Foothold

When I was not communicating with my inner world, I found myself losing on my foothold. No mater how well I deal with the outside world, "something" remains missing and it seems that the wider the gap expands, the more stress it adds on. However, the process of filling that gap is an interesting one and worth the effort to find that out.

I continue looking for the "flow" in my daily life, which is quite a challenge to do so in the first semester of the University's calender, as I came to realise that, the relatively heavier workload for this semester actually is the source that distort that "flow", so I must get that back. A little rule that I used to restore the flow is to make sure, amidst the busy schedules at work, I made sure I fulfil all of them in satisfying fashion of an acceptable quality based on my own standard.

Today, an incident while swimming reinforce the importance of 'communicating with my inner world' in me. Lately, swimming didn't feel quite well 'flown'. I had a bit of a "bad back" and that hurts when you try to catch the breath to float when you swam. I sorted that out a while back, by going back to my basic mediation technique, focusing on my breathing. Today's incident was a different one because I no longer has the 'bad back' problem. It was, however, I rushed to swim fast, and that lost all the fun for me, and more so when there was also another swimmer in the lane, and that urge me more. As I didn't quite feel my momentum like in my usual swim, I was urgent to want to move quick and it didn't work.

Then, I started to focus on my speed and pace and forgot about the other swimmer. As I found my "comfort zone", which was me swimming slower than normal, I stick to it. I go with the flow and let myself go slow, and when later it became clear that should be my foothold, I gripped it hard and I was in control, I began to swim in an acceptable pace, which gradually became faster and faster. I was amazed by this rather unique "self-discovery" experience which was a bit of a personal growth for me, and should have an impact on me, whenever I  looked into myself in my 'inner world', looking for that much needed foothold.

Silent Stress

Smooth and clean breathing drains out all the stress, little by little....

I didn't feel "quite well" for a while since the first semester began beginning of October. We all have what we meant by 'don't feel quite well'. For me, "not feeling well" is when I sense 'things don't flow'. When things flow, I feel good. For things to flow, I have to feel the 'good flow' mainly from the 'quality of the breathing'. This then brought me good vibes, which could easily feel and connect to it because it will be all around you in the air.

I came to the knowledge I was "under stress" after my chat with Kim, a student who came to see me during the 'meet the tutees' week. Kim is a Spanish student from Gibraltar, which happen still to be a British Colony. Kim rejoined Loughborough from Newcastle University. She told me she loved sport and wanted a different university's experience. I began to find Kim engaging, perhaps because of her interesting background. She grew up in a British Colony and being a foreigner, travelling this far, she would have to be even more adaptable than other students from the home country. When Kim told me she would be representing the university in the cross-country competition and would be training quite regularly. I cannot agree more. I told her constant training is not only good for the practise, but help her to become more organised. She can, for example, plan for her studies surrounding with her training schedules, so that she would have her studies in place.

I shared with her about the focus of exercise I did in my daily life. The importance of it lies in the fact that constant daily exercises, walking, swimming, etc, are like built-in stabiliser because this help drains out unnecessary stress in daily life. When I shared with her about that, and then when later I thought back, I actually found myself under stress, but not to my knowledge. How ironical is that! What an interesting way to find out that I am under stress. Stress is so silent! It didn't speak a word and it is creepy! I then realized, when I am under stress, the quality of breathing can't even be made better while swimming. It seems that smooth and clean breathing is a channel to drain out all the stress.

The breath in and breath out process eases some built-in stresses and help clear the mind to make it focused. It is also quite likely that when one was under stress, it lost out on its focus and it felt like 'all over the place' for most things and this only add-on to more stress. Surely, we cannot expect life to be a smooth sailing voyage. Ups and downs in life are good, as it gives us opportunity to re-charge, which helped us to become better and stronger and keeping up with life's frequently changing momentum.

Experimenting 'Less is more"

"Feel it. Experiment it. internalized it."

The following poem written by Leon Basin, was titled as 'Life with Tao and Zen"

Fight without fighting
Learn without learning
Experience with the experience
Worth trying
Worth feeling
Worth denying
And worth killin’
Ego that binds us
Do not erase it
Hold it from overtaking you
Simplicity of no words can describe on how to go about it...

I like this poem because in a similar way, it seems to be what 'less is more' is meant to be. i.e., without doing 'too much'. The use of words, "fight" versus "fighting"; "learn" versus "learning". The continuous tenses of those words appear to imply a sense of actions or activities, which is unnecessary because fighting and learning happen all the times in us. It just happens and it is the way it is.

Ego forms the source of all the "actions". The truth is, there needs not be any 'action" and also no need to erase the existence of those 'actions'. It would be just enough to simply 'hold it' and not being taken over by it. We just need to practice some awareness

And yes, we can try feeling, denying or even doing all we can to kill the egos, but we cannot 'forget' it or erase it because it is there. I think, like water, ego in us should flow, that is why it is still worth trying or be experimental about it to feel it for yourselves, that way you could make it useful/constructive for you. Have fun!

The last weekend

"How much is the price of jealousy....."

I just finished watching ITV's 3-part drama, "The Last Weekend" by Blake Morrison. I had read the novel and obviously not knowing who Mr Blake was prior to that and then realized some of his novels were made into TV drama. "The Last Weekend" is classified as a psychological thriller. These days, whenever you see 'thriller' as a genre in book or in movie, it normally cannot get away dealing with death, fight or killing. Indeed, the story involved all that.

"The Last Weekend" is set in a rather nice gathering of two couples in a country-house over a bank holiday weekend. It brought out the characters of Ian and Ollie, where their "rivalry" slowly uncovered, which dated back to their school's days. Some reviews of Blake Morrison's novel have been about his clever design on the use of an unreliable narrator to connect and tell the story to the reader. Traditionally, it is in the habit of the reader to believe whatever the narrator said and the messages he tried to convey, but not for this one. In the novel, Ian is the unreliable narrator. You slowly realised, some of the events were not as what it seemed on the surface and certainly Ian himself is the source of the problem, rather than others where he put the blame on. The drama put the setting in the same place, in a rather unusual style, it also continues with Ian as the narrator, connecting the events and the storyline. At times, it felt like a docu-drama, but later it began to make sense towards the end, in that, he is all the while in his own defend of what happened subsequently to Ollie and his wife.

Ian might appear like a nutter, but I have sympathy for him. The reader and the audience won't be able to know how much of the events and the people he described are truly the way they are, because they were all seen through his eyes and he could be biased. Even so, it is clear that he was still very much in love with Ollie's wife, Daisy, in which he claimed he had known her first before Ollie. In the story, we can also see Ian and his Emily are both of a lower social class than Ollie and Daisy. It is interesting and not sure if this is the idea that the author is trying to convey that much of the 'jealosy' of Ian about Ollie is due to these two reasons. To be fair, being human, we are able to feel either envious or jealous about people. It's how we deal with it that matters. The story built on Ian's jealousy of Ollie as the main storyline. His obsession with Daisy as another. The weekend, which is the last the two couples spent together, is where Ian's jealousy grew to the utmost and leads to undesirable consequence which in the end, lose him Ollie, Daisy and his wife, Emily.

