

"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." ~ William Ward

The early morning on Christmas Day was especially peaceful, even I could feel that. I have lived in the UK for over ten years across five cities. Each time I moved from one to another, I knew new people and kept in touch with the old ones, though this means we will become less close since we will be distance apart. Thanks to facebook for making it possible to chat and catch up with long distance friends. Some knew I am spending Christmas alone and have sent me Christmas card and KA called to wish me happy Christmas from Norfolk, where he spent this Christmas with his family. I also received a text from WF and his wife wishing me the same, in which I returned one.

A Chinese Visiting lecturer specially sent an email wish me Merry Christmas and told me a card is being sent on the way and hope I will receive in time for the festive season. That was a nice gesture. Kevin sent me a card too. I knew Kevin while I was at Aberdeen. He used to ask me out for a drink whenever he visited Aberdeen to see his parent. Meeting Kevin was really lucky. There was a gentlemanly distance and we appreciated that and enjoyed good engaging conversation, he was supportive and I do like his company.

I also cannot forget the Custom-made Christmas Card sent by KM, which he put some much thoughts on it and wickedly funny as well. I love it. I had not celebrated festive periods like Chinese New Year or Christmas for many, many years. It is not something you can do very much if you don't have a family, but I am increasingly finding myself used to this, which felt scary at first, but not anymore. I want to say a big thank you to the kind friends for the cards, text, calls, emails and greetings on facebook. You had made me feel having a Christmas Day, even if only once in every 365 days, is a BIG bonus. Thank you for remembering me. May 2012 brings you lots and lots of happiness! :D

A little Christmas Wish

 "... Maybe grandma won't be celebrating Christmas, but as long as she was happy, I would be happy for her...."

KM missed her mom the other day while listening to "O Holy Night" and had some emotional moments. I can understand it is Christmas festive periods where family members gather and have some nice time together, exchanging gifts, etc, so I can imagine how KM felt suddenly when mom was not around anymore. This Christmas I am still going to do some works, but when I am not doing my work, I sometimes thought about my grandma, who passed away for about 3 years now. My grandma adored me, and took care of me until I was 6 year old, I think and I was then brought back to live with my parents. I guess I was not too used to living with my parents, as I very quickly felt the tension in the family, especially those between my parents. I immediately sensed something was not quite right. I was very insecure, intense and rebellious at a young age. It is only coming to weekend I will be happy because I will be spending weekend at grandma's!!

Spending weekends with my grandma moved me away from my quarrelsome parents. Grandma was kind. Grandma would talk to me about how I had lived. I would help her with daily chores. The sort of  relationship I could not imagine I would have with my mom. I often felt that was where I should belong and enjoyed the nice peaceful weekend here and felt happier. As I grew up and started working, I reduced my times spent with grandma over the weekends, but I still visited her. Her kindness still the same, concern and take care of me. Now as I came to think of it, what so special about her is that positivity in her mentality and the gesture of being kind just to anyone moved me. She became like an inspiration in that, some of her behavior began to affect me in the way I dealt with people. This influence will be with me forever.

The other night I dreamed of grandma. That must be the third time I dreamed of her this year. In my dream I saw grandma and she was happy. I was not sure if it was her that I saw, so I said, "is that you, grandma?", she still smiling and still happy, but she didn't say a word. Then I said, "okay why not I touch you and I will know if this is you". Then I use my finger and poke her arm. Gosh, it was real, I can feel the fresh of the skin. I said, "gosh, grandma this is true, you are grandma!" Next thing as far as I can remember, I opened my eye and I woke up.

That felt so magical and I told my mom about this and she told me grandma must have taken a flight to the UK to visit me and we were both glad that grandma was happy, wherever she was. As much as I felt grandma lived in my heart,  I miss her sometimes, I miss her smile, that showed deep kindness and compassion, like a breath of fresh air. If you looked at her, you would feel the calmness and the peace in her and you would feel equally peaceful. I miss her, I want that magical moment in my dream again. Would Santa grant me this little wish of dreaming my grandma again on Christmas Day? Perhaps grandma would not be celebrating Christmas and would be busy, but as long as she is happy, I would be happy for her. :D

Settling Disputes

"...Made-up illusion is a war one is fighting within oneself, painful, tedious, draining and not getting anywhere...."

Received a reply from the last member of Group 24 telling me that he should have no problem letting me decide the distribution of the report grade when it is finalised. Group 24 had a problem when the group members were deciding how much they want to grade each others when considering the contributions to the group work. It all began when A (there are 4 members, A, B, C & D) emailed me to say she received "reliable source" indicating that D is going to grade the other members of the group based on his dissatisfaction with some of the group members, whom he was involved with when doing other group work. I then replied A to ask for "evidence" and if that is the case, I would investigate. After all the 25 groups submitted their reports and each in turn submitted their online peers assessment of each others efforts, A & B both came to me and said that their feedback about peers assessment show they scored "below averages" for all criteria that were assessed of them and claimed, they do most of the report and cannot be "below averages", this naturally implied suspicions about the motive behind D when grading other members in the group. Indeed, as I checked the group peers assessed scores, D in fact has graded other members a lot lower.

Immediately I thought I should let them do the scores again, but common sense told me that won't work because they will end up "taking revenge" and grade each other lower than previously, and all will not benefit. I thought letting all the students score the same, without considering the contribution made, may be less complicated. Then I sent out an email to group 24 stating that, but was met with disapproval by group members, claiming those contribute more should deserve more scores. I then discussed this with a senior colleague, who came out with a Plan B, which is to let students discuss face-to-face as to who contribute more and who contribute lesser and then proportion it accordingly and then should be based upon to determine the individual final score. And finally the students agreed to this plan B, claiming this is not likely as some members in the group "will be traveling", so following the email received from the last member in the group agreeing this to be left to the decision of the marker to decide the score for individual member, the matter is confirmed solved.

The purpose of group work is to foster group spirits and enhance effective learning. People must have an open mind. The online Peers Assessment method aims to assess the group work process as well, so that those who contributed will be awarded with more scores, while those contributed lesser will be penalised accordingly. It became harder if people in the group disagreed with how they grade each other. I sometimes wonder why such disagreement arises. The disagreement may just be one's made-up illusion, which is why I stressed to A, I need to see "evidence". Made-up illusion is a war one is fighting within oneself, painful and not going anywhere, tedious and draining too. The solution is to forget about the "fight" and get on with it. This means if you then decide that other members contribute less, then go and proved they are worth lesser than you. A bit tedious, a bit silly to go to that extent, but.this then posts a challenge to the students to ask themselves if it would be silly to go through it. A leopard would not change its spots. Some people simply have issues, it is not the lecturers' job to help them solve their problems. We give them options and they decide what's best to do, all else, if people think they need to get helps about "issues", they may, but sorry, not in my department.

Not SM(A)RT anymore

"... it was not meant to be, so don't be unhappy....."

A friend on facebook posted a message about "income opportunity" and I asked her if she was short of cash and she told me the background to it. I didn't realize it was a joke. She explained to me and I saw where she came from. Report shows that following the huge 5 hours long disruptions, SMRT in the midst of clearing off huge passengers backlog, tried to mobilise its taxi drivers to help with transportation and inappropriately termed this as "income opportunity". It is always interesting to observe happenings in Singapore and see how people react. The reactions, in my opinions, would be what shaped up Singapore's thinking in the future. This should evolve over time and become part of our values. Interesting also is the integration of social media in the process moving people in the right and wrong directions.

To me, any "mistakes" made by the public services in Singapore is a "shock" because these were meant to be "perfect" and people have "high expectations", remembering and reasonable enough, Singapore also live by it's international rating of its quality and standard. I think sooner or later, we will all have to come to term with this and appropriately face it. Unfortunately, this made a lot of people not able to and not know how to "let go" and kept being hung up or angry over it all because we want it to be perfect. Honestly, this is just public transports, there has got to be more important things in life other than this, can we not just put it aside. I am sure the media will report lots of this and people will be reminded again and again.