Taking a step back, if we were to 'simulate' the lifestyle of Ian. This means, taking a different look at Ian and his likely lifestyle. Ian could be quite a decent bloke. It is only his 'darkside' that needs managing. If I were Ian, I would be more aware of that and I would move away from it because I know that won't be nice and would affect people. This means I will see less of Ollie and his wife or try not getting 'too involved'. Yes, it will be hard on the friendship, but we do made choices in life, don't we? I often like to see the way forward as best as possible. If any drama or novel that could be "educational" as well as "entertaining", it would serve useful purpose. The novel, being a novel, seems to have portrayed other characters to be "overly nice". But in real life, they need not be because some inappropriate sexual gesture of Ian on Daisy, which started off quite early on, should have been violently stopped, but it didn't. Therefore, perhaps the story is also helping the readers/audiences to be aware about people like that around, and to avoid them as much as possible.This may be a minor point, but I still think is important.

Deep, Deeper and Deeper Still

 ".. Meditation slows down your thoughts..."

Not all admit that we do have a 'darkside' in us. I would have thought this should not affect anyone too much. It is only the 'quality' of life that would have an impact. It's whether we want to face it.

Since buying the desktop PC, some traces of thoughts seem to have left in my head, and keep holding me back to re-evaluate this purchase decision. It probably related to the issue of 'value' of the product underlying the price, etc. It's in my sub-consciousness to the extent I cannot get rid of. This purchase experience leads me to believe that what I perceived before and after about my purchase decision should remain consistent. This purchase experience has also helped me understand myself more. I don't want life to be too complicated, that includes technology, which may explain my phobia towards it. Perhaps contentment is built on having things 'just about right', and not being overly 'obsessive', that way we remain as 'ourselves' rather than 'losing' it. Perhaps I just lost myself in my pursue of the 'quality' of PC I was after, which could end up me looking for something more than I need and then overpaid it. This is perhaps someone who prefer or promote a 'minimalist' style of life should avoid? The purchase of this PC gives new insights about my desire on other possible things in my life I am after, and should help with managing expectation in the future.

I want to end my 'attachment' to the thought of this Desktop PC, but how best should I end such thoughts (wasteful thoughts, perhaps?). Today I found an answer. I attended the BK meditation workshop on 'Deep, Deeper and Deeper Still". It discussed few aspects of meditation to help deepen the experience. Some rather insightful messages were conveyed. I especially related to the idea on "acceptance, experience and being' as the three levels of sub-conscious minds likely to take place in us in our daily life. Using the Desktop PC as an example, then I suppose I have now accepted that I perhaps might have overlooked the issue of "quality" in the purchasing process, which should then be something I must remember next time if I were to make similar decision. It reminded me each time my mind rehearse the few events where I had experienced that when thinking to buy the Desktop PC. Now as I began to accept this, it becomes part of me. It is being part of me.

As I dwelt on this a bit deeper, I would imagine meditation could have helped in the process. Meditation slows things down. My buying decision was urgent because my then laptop was broken and I wanted to get a new one quickly. It is true that I can afford to buy it, but still coming to the issue of 'value', now that I think of it, it still needs some consideration. Now that this has happened, I could not turn back the clock, but I should look at the positive side of the Desktop PC. My sub-conscious mind needs to get rid of the 'negative' thinking attached to the PC. Just like what was said during the workshop, "A glass of water, no matter how light, is not the weight, but how long you hold on to it that matters". Indeed, our energy needs to be channelled in the best possible way to help us to feel light and free anytime, in order for us to fight the our inner 'demon'.

Sad Exercise

"You either find yourselves happy or sad by the way you are surrounded by people..."

JS holding his coffee mug with that broken handle, knocking on my office door and came in for a friendly chat. "So, what's up for the weekend?', asked JS. "Well, I probably will go for a swim later, it's my swim day'. I told JS. "Swimming feels like a sad exercise, doesn't it? It just you and you alone, and you can't get any interaction more than that." JS answered.

It's interesting how JS described swimming as a 'sad exercise'. I asked JS if he is a depressive person, which he answered not quite now compared to five years ago. I then told him that I found swimming to be 'reflective'. It helped me focus on my body movement and the use of my strength under water, which often didn't appear as 'straightforward' because each movement used up energy which required breathing in good timing, to help regained breathe for subsequent movement, which for me is 500 meters normally. This certainly means that you could strengthen you muscle through good breathing and body movement coordination. The strengthening of the abs muscle can be achieved by blowing out bubbles (really hard) coming out from that part of the lower body.

After my explanation, JS appeared to be convinced that swimming is not quite a 'sad exercise'. Perhaps being academics, it is only making sense that matter and so at the end of it, JS and I were quite happy that weekend is round the corner and then we bid each other farewell and wish for a good weekend to come.

You either find yourselves happy or sad by people you are surrounded by, either a lot of people, close family members or no one. Every interaction with people can bring joy or pain, even no interaction can do the same. However, every "interaction" (this may be your own thoughts or awareness of your thoughts and your surrounding) with your own self is not sad. Sad exercise (or even sad life)  involves one increasingly not found meaning in the exercise they engaged in (which will lead to failure in continuation after a while). In life, as you get fewer and fewer interactions with people, though this may act as a signal to tell you not to be too isolated and should really get out to see people, the important point is, either by choice or not by choice, there are ways to make good of this. And even when doing exercise, it could also bring you insight and knowledge not many would realise.

Draw, Dig and Daydream

"... are simply doing 'nothing'...."

Having bought my computer and setting it up successfully, I have now one task off the list and can focus on other aspect of my "work life balance" issue. I guess I still like being organised, though not necessarily implying to constantly check on the detailed bits and pieces, I do sort things out regularly to make sure I get a bit of control, just like you de-fragmentize your PC, you don't do it everyday, only at interval, to get rid of the 'clutters'.

Today, I cleared up my office desk as I just finished some collaborative research with my colleague. There were piles of papers everywhere, and I need to file them clearly to where they belong, by the topics they represent. I am in need of  space for other work. However, being organised can only help you this much, more importantly, as I move on to other research work, which normally is on a different topics of interest, the continuity of the work spirits needs to be there. As a result, I need to put in a bit more effort to get that 'work spirits' in place and hence, I find myself needing to do more to maintain the work momentum.

I had not been catching up with my favourite blog lists for a while. Today, a random browse brought my attention to "Permission to Putter", which is an article about 'doing nothing', with a different take. "Doing nothing" is a process, not quite a stage of being (since it is also doing, except, doing nothing) The article interestingly suggested some activities that can be engaged to help one 'do nothing'. To me, this is important, as I need to completely "get out of myself" before entering into an entirely different mind set to do research of a different topics. I needed the freshness to help drive inspirations, ideas and creativity. The article suggested draw, dig and daydream to be some of the activities. I can see how these are 'do nothing' activities. They can be carried out randomly and intuitively, rather than 'logically', that way, the mind can rest.

I hope tomorrow I will move nicely into my research with JL, following my updates today, but perhaps I should do 'nothing' first before I began doing those research?

What did I learn from my technology phobia?