By international standard, the "mistake" is quite normal. Over here, people face disruptions in transport very often, things do happen, and people also unhappy but accepting to it. Disruption due to weather, strikes, technical, etc, you can name it. The quality of underground also not as good as in Singapore MRT. Singapore may be one of the world's fastest growth economy, but there is no "short cut" coming to public transports, it is still a very steep learning curve. So, we ought to be patient and even to forgive those who claim about "income opportunity", inappropriate as it may seem, SMRT also not experience handling "shock". I am sure as time passed, people are also likely to face such things again, not to say we compromise on the standard, as things do happen and this is a fact. It is better we get ready to revise expectation and face this realistically.

Can we not be a bit "international" when facing this? Why not adopt a sense of humour, take it easy, take it in our stride and let your fiery reaction find a place to be put at rest. Stop reading how people wrote or react to this online or Twitter as this only makes you more angry and this is bad for your soul. Still, social media is good in shaming the bad behaviour (though in my view is forgivable) of SMRT. Having said that, we have to be very careful about how we are affected by social media.  If there were things that made you unhappy already, why add on to the list. Perhaps we should just take things one at a time and face everyday as if a new beginning.

Passed away at 113 year old

".... death is not about what you cannot bring with you, rather, it is about what you left behind..."

Tersesa Hsu, an 113 year old social worker from Singapore passed away. All her life, she contributed to the welfare and the care of the old aged who are stick and ill health. She continued to support the old and needy even after her 110th birthday. For someone like her, who spent her entire life devoted to such duties, one would wonder how's her family looks like, how is she going to be looked after. One would have hoped that given her kindness, she should have a good family or at least people will be pleased for her if this was the case. However, she instructed that no claim is to be made on her ashes and that no ritual or ceremony to be held for her.

Reading about her choice for a low key funeral made me wonder what actually went through her mind at those last few moments. What was she thinking? If I may try and interpret her style of living then I would get some ideas. A report claimed that she drank juice daily since 1947 and keeping a good habit of daily mediation and keeping a peaceful mind. Amazingly she learnt yoga at the age of 69. How extraordinary was that? I am thinking the fact she can even started to do yoga at 69 year old, not only is a sign of determination, but also about a positive attitude, i.e., taking thing one at a time until it is completed, which involved lots of patience, so it is not hard to understand how meditation had trained her. Her caring for the old aged showed her compassion, but also that she could put herself in others' shoes and care for them the way they desired.

Some people like to claim that life is a dream, as in, all of us will die one day and hence no need for us to go after fame, money and power. I began to wonder before she closed her eyes and passed away, has Teresa thought about her "lose", perhaps she has got nothing much for her to feel any lose. Secondly as all sufferers of old aged would, she would have battled with pains from organs failures. The best way to deal with pains is to let it be painful and not fight it. Feel the pain as it would pass, though a bit differently compared to when one was alive and healthy, but it would pass, that was what I thought Teresa might have in mind.

Teresa was spiritual and she showed great focus and devotion regardless of her age. Yet life is not about how long one lives, but how good it's been. But if life's been good (as in you find meaning in what you do and love it, like what Teresa has found when devoting to doing social work), the more it should be longer and the longer the better. Still, nothing is forever, one day it will end and we will all face that. If that day arrived, then it is not about what you cannot bring with you, it is, however, about what you left behind to other people. Teresa has left behind an inspiration to many and also to me.

Memory is the gift of time

"... and those open doors bring us back. Some doors, indeed, were never close..."

It felt a little strange how time flies, and as I looked back to the past, still the memories seemed vague, but it seems like only yesterday we met in the university's day. I cannot say we were extremely close, but I guess, and like most do, one of those "hi" and "bye" sort of friends. the rather "impersonal" way of life in Higher Educations, shook up my whole idea about friendship. You felt you lost touch of it so easily, and people come by and go, who you want to become close with, and who you want to choose as your friends seems such a daunting task. That was the very first time I experienced how friendship meant something different. I was a little shock, but nonetheless, got on with it, knew a few good friends during the University's days, but never quite get close with you. I supposed we had one or two occasions that we had assignment together, that we discussed together, amongst other course mates, that happened to have to do that economics assignment for the same week.

They all said friends you made during your schools' days are the best, yet, I am not sure if I had made the best use of that during my time. Then you realized after you graduated and began working, when you felt you needed someone to share personal opinion about life, work and career in general, you didn't find you could get someone as a listener. And often you found, moving from one job to the next means people that you knew before closed their doors while you see others in the new jobs opened theirs. It still felt the same after all these years, except that you found some people nicer than others, which you accepted as the way it should be.