"fear is not a fear when you began to make sense of it..."

My laptop of five years has recently gone to heaven. In the past two weeks or so, Obviously, the sensible way is for me to acquire a new computer. It actually took me quite considerable amount of time to decide what model to go for. The harder one was deciding whether to go for a laptop or a desktop PC. I realised I was so used to my 'comfort' zone that the question of 'what if' kept coming up. what if there is some unsolvable problem and especially after the period of warranty, I may have to bring the heavy desktop for repairs. How inconvenient will that be, which made me think perhaps having a laptop would be easier as it is lighter and can be brought anywhere I like. It was my colleague who suggested that a desktop would be more durable than a laptop, which convinced me I should really consider one. Furthermore, a widescreen PC monitor which can accommodate columns and columns of spreadsheets, will help in my research.That gave me another motivation to get a desktop, rather than a laptop, where the screen size is only as large as 17", but it could be about 24" for a desktop computer monitor.

So, I overcome my initial concerns supposedly. And then I kept sourcing for information, which I was so obsessed to want to be perfect. And indeed, I never failed to source for alternative options and compared them to find the best and to make sure I get the best. In a strange way, I have to thank my research skills, I find myself able to pick up information and digest them fairly quickly and of course also the efficient search engine, allowing me to find more information, such as what made a LED PC Screen good quality, apart from energy saving.

In the end, when all have been gathered and coming to decision time, it was hard. The fear of making regretful decision procrastinated my move. More importantly, I wanted to make sure I get my value worth for every penny I spent. In the end, I have to depend on my 13" screen alternative laptop every night while at home, and working at 1GB Ram, It was a real pain. Things didn't feel quite as consolidated and my mind was undecided on the BEST value deal. At times, I even thought about going back to buying a laptop as I was not sure if it would be a good move. There were so many things, the cable, the wiring, the quality of the monitor screen and the space available.

I find that, eventually when I had decided to stick to buying the desktop, the concerns were the same. It was still the widescreen and the durability. I will be paying almost the same price if I go for the laptop, which would not be as durable, and still the desktop has better-graded processor and RAM. Therefore, in the end, I go for the desktop. Clicking those buttons to process the order was another tough job. After that, I began to fear if I would break the PC monitor, not sure if they would be hard to set up, for I know if I bought a laptop, that would not be a problem. I was so afraid it would be a wrong decision. I was so anxious that I searched for the product manual and see it for myself how to set up the PC monitor, which I was then convinced that it would be fine.

Now as I typed this blog post on my new computer, I can say I have no regret with my choice. In fact, I even got an exchange from John Lewis because I told them the sound quality was not good for that earlier version of the HP desktop I bought, and I wanted to exchange to another cheaper HP desktop model, with a supposedly "preferred sound quality" (hehe!). In the end, it's a good deal. With a processor of intel i7-2640, running at 6GB RAM and a 23" IPS Panel LED PC monitor, that comes with 3 cable ports, and paying in total about £700 (after deducting vouchers and discounts), what can I still complain about, especially I also have two years guarantees for my desktop PC and five years warranty for the LED PC monitor.

So, what has "technology phobia" taught me? I think phobia surrounds each and every comfort zone that contains you. What let you out of there, is your visualisations of your phobia and your making sense of them. Researching information is mean to an end, aiming at making sense. And fear is no more a fear when you began to make sense of it. What's left is a bit of courage and belief in yourself to move just ONE more step to make THAT decision, bearing in mind that, though nothing would likely remain as perfect, it is only a matter of tolerance, which I hope I don't have to bear too soon.

My introverts Experience (3) (The End)

"..... It's the identity that gives introverts the source of strength to fulfil those dreams....."
 
"That woman is a bitch," said Nathaniel, who sat next to me in the plane. He was sharing with me about his family problem, detailing his parents divorced and falling apart, with his mother living with him and his father with the "bitch", It felt a bit different now that I am reasonably "qualified" to "guide" the youngster on similar family experience.  Nathaniel, who is only 20 year old, appeared quite open minded, however, and willing to share, perhaps due to his young age. I do enjoy my chat with him in this long journey. I saw that he was quite receptive and that made me open up to him about my similar ezperience. I told me that I had sought counselling help while I was 18 or 19 year old, and what's worse and hard to bear was for you to realise later in life that, things were a lot worse than originally thought to be. Understandably in situaitons like his or mine, it is easy to think that life coming to end too soon and hard to live. Yet, it should not stop one to puruse one's interests and why not. It is hard, especially if family problems become a potential distraction. I can see Nathaniel to be a potential introverts given that he shared a common interest with me, i.e., writting.

I can see that "writing" has served some useful purposes for him in helping him "describing his ownself". I added and I shared with him, how writing had helped me. It cleared my mind, It had helped me remove "chunks" of "thoughts" out of my "crowded mind" as I put down my thoughts in writing, which helps me see things in newer perspectives. More importanly, I stressed to him the importance of dream for someone with "dyfunctional family" upbringing. That is, it helped them find an identtity. If interruptions set in, like in his case or in mind, we found the "deviation" early on, and slowly we detached from the families and lost ourselves, It added to the vinuerability and potentially could turn us from bad to worse. If succeeding your dream is hard, then under situation like this, finding one's dream to pursue is even harder. Because you can't focus, you are too distracted. Like Nathaniel, he appeared like a talented young guy. He can write lyrics, poems, play guitars and even do consuelling for younger kids at school. However, he seems not sure which one to pursue in the long term. If one needs to fail, it's better early than later. Following your heart only meant you were honest and still not meant things would become easy. We always must give it some times for things to materialise and take shape. Thati s so much I can share with Nathaniel or implied to him.

I reflected upon what I said to Nathaniel and found that the greatest challenge for an introvert is in fact to find the identity. I felt weaker not having one, and more so coming from the family upbringing. I was forced to find my identity elsewhere. Perhaps not being a relative extrovert, where central focus of strength comes from people they actively engaged in, the "identity" or the "self-concept" becomes very important for an introvert and for it to be found. But, once this is found, there will be no going back, and everything that moved will be to the future, where the strength of the introvert will slowly emerge in the process of fulfiling those dreams.

My Introvert Experience (2)

Do you think you are more of an Introvert or Extrovert?
I think the relatively introvert or extrovert personalities could be nurtured. However, I guess there is a base for everyone, which then broadly defines one's extent of introversion or extroversion. The environmental factors then force one to act either inwardly or outwardly, and hence deepened or reinforced the existing effects. Then you may become more extrovert or more introvert. For me, I think I tend to be more introvert than extrovert.

How does that introversion developed over the year?
It all began in the family since young (and then perhaps that extend out later to social situation with friends at school, etc). The environment had a big impact on me. One distinctively different feature about an introvert is that, they "think then act or speak". I guess for me, I may have thought too deeply and too much, and I just could not speak or act appropriately, because those inputs that enter my thinking system confused me. For example, since young I have always confused why my mom kept asking me to ask my dad to give up his bad habits of drinking and gambling, because if that is the case, why my mom wanted to marry my father and what made her think that if she can't do that, me as a kid (8 or 9 year old then) would be able to do so. Family is an interesting situation to observe group dynamics and people interaction. I had tried playing roles of all and failed all of them, perhaps I had thought too much and hence often end up "acting" at the wrong time. In particular, I was not good at managing others' people anger. When two people fight, I found it so powerless to turn them around. My mom was angry with my dad because of his problem and my second brother always became angry after my mom was angry with my dad, because my second brother was sympathetic about my mom. I only had gently told him once, "don't get angry when mom is angry". I still didn't think he get it. Anyway, that's quite a typical introvert of me, think a lot, and then act or speak at the wrong time and perhaps using incorrect strategy.

If being introvert means "you think a lot", and looks like the family was quite a mess, were you depressed at all?
Now I think of it. It's true to some degrees that "thinking a lot" HURTS! This is because you didn't get a chance to let it out and you become so self-absorbed. One weakness of being an introvert is the inability to clear up conflict, given the bad experience with people who are mostly angry, it freak me even more thinking about clearing up conflict. I, however, don't think I was clinically depressed. I found a world of my own when I started to write. I picked up writing a diary at the age of 13. I found a place to express myself. I found an outlet. At times, I do found I was depressed but I soon "bound back". Being an introvert also helps me here because it helped me "detach" and learnt not to take things too hard or personally. This is because as I take a step back, I move back even more to be an introvert, and I began to feel a sense of peace and hence prevented me to be further affected by other people's (other family members) negative emotions. The fact I started to write diary helps me in a big way and give space to my thinking capacity and spaces. I don't think it is a strength issue that I am able to cope this, rather it is a coping technique (therefore this can be LEARNED, rather than STRENGTH which is like underlying in the personalities). Precaution is better than cure and that is why despite having a rather crowded mind at times, I never feel I was depressed or mentally ill at all.

Given a choice, do you like to be more of an introvert or extrovert?
I actually quite envy being an extrovert. They seem so fearless. I can easily spot a couple of colleagues who are of this type personalities and observing the way they talk and behave at meeting, I wish I could have some of their qualities. They are also often so fast, sharp and alert to react, and never fail to impress and with an air of effortlessness. While these are all true, but who knows yourselves better than you do. Over the years, as you learnt more about your weakness, strength. What you see and envied in others that are so-called extrovert qualities no longer becomes important. You accepted the ways you are and you are okay with it because you can equally achieve what the extrovert can achieve, with only just a little different in the impact and it does not matter because it is all about YOU. Therefore, I would be happy to be either, introvert or extrovert as both have their strengths. It is how to exploit them to bring out the BEST to serve your purpose in life.

My Introvert Experience (1)

".. these are just observed human behaviors, which can always be reclassified in different ways."

There is something that occupied my mind in the past few days and I found hard to make logical sense of it. It was an article about introverts that I read. I just could not make up if I were more introvert or extrovert. I seem to exhibit both signs at different occasions. I could, however, associate with quite a number of points raised by Ms Marti Laney on her blog on coping with being introverts. For example, I don't talk a lot during meeting at work, yet, I could not engage long term letter writing to large extent to keep a friendship (that explain why I could not make friend easily on facebook if I had not known them in person before) I need occasional meet ups to feel real, and this is quite an extrovert trait.

According to the book, The Introvert Advantage, only 25% of the people are introverts and if so, then that explain why there is always an interesting focus on this group of people, In fact, there is even a book about "The Introverted Leader", showing how much this group of people had intrigued both writer and readers leading to development of general interest.

It is interesting how the human mind process information and stimuli they received when they took in information. Being introverts or extroverts will process and took in information differently with different effects on them. I am thinking that we are all borne into a human body that has memories of its own, in which we have no choice, but we have control, control how we want to react and act upon. However,  introverts and extroverts are observations by Carl Jung about human behaviours. And human being is just too complex to have simply one way of classification. Therefore, if we relate all behaviours to the root, which should be the working of the mind, and where the maintenance of a peaceful mind could often be helpful (through meditation, for example) and can help one to be happy and build strong healthy self-esteem which sometimes introverts suffer. This obviously could slowly address some of the weaknesses issues appropriately, without having to feel "let down" because we are introvert. That way, extrovert or introvert will all be on equal footing or strictly speaking, no longer relevant, as it will be the mind that we are all focused on and make the best of it for us all.

A Value-Added Life (3) (The end)

"...removing wasteful thoughts..." 

I went to a "Positive Thinking" course recently and was introduced to the concept of "wasteful thought". Natalie, the speaker, spoke about four different types of thoughts we would daily engage in. These are, ordinary, positive, negative and wasteful thoughts. Example of wasteful thought include spending too much time of one's look in front of the mirror. Personally, I find positive and negative thinking are our responses to outcomes in life. Wasteful thoughts are instances where we are in a situation where we "over-indulged" unnecessarily. One other example will be spending too long on the bed, or some may say, waking up slowly (Obviously, we should not take life that seriously, but let's admit it, we overdo it sometimes).

The classification of these thoughts made it interesting and also easier for one to discuss its impact further. There are ways to deal with negative thoughts, as was discussed in the session. However, little was said about wasteful thoughts. I asked Natalie how should we go about reducing wasteful thoughts. She said it should be all down to our observation, which I totally agree. It looks like the central idea about observation could achieve a few things at the same time. This includes not only converting negative thoughts into positive, but also reduce the impact of wasteful thoughts.

Putting aside positive and negative thoughts, wasteful thoughts are less obvious and talked about. The perception of what is wasteful and why and how this should be removed was also not obvious. The fact that when a thought become "wasteful" give enough rationale and motivation for one to want to remove it. This certainly has an effect of "adding value"..However, coming to the conclusion about "something" being "wasteful" needs some efforts. It can only be achieved if we practise constant "observation" and being awareness as much as possible in our daily life.

How much do we waste? what have we wasted and still wasting? are we doing something about this? Does this affect us to considerable extent?Big questions, but address appropriately should "add values" to one's life. Enough on this topics, I should end this here, with those questions as food for thoughts to the readers to think about later.


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A Value-Added life (2)

What is the difference between "value" and "value-added" life?
Well, "value" is like a stock concept. It is a belief. It can be as simple as bargain hunting or going IT craze and become addicted to latest technology. The older generation may believe in how their parents brought them up is the right way to bring up kids and hence practise that on their own kids and so impose "value" on their kids the way they were being imposed. "value-added" is marginal. It is still about sticking to what one believes, but this has an additional edge to it, in that it "adds value", rather than impose or enforce it. When "value" is added, it normally serve a purpose like making things better and hence reinforced one's belief.

Can "value" be "too much of a good thing"
It certainly can. Bargain hunting can go the wrong way. IT techie addicts could find themselves ending up getting stuff they won't want it or getting tired too soon or finding problem they hadn't realised. I just had some bad experience while bargain hunting the other day, and ending up, unfortunately, finding myself to be overlying "careful" and missing out on "good bargain deal". We want our "value" to work for us, but in the end, it works against us and not "adding value". There is, of course, things to take away from the failure experience. Looking forward, there is obviously no time to waste, and so must learn the lesson and ensuring the next time not to repeat the same mistakes while bargains hunting.