"Facebook" no longer helps me differentiate between acquaintance and friends, the more this prompted me to search for my friends from the past. I have a loud cry inside me, that wanted to rediscover my past, reconnect with people I knew in the past. And I stumbled you on facebook. Gosh, that familiar face floated back my mind and I immediately recognized you, you don't look any different at all. Some doors seem never close, and I passed by you and said hi, not sure what to expect, totally understand how people can become different over time, but you welcomed me and you invited me, which was a delight and a very pleasant surprise.

Obviously, I am already a very different person compared to those days and I am sure you are in similar situation, but I didn't quite feel a difference in you when we chat, that subtle kindness you show, perhaps a bit more mature now? Memory (though vague) is a gift of time, your open doors bring us back, and we become re-connected.  I can be myself and be open about myself, just like in the good old days. And I began to wonder, where have you been all these years. I am glad I found you and I am looking forward to seeing you next time, but meanwhile on this special day, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy, happy birthday. :D

Expectation

"being independent is the way to live...." 

What is the role of expectation in our daily life? Expectation could be risky because you may get disappointed because not all expectation will happen as expected. Why do people then want to expect something? I guess people wanted to get an assurance about things and the outcomes. I wonder if people can live without expectations of others? It seems not quite possible especially if expectation of another person also implied a certain level of responsibilities of this other person. I didn't find myself a "responsible" person mainly because I didn't feel I was brought up learning not to expect from people, and I end up being very protective over my needs, and always wanted to be "independent", which I kind of somehow achieve now and enjoying it.

As I survived those days of taking precautionary measures and to be protective of myself, I began to see it as quite possible for anyone to do. One just has to learn to be independent to begin with. This implies that you will be relying on your own self, as long as you can find meaning the way you handle this, you will be motivated to continue to do so for a very long time. Being "independent" also make you keep an "arm length" when you deal with thing, because you know you will have to take precautions of some sorts, you not likely to put blame on other people if things do not turn out as you like, you kind of "expected" it anyway. I find learning to be independent is a very good exercise to take charge of one's life and also you learnt to manage expectations of other people. Indirectly, this should promote your interpersonal relationship with other people.

However, it is a different story if people now expect you to behave in a certain way. Normally, this seems to appear among younger people, like my students in class, for example. I then learned to keep an "arm's length" with them, so I will still have my own personal spaces, without compromising too much.. Students probably find that I am someone who will do my jobs, well and good, and then all else, I am just friendly, but not particularly want to warm with them. I passed the age of looking for role models, and I survived those years  living a life with no role model. These are all good trainings to me, just that sometimes you just not sure how other younger people look at you. But then, I already know how to keep a distance with them. I guess people will just have to expect that.

Falling back and not collapse

"... when you retire.."

I attended a talk about my pension. There were some changes suggested by the USS (the pension fund manager), and it is beneficial to attend. There were some changes made to the early retirement age, which will later be adjusted upward, obviously not benefiting people like myself who will retire a lot later, but to my colleagues such as GB, who also attended the talk, he will not be affected. Indeed, he said that making the decision to retire early was the most liberating decision he ever made and he won the applaud of the audiences immediately.

Knowing GB as I do, I understand his career path in the academia is different from mine. He is living across two different systems, which like most, and hopefully not me next time, who appear not to have done enough to catch up and adapt to the change. His promotion, for example, becomes more difficult and expect a lot more at the same time. The speciality he belongs to, is not quite a popular as in the old day, and you can imagine what that would do to a person's morale. What also known to many is that, GB is currently taking care of his wife, who suffered from a stroke few years back and stopped working. In fact, sometimes I saw GB with this wife in her wheelchair doing his grocery shopping. I can tell he is a very good husband, taking care of his wife up to the fine details.

After the pension meeting, I have a little chat with GB and ask him how his manage his pension. He told me, since his wife was disabled, there had been huge claims from her pension and that supported a lot on the financial ends. Therefore, he has taken out about 83% of his income into a AVC scheme, where the contribution from is deducted before tax each month, that way you avoided paying huge tax bill. He also put some of the deductions into other low risk account. I understand GB's kids are all grown up and leaving home and leading their life, but GB is independent. On one occasion, he told me, though it may sound horrible, if the worst were to happen to his wife, he had it all planned up financially and will be all ready to get on to lead a new life. I thought that was reasonable, as he was supporting his ill health wife anyway.

GB amazes me in many ways. He is almost 60 year old and he keeps going. It is interesting because we only known one "insurance" in life is life partner, but GB let me see and think beyond. Falling back and not collapse. Yes, with a pot of pension in place, what else to worry. Surely we would want as much as possible for the pension, millions or something, but I guess it's the organisation of the finances. It's a simple rule applies to all and I see another important trait in GB, he seems to start with "being self-sufficient", ensuring his survival first, which is important, and which I think he will achieve that, and anything else comes along becomes a bonus. It seems like the sort of thinking I found familiar, combining desire, expectation and happiness. This perhaps also works when I retire, helping me live a sufficiently fulfilling retirement life.

The disappointment of that white coat boy

 ".... all because he asked me to collect my urine in that BIG container..."

I have to fast this morning and delayed my breakfast because I have registered myself to take part in one experiment, that is about testing for dehydration in a human body. This took place in the School of Sports and Exercise Science, in the CW Building. I was a little intrigued because CW Building looks like a normal venue for lecturing and tutorial, what else could happen in there, I wonder. When I arrived, I was received by a student and being escorted up to the level where the experiment took place. I must say I was quite impressed when I knew where all these are going to happen, it was at the top floor on the other side of the building, totally well "wrapped up" like a sort of CIA location, quite protective and secretive I must say, and when I reached there, I was taken take by another guy in white coat, yes, as in doctor attire. He appeared kind of proud of his outfit, hinting to me as if "hey now i am the doctor and you are my patient" and then he says hi to me and introduced himself. That was fine. Then I followed this white coat boy through a few doors and meeting a few other white coat specialist, saying hi here and there. Then we reached a room, where the whole experiment began. I was then asked to collect my urine in a rather huge container, which was not quite the same like a tube normally GP will use. Then My blood sample was taken and I filled in even more forms.

I chat with the white coat boy and  then  I knew that this experiment was required as part of his final year dissertation project and he needs a lot more sample to complete the dissertation. It was about the study of the contributing factors to dehydration. I was then asked to collect urine samples for the next 7 days. I was then given with 4 EVEN LARGER containers, almost as big as those 2 ml in capacity! I was asked to collect them using each of the 4 containers each days, and to bring back and exchange for another 3 next Tuesday. Also, My first pee of the day must be into the container of the previous day and only my second pee is into the new container. I thought that was so complicated and I have to take down some notes. He also gave me a booklet and showed me to record my foodstuff I took every day, take down the times, what i ate and also how I felt before i eat those stuff, am I happy or not, between a scale of 1 to 5, also am I with friends and where I was, etc. I thought that was a bit daunting, but I decided to give it a go. Then I left and went back to my office.

Later that morning, the more I thought about this, the more I felt it was not quite right. Collection of urine in this huge container everyday means I have to go to the toilet with that BIG container and pee. What would my colleagues think about this, I cannot imagine. Even if i do it in my office, I still have to keep my urine in my office and that will smell horrible, and what if I have people in my office, that felt so wrong, and then at the end of the day, I have to bring my pee back keeping the BIG container in my bag, it was so weird. I decided that I am not going to do this quite quickly, call that white coat boy, and brought the container back to him, and explaining to him, and I can see his disappointment, and I gave him a pat on his back, implying to him "good luck" and I left and felt glad I don't have to keep my urine in those rather shockingly BIG containers. Perhaps those BIG containers are really not meant for me, hahahaha!

November 2011 - My Heaven or My Hell?

".... at times it opens me to hell and at times, it opens into the heaven..."