Will "value" bias the way we see things? if so, how best to reduce the bias?
Values that were imposed/enforced on us made us believe the "values" are important and "workable", without making us further experiment or explore the likelihood that it would work. Our parenting style may be referenced from how we were brought up by our parents, for example. Bargain hunting tendency, like the way I did it, may prevent me from seeing the possibility of pursuing a "better quality" lifestyle that I could in fact, afford to do so. I may, however, argue that I enjoy a simple lifestyle and content with the simplest things, making it all the worthwhile to go for bargain. Still, this does not mean the "value"doesn't bias me.

If the bias (arising from having "value") cannot be minimised, what then is the rationale of having "value"?
I guess there is no one value that will "rule the world" simply because we are not perfect. We only do the best we can after all. What's importance is to develop a sense of awareness and observation, to the extent that only if we are clear about why and how a certain value is beneficial, then we pursue it. Value has to come from within and then strengthened and reinforced after testified by challenges, like the failure of bargain hunting that I had experienced. Hopefully, upon reflection, it will help to make it better the next time round. Then, the more we practised, the more this will "add value" to our life. That is how "value" will contribute to a "value-added" life though both concepts are different, in my opinion, as explained above.

A Value-Added life (1)

".... This could be a bargain-hunting activity...."

There are so many examples surrounding us are about value-added. This blog if going to be left "empty", with no updates will not be value-added anymore. I like to think the blog is an "outcome" of the state of life I am in. It does not mean how often I wrote (though I was quite "active" in the earlier period of writing the blog), it is what I wrote that "add value". Value-adding can be contributing to seeing new perspective on certain issues that I missed out in the past. Such continued search for "value" ensure I am always on the "look out" for new "experience" and "encounter".

"value" can also be taken to mean "belief". For example, western value, eastern value, etc. If certain thing add "values", this implies that I reinforced the belief and obviously, I feel good about it. So what is a good example of "value-added" activity? Bargain Hunting is one, I am sure, at least for me. It is hard to understand the rationale why this is so. But the thrill of "saving" makes one feel is a "big deal". This ranges from a few pence to a few pounds. Yes, it is a "belief" so it is a "value", it reinforced what you believed and you are simply "practising what you believing in".

We can always create new "value" based on our "belief". This should be, for example, about hobbies we choose to do, book we choose to read, music we choose to listen. Yes, you made a conscious effort to feel, sense and internalising them and you made a choice. I recently found I am a fan of Mozart piano, simply because it relaxed my mind to large extent. It felt as if my mind was being massaged by the rhyme of the piano music. It felt like I am being gentle touched, if I consciously (and relaxingly) following the piano keys from one to another, indulging myself totally in the world of Mozart. I just loved it.

At the end of the day, it is about "reaching out" and "discovery". Whether this involves people or not, it does not matter. It could be a very personal experience as simple as reading a good book, which is enough to take you a ride into an adventurous world that is waiting for you patiently out there. There are many things your mind and your senses can do to create wonder for you.You just have to discover them! :D

Sex Addicts in Shame!

"... there was an air of persistent unspoken sadness...."

"Shame" is strictly a tragic movie. It is about a man and his sister who seemingly suffer from obsession with sex, or sometimes what people termed as "sex addiction".Michael Fassbender, who played the lead role gives a convincing performance portraying someone with an obsession for sex.

"Shame" touched on the rather taboo topic (perhaps not now, where you can easily find people talk about it, just search on Google, wherever you are, you find loads of discussions). One cannot, of course, not mentioned about how the sex scenes are played out. The excellent skills and editing of the director successfully describe what went on in the mind of a potential sex addict. The opening scene of Brandon (played by Michael Fassbender) watching a stranger in the crowded underground, with the eye-contact passing subtle messages was well captured and conveyed, leading to further pursue that was unsuccessful, portrayed the darkest desire for sexual needs in the most impossible place.

The film focused on the present moment, going great length to describe the life of sex addict without touching on the past too much (it was known in the movie that Brandon and his sister where left damaged by their childhood, which was never completely revealed in the movie), and yet not letting viewers finding this incomplete, because you do find there were moments of humanity where the characters were brought back to their pasts and they respond to it. You don't know what's in the past, but you can see they are affected by it. It was all very intense and moving. Some sex scenes were hard to watch simply because they were just illustrations of obsessions. Putting aside the nakedness and explicit exposure of the scenes, it was the facial expressions that said it all. You can see these were all very enforced and struggle within were written all over the face. There was also an air of persistent unspoken sadness in the atmosphere throughout the movie.The beautiful background soundtrack (by Harry Escott) also successfully enhanced the atmospheric effect.

Michael Fassbender was good in the movie because he skilfully uses body language, eye-contact and facial expressions to convey messages. It was the visit of his sister, Sissy, played by Carey Mulligan that interrupted his routine of pursue with sexual obsession, which then leads to the uncover of this rather abnormal desire in front of the viewers and eventually brought him to some degrees of awareness (I won't give it away how all this happen).

The last scene was classic. It brought the viewers back to how it gets started, the crowded underground again. This time, a stranger sensing Brandon to be "a potential", stood up from her seat, sensually hold on to the bar waiting for Brandon to do the same, but this time, Brandon just sat there, stared at her blankly. It could be the start of Brandon being aware of the problem he faced, his darkside or it could be Brandon simply "playing game". I like to think it is the former because that scene reminded me what I wrote the other day about the darkside, i.e., Acknowledging the darkside, not fighting and evoking it, but gently guiding it with awareness. Maybe that way, it felt more hopeful

The effect of the darkside 3 (The end)

" Walking with the darkside, that is within you..."

Ever since I wrote about my "darkside", I have been through some reflections because I felt a bit "disturbed" (perhaps I like a bit of challenge?). It has helped me gain my resistance back. It helped me to become "strong" again. Actually I read an article after written that "darkside", It is from a website that talk about "acknowledging the dark side of human nature". Something written on the site appeals to me (though I don't buy into 100% what the site wrote about. I much prefer to find my own path and build my knowledge base). It says, "The brighter the light, the darker the shadow. Everything has a shadow side. If you don’t see the shadow of a person, you don’t see the person and are blinded by idealisation. If you don’t see your own shadow, you are in denial, and will project your shadow onto others." Let me break that statement down into few parts and see if it make sense to you.

"If you don’t see the shadow of a person, you don’t see the person and are blinded by idealisation" How true that is! How often do we find a "certain mystery" in a person that seems "unexplainable" and how many times did you feel you are distant with the person, and no wonder best friends are sometimes those who know your darkest side (for example, secrets) and accepted them and still treated you as a good friend. Idealisation is similar to a state of perfection. What shows on the surface could therefore be potentially misleading.

"If you don’t see your own shadow, you are in denial, and will project your shadow onto others." There is no need to dig others' darksides, it is, however, important for one to be aware and to admit there is one within us. Denying that, you may subconsciously impose upon others, with consequences that may be undesirable. I supposed I had done that based on my encounter with the speaker the other day.

When I was little about 8 or 9 year old, I think. I remembered one early morning about 5 or 6 am. I went jogging all by myself on a quiet route all in total darkness with no street lighting. I told my uncle after that what I did. He was impressed, thinking I will "go far!. I am not sure  if I had gone far by now, but I am certain that experience at the time, really made me face my fear, and battle with it and then overcome it. Perhaps I have an emotionally "self-inflicting" personality, but I suppose I like to challenge my darkside. It is within me, but I want to walk with it. I gave myself opportunity to fight it, but now i know something. Acknowledging the darkside, not fighting and evoking it, but gently guiding it with awareness, should be the key. With that, I finished my three parts post on the darkside.

The effect of the darkside 2

Do you have a darkside?
Yes, I do and It only emerged yesterday.

What was that darkside about?
We had a speaker yesterday in the School. That academic happened to be a former student from Aberdeen, whom I found to be a bit pushy and clingy when she was trying to do her PhD. However, she was also very good in getting things her way and get it done in the end, which explain why in the end she funded herself and finished the PhD and get to where she is today.She remains my "darkside" due to those moments where she becomes "clingy" and "pushy" which didn't quite affect me at the time, but it could get worst. She was introduced by other colleagues to give a seminar here. She appears likable, but not someone I like to get any closer.

How do you get over that "darkside"
Well, I didn't deliberately want it to go away. That thought just lingered on in my head. I just didn't feel comfortable seeing her presence around, just a feeling that I don't want to relate to her in any way. Being a host, she was brought around to see our colleagues for friendly introduction. She did came to my office and had a chat. All that we chat about was whatever that happened at Aberdeen. A  bit of a gossipping, which I found fun at times, but not a lot. She did most of the talking, so I just listened. She appeared to be a bit self-pitying over her experience at Aberdeen, and think I may feel the same, but i was not. However, she still not the person I want to relate to too much. At some points in the chat, she was saying about her external examiner for her PhD, mentioned the name, which I  knew already and she said she was working on a paper with him. I said to her, yes good, work with famous people, and I added, perhaps you know this already. Then she went on to say about how nice some of the elderly colleagues, how fatherly they are, etc. On our way out of the office, she was saying about keeping in touch and link and network, which honestly I was not too keen. And she said perhaps I could go to her university to give a paper or something, which I immediately replied I need to write paper, giving her two messages, either I am not free for these meaningless activity or I don't have anything yet to make presentation. Just let her decide which one she want to believe. So in the end, I just deal with the "darkside" naturally, when times come for me to do something, I will do it and hit the right time to "send messages", I will do it.

Are there other darksides?
Yes I do. Those hidden darksides accumulated as you grow older. You met people, you interacted with people, you formed relationship with people, conflicts, communication gaps, misunderstandings all lead you to act or react with unexpected or undesirable consequences. At times, it became too hard to explain or sort it out and when moving forward is the only option, these past experiences spillover to your future encounters in similar fashions. You may be "older" and "wiser", but value judgement could always be biased by the emergence of the darksides. It's the living in the now that matters. It does not mean there won't be any struggle, still it is worth it and It adds meaning to your life

If one has so many issues or darksides, especially if it is dealing with people, how would one ever settle down properly in a relationship or friendship.
Yes, it is hard. Such darksides make you cast doubts with people, I supposed. At times, it becomes even harder when you dealt with them online (people you not seen before or not seen for a while), when you didn't see the facial expression when they type the messages, where, saying one things and meaning another could be likely and may confuse people. The effects of doubts of people on relationship was very well demonstrated in As good as it gets, a  movie which I had written a review. I guess what's different in reality is that, some people become single for the rest of their life due to that. It might not be as bad as it seems. This seems like  seeing the light at "the other" end of the tunnel, but not those in a close relationship (which of course I give my full blessing) could understand.

The effect of the darkside 1

 "... perhaps it's time to seek helps.."

I finally finished watching unriddle 2 (最火搭档II), a Singaporean 20-episode psychological and crime thriller. This is one of the best Singapore-produced dramas I had seen in recent years. It precisely integrated the darkside of human nature into the crime story, even the cops themselves must also deal with their own demon in order to solve mysterious murders. I love the plot simply because it built upon one after another following the death of victims, from one to the next. The 20 episode consists of three different murders all under the plan of the same mastermind. I like the sequence of the events that took place, without giving too much away and then hold the appetite of the viewers, who definitely would want to keep following the story.

There were murderers, rapists, pimp and other "underground" characters in the drama. But, you found they lived "normal" life. Therefore, a rapist could go shopping. Raped victims could face up, be strategic and plan their moves to seek revenge. Being a primp does not necessarily you would be a bad person, you can be kind-hearted too. It seems people we see day in day out, strangers waiting for traffic light or colleagues in the workplace could have their own darkside, their demon to face every minute and second, yet on the surface, they can look so normal. The believability of the characters in the drama is another appeal.

It seems the ways some of the victims dealt with their darkside often leads them to their own death, which is quite sad. There were a brother and his sister both borne to a family of kidnappers in the drama. And they were tortured since young, including raped and beating, very disturbing and even more so when the sister was deaf and mute. This was definitely hard to bear in real life, and supposed this is so, how would one face that. I guess one would either learn to hate or learn to love, as one grew up. The brother often related their present experiences to  their past life and claimed it is a punishment for them by the way they were treated by the parent. True to some extent, but it could not lead to killings of the parent in the end. I can only say it is the emergence of the darksde that took them over, but also the survival instinct. It is, of course, a bit of a dramatisation, but it could also be possible in reality.

How should we deal with our darkside then? I guess the key is to live in the now, a rather cliche way of putting it, but effective one. I love the lead role hu xiaoman, played by Rui En (瑞恩), a cop who was very much disturbed by her problematic father, which often mixed with hatred and anger, leading to her overly reacted to suspects and leading to some deaths among some of them. She showed the struggle to strike a balance between living in the now and the past (i.e., the psychological time) and at times confused her judgements and end up making the wrong decision and causing the death of the suspects. We should be aware about how our darkside could affect us and others that lived with us. I guess if we could not get rid of it and it hocked on us emotionally, then we are being dragged to the past that stucked us in a vicious circles. Then, perhaps that's the time to seek some professional help.

Feed-forward

"It keeps my mind alive..."

A friend on facebook posted an interesting article about "habit, routine and integration" which I had enjoyed reading, and which brought me to think of my experience of developing and keeping good habits in life, such as blogging, which was not doing too well recently. It's been quite empty for a while since the last post beginning of March 2012. I actually evaluated about blogging lately, not that I wanted to give it up, rather seeking an identity to be related and associated with, as in asking again the question, what purpose it served and how it represents me. Yes, this blog is about listing down observation and reflecting about life, but it must be more than that. I supposed I am re-thinking about the motivation of blogging.

I have been observing lately my mentality when I was not blogging. I sense that my observations slowed down and my awareness became weak too. There is of course certain degree of focus when I was at work. But it lacks a degree of continuity after work. It became a bit listless and aimless after hours, as if waiting for tomorrow to come and start my work again.This certainly didn't enrich my life and become meaningless later.