November is a month that moves me in and out of heaven and hell. I had spoken about how it felt to be in "heaven" and "hell" in the past (see here), this time it seems a little different. I began to feel that, it is now in the conscious mind, never mind the external environments. This means that in a much broader sense, even if a person died, his body is only dead, not his spirits, implying his consciousness may still sense about things. How the spirits sense about things, whether it senses heaven or hell depends on the "mood" of the spirits. I guess when one is sleeping and dreaming, that appears like an experience where the body leaves the soul. In one's dream, one really felt like one is "floating" everywhere with all sort of emotions. As to the "mood" of the spirits, I think we can cultivate them and nurture while we are alive. To me, November 2011 gives me such good opportunity to do that.

November is busy because I was involved an "exercise" that has 2 deadlines and a teaching observation. I also have to finish writing a book chapter and submit to publisher. Furthermore, I have two full modules to lecture, Wednesday and Thursday and I have to visit London on two consecutive weekends. Obviously I anticipated this way before in September and has been quite cautious as time drew near, making sure I plan every single details along the way. As time and as November approach, I realise even being very organised like what I used to be, I cannot help but still that is not enough. Well, apart from all that as stated above,there are few meetings along the way. I just felt I simply don't have enough time. It felt just like HELL!!

Well, even that may feel like HELL, my positive side tells me, "hey let's take one week at a time" or "take one at a time". Yes, indeed, in theory that should work. Unfortunately, it didn't feel like it, it felt so drained, I move from one week to the next, working on each deadline, together with preparing for TWO lecture each time (and I am giving 2 2-hour per week), I just felt I want all these to be over soon. I kept telling myself no matter what, I will stick to my swimming routine, doing 3 times a week, which I did. Swimming becomes like a form of meditation, it sorts of tell me, keep going just I strive to keep my balance and speed when I swim, never stop or slow down until I finished my 500 meter each time I swim.

As the weeks passed, I finished tasks after tasks, racing one deadlines after another. The final deadline was the toughest, the written submission about my teaching, where I suddenly needs to reflect on why I do what I do on learning, etc. Something that didn't cross my mind not one bits in the past 7 years of my teaching in Higher Education. So it felt like a research paper to write. I search literature, I made sense of the theory and application to my teaching. I felt so "run out of time", as when I began doing this, I find myself only two weeks left to complete this. Then I realised I have to set exam papers for my two modules, apart from the normal two lectures I gave weekly, so it does felt a little nervous. The written submissions needed a lot of concentration and focus, so I told myself, "let's work early in the morning then, be motivated, get up early, be a early riser", and I did that, woke up often about 3.30 or 4 am to work, it works. I kept telling myself, focus, focus, focus, there is a time and place to do anything, let's not get distracted, even with lecturing on the same day, I put them aside. I end up preparing my lecture 48 hours before. It is a bit rush, but it forced me to get on with it and get it done! then calmly, I presented myself in the lecture.

One week before I hand in my written submission, I felt ill. I am sure it is from the foodstuff I took. I began to feel a bit of sore throat. I stop going for my regular swims, and I took time to recover from it, taking things slightly easily, though still going to lecture, give lecture in my hoarse voice, off and on feeling feverish, but I got on, woke up still at early hour to continue writing my written submission on teaching and keep my thoughts flowing to tell a good story. At times, I put things aside and I meditate, keeping a cool head then focus myself back, telling myself take one at a time.  I didn't feel I cannot do task though. It is just too many things crowded all at once. It needs a bit of taking a step back before moving forward again, off and on, it comes and go. It is the sort of strategy I used to keep myself alive on creating and telling the story. It's the working of the mind.

I saw my boss on the day of submitting the written submission. I told her that, I wrote 10000 words for that, and she was a little shocked, but then I said to her, after all that it still felt good because it made sense. The whole story came through. I am also learning something from it, about my teaching and all that, except that if it is given more time, it could be a bit more relaxed. So, that was it. I completed that final submission and handed it in. So, was that heaven or hell in the process? I like to think it is heaven, but it was a created one. You have to earn that and it does not come free. I did feel like hell I was in with all other deadlines and work all coming at once.

If you believe in after life, and believe in hell and heaven, then even in hell (for whatever reason you go there), you can still get to heaven. Make an effort, do something, you will get there. It's a state of mind, it's not what happen out there, it's in you, your conscious mind working for you. You can work on it, work it well, why not do it while you still can, get prepared, get ready and think beyond. :D