Though i didn't blog as much, I keep up with my meditation's practices, which I found myself to have made some progress. I made a trip down to the Raj Meditation session on Tuesday evening and once again fascinated by Natalie's inspiring speech about keeping calm and peaceful. I then remembered she said before that meditation is sometimes like a re-charge. There must be something one can attain out of meditation and this good feeling feed-forward to our daily life and in turn this supports our meditation practice and make it better for our well-being.

I am beginning to think blogging can bring me this good and yet different impact. Now that I had a chance to "live without blogging for a while", and as I reflected upon the "non-blogging" days, it made sense to see blogging as a form of re-charge too. It is becoming more and more believable. If writing a blog is the outcome of my daily observing and reflecting, then it keeps my mind alive, apart from being peaceful. This certainly has the positive "feed-forward" effect, just like meditation. The mind is a world of its own and certainly it can be enhanced and be enriched, it's the quality of the observing and reflecting, and of course, the blogging that matters. This seemed to make sense.

I am focusing again

".... my mind was wandering all over the place..."

I was not "feeling too well" in the past weeks. Something was "blocking" the way in my thoughts. I could not get rid of it entirely. I was not flowing. It just kept lingering about there in the head. It is not depression. I did feel I can function well and fine. I thought maybe it is work loads, and to be honest, there were some "loads" recently.

I know for sure I will "get there" because I have been there and feel that sense of  "freedom" before. I guess it is a feeling that I lose touch with myself. It felt lost. Work goes on as usual. I felt that I could enjoy a bit more, but I didn't. I still carry out tasks as per normal. My work hours were quite flexible in this second semester, and I only teach 2 hours a week. In fact, I worked from home two times a week.

I swam as usual, but it felt more of a routine than an engagement. The feeling of involvement was not there. I sense that something is missing. I then try and "do nothing", i.e., meditate. My mind was wandering all over the place when I try to do that. After a few practises it comes back to it's "normal behaviour", i.e., it settled down and it began to observe again. I then become more aware of what's in me. It helps me to look into the "issues" more in details. At the end of it, it is still the "focus" issue that haunts me all the time. It seems that it is the workload that is the "root cause". I guess I become a little drained and wanted the pace of work to be a bit slowed down (but thankfully, it is all about research related workload, not teaching) and just felt a little restless, especially having the thoughts of having to do the work over the weekends, it's felt like an daunting tasks.

As I then began to indulge in addictive computer games just to escape those "daunting tasks", which does not help at all on focusing one's attention, it only made matters worse. As I slowly took a step back, I began to see the issues better and have gained baby step success in resolving them. I guess I must now monitor how meditation helps me with my daily life. I may be easily disturbed by external environment, but somehow managed to find my focus back. I am sure this will happen again, but the point is to put meditation in the picture and learnt to see how it helps in the process. I am sure the more I practised "focusing", the more I will carry on meditating or see how this will help me with my  life. Going on at this pattern, hopefully one day, meditation will become integrated into my daily routine and become a very good habit that will come naturally and effortlessly each time I want to do it.

The Karma of kind people

"... only blocks the way forward..."

It will be easier if the world only consists of "good" and "bad" people. It is complicated, however. Many a time,  a lot of people actually fall in between the "good" and the "bad". It then made human relation interesting  when we are not too sure how "good" or "bad" other people are. Have you had this experience, in that you "over-react" simply because you are a "kind" person and because you weren't sure of other people "intention" or "motive" and in the end you realise your assumption was wrong. I guess this sort of experience taken place in people life.

If you are a "kind" person or what some friends had subjectively claimed, you may then raise your defencive bar when dealing with people, especially if you had been "bullied" before. I don't think there is a one size fits all solution to this. But, do you believe that even kind people can have Karma? I considered this as the price to play for lesson learnt for the consequence of our behaviour. When we can't cure a situation , we accept and bear the consequence, in the future this "past" will become an experience and taught us how to devise preventive measures to avoid same thing to happen again.

Such life lesson becomes an important tool for future reference. People attract people, how we act, react and response all determine the consequence we get with people. The more we learnt  from our experience (arising from the consequence we have to bear), the more we gained. As they all said, older and wiser, that is quite true. Over time, we learned more, we bear lesser undesirable consequences. Of course, those who never learnt from their life experience only get worst over time and never get better. Human relation can be so delicate and subtle that even those considered as "kind" or "good-hearted" people could miss one thing or two  when dealing with people. This leads to consequences that just block the way forward for them.

Living life in Anger

"..... perhaps it's time to change job."

Recently, GS was promoted. I was really happy for him. GS is about 8 years younger than me and a bright academic. I often joke with him that, even if he were to waste 8 years of his life time, he would still catch me up. He is already promoted two grades higher than me, how fantastic is that!

Yesterday, I heard GS might leave the job, which I was a little surprised. Hasn't he just recently promoted? My other colleague, JS told me that GS was "not happy" and he had a history here where he was not "treated well". It appears that he still cannot get over it and had this urge to "want more" to "compensate" for the "ill treatment". GS's experience seems to be similar to mine while I was in my previous job, which explain why I resigned. In a workplace, Human Beings can become strange creature. At times, we may overestimate ourselves or overlooked our ability to "change thing". We forget we are facing an organisation that has lots of procedure and every step of the ways must be treated with care. Letting Anger get the better of us only block us on our way up and nothing else. In the end, it appears that GS didn't quite get what he wanted from his promotion Another colleague in the promotion committee, commented to me that, GS didn't appear as good as he thought he was, despite him having four 4* published papers. It seems that he didn't quite present or packaged himself good enough for others to be convinced.

If unfortunately one were to be caught in situation that is tricky and the inner silent anger (because you didn't  think things are being fairly developed in your favour and this bothered you sometimes) cannot be properly  addressed, you end up bottleneck your anger and it turns into intensity and frustration. This affects the way you communicate with people and making it even harder, coming to important matter such as those related to promotion. The workplace could easily become a nightmare. Like what I once heard, "if you cannot change the environment, change an environment to suit you". Perhaps GS already know this which explains why he might leave the job. 

We may carry our anger with us, even the source of it may track back to the distant past. This could be our past workplace, for example. The harder one, however, is the anger that developed at home. It could easily pass down from older to younger generation, if unfortunately you are borne with problematic parents. I am glad I no longer have issue with that coming from the family. As for the workplace, the previous job which I had left and glad I did so, had provided me with insights that help me deal with job expectation and human relation appropriately, which should be crucial for my career advancement subsequently as I progress.

Discover your strength the fun way

".... Okay, Let's look at how animals behave.." 

I love horoscopes. I read a lot about horoscopes. I even try to guess other people's horoscopes and sometimes I got it right. I have a book  that tell me each and every fact about the Chinese horoscopes, the yin and the yang, the effect on the 5 elements and more interestingly, the cross over with the western horoscopes and the characters descriptions.

Being interested and believing in horoscopes could be a sign of being fatalistic, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, This is because I had fun in the process. Some people told me not to be too obsessed with this, as in this is a bit of "self-fulfilling" and could misguide oneself. I only know I would choose to believe in the "good" things that say about the horoscopes and ignore the "bad" one. This could motivate you if applied properly. At times, I get so "analytical" in it that I even use it as a guide in my human relations, as I slowly observed people along the way, helping me keep an interest with people and enhancing the relationship with them. Who can say horoscope does not serve any purpose.

I was borne in the year of Dog. I do make an conscious effort to think about the Dog's characters and relate that to myself. Yes, I can hear some said I should "hold life in my hand as it is my destiny", but sorry, I am not fighting this. I am following "what's there" and make the best of it. Certain things in life just won't change and in a good way, it should help move people in the positive direction, if managed well. The skills can be learnt.

If I am looking on the "good" side, then I should be thinking about the strength of dogs. One ability and strength of dogs are that,  dogs are capable of nursing their wounds. Applying this in my context means that, I would "move away" if I am aware I am "uncomfortable". This does not necessarily mean that I am physically hurt, but may be "emotionally unwell" too. Knowing and aware of this help me "nurse" it better and ensure they are sorted and gave me a chance to re-charge. In fact, I have been having a "time out" this few weeks, which explain why my blog was empty for a while.I am thinking there should be a couple of weeks within a month that this could happen and it needs some "nursing" and private reflection.

Knowing ones strength is important and knowing a bit about horoscopes help support oneself soul searching and identifying area that perhaps needs improvement and others which are the strength that can be tapped upon and use more often. This is an interesting alternative other than sourcing for "self-help" mechanism. It works for me.

Mrs Palfrey at the Claremont

"Have you thought of who would you like to be by your side when that day comes...."

In the end, Mrs Palfrey passed away on the hospital bed, next to her faked grandson, in "Mrs Palfrey at the Claremont", a story about the friendship between a 80 year old woman and a young writer. If time flow like water on a river stream, throughout one's life, then at one's old age, one would have reached the ocean as the water gradually flow and ended up. Ocean is deep, accepting and take on anything that eventually reached it. It is only the weather that stirred it up, but its nature is still peaceful, just like Mrs Palfrey.

Mrs Palfrey moved into a retirement hotel, the Claremont in London, just to be nearer to her daughter and grandson, so that she can be in touch with them frequently. One day, on her way back after helping Mrs. Arbuthnot (another hotel resident) to get the book she borrowed from the library, She had a little accident and on that chance encounter, she met Ludovic Meyer, a penniless young writer and struck up a curious friendship. She then  invited Ludovic for dinner at the hotel and they agreed a date, without even taking note of Ludovic's address, Mrs Palfrey left him. Later the day, upon Mrs Palfrey's returns, everyone at the hotel was excited that finally Mrs Palfrey would bring her grandson for a meal and they were all looking forward to that. It gave Mrs Palfrey a little trouble here, as she didn't correct the residents about the mistake they made, and so she asked Ludovic to be the "faked grandson" and the latter agreed! This then led to both opening up to each others about their lives, and a very heart warming friendship developed between them. It also then became clear that the relationship between Mrs Palfrey and her grandson and daughter was "emotionally distant". They hardly return her calls and kept her waiting, but then Ludovic kept her company, which Mrs Palrey was happy about.

The movie was powerful. It's not only about friendship, but what's thought-provoking was the moment of the last day of Mrs Palrey, that adds significance to this friendship with Ludovic. He was by her side, reading her poems day after day till the last. Nowhere can we see the real grandson, only the faked one. I began to wonder, does this matter to anyone at all? if you are on your last day, who do you wish to be by your side?

Actually, Mrs Palrey seemed not too troubled not having her own grandson around, even though it would be the best to have him. There is a certain degree of intellect/openness that allowed Mrs Palrey to engage with people better than others. I am thinking as people of my generation, who are relatively more educated, become old age and ill and laid on the sick bed one day, how would we feel and who would we wish to be by our side on our very last day? Perhaps those who we can connect with would be important to see on those last few days. Those people may or may not be our "closed" family members and it does not matter.

Ludovic narrated the following as the movie came to a close, "There are people that cross our live in tiny fraction of time, in the briefest of encounters, and yet they leave an indelible mark in our hearts, in our minds."  and I guess this summed up everything. Those whom we met and could connect with, may be the people we met only for five minutes. They remained the  most important, especially towards the end of our live, in our old age's days.

Doing "anything" is easy except doing "nothing"

"...... If you know how to do "nothing", one day you would find that you could just do "anything"......"

"How many of us actually sit and do nothing for at least five minutes a day in our daily life?". Natalie asked that in the first session of the meditation course I attended last August. The practice of the Raj Meditation is simply "sit and do nothing and keep a peaceful" mind. It's a very intuitive way to encourage people to start doing some forms of mediating. Since finishing the course last October, I have not been doing much meditation. I made doing "quality" meditation as my new year resolution. Even if we are "doing nothing", the mind may "wander" about and hence need some controls to stay put.

In order to motivate myself to do more meditations, and to remind and assure me of the positive impact, I should practice more often.  I first identified a time that I would need meditations, for example, in between doing two different tasks. Today, I meditated for 10 minutes. When I finished my two hours revision lecture, my lunch and some friendly nice chats with colleagues, you really need to "settle your mind" before the next task, so I switched myself off and "do nothing", just close my eyes and let my mind wander, not necessarily an empty, but peaceful (enough) mind.

I read an article, doing nothing, which says, "...... when doing nothing the prefrontal cortex is quiet…the human brain moves to a deeper state where thoughts and sensations come through without being controlled, judged, or censored" It looks like the state of mind of "doing nothing" is like in a "relaxed" state, where the mind is free of being controlled or judged.. I guess our mind is constantly being processed to think, evaluate, control or judged, simply because of the abundance of information. Therefore when no information are available when "doing nothing" (meditation), the mind becomes restless, instead of "resting". The mind wants to do things, but is finding it hard to "rest" and so end up "busy doing nothing".

I am finding that, though I am not doing a lot of meditation since beginning of the year, the frequent practice does help me develop a habit to remain calm in my mind. Meditation is like an anchor, holding me back and safeguarded me in time of "storm", help me keep calm as best as possible. It certainly needs a lot of practice and should bear fruits some days..

Who need anymore "time"?

"... When the right time is NOW...."

Steven Spielberg once said that, he loved what he do so much he didn't feel like he is "working" a single day. I often wonder what does obstacles mean to him? Has that ever made him think of the future and worry him? But perhaps it is the idea of "living in the NOW" that carried him from one day to the next? The fact that he enjoyed what he do seems to justify that. This interestingly mirrored what was advocated in a book that I recently read, "The Power of NOW" by Eckhart Tolle.What appeals to me in this book is the writing style, the sometimes poetic way to discuss the importance of the awareness of  NOW. I have not finished reading it yet, but I can see what the writer had written so far, was aimed at "describing" the process of living in the NOW, rather than "explaining" the importance to do so.

The author used two time frameworks that human mind adapt in daily life: psychological time frame and clock time. Psychological time is where the human mind brought the thought back to the past or into the future. Clock time is the time indicated by the actual clock time, i.e., the NOW. Explaining the rationale to live in the NOW, the author wrote "... if you no longer want to create pain for yourselves and others, if you do not want to add to the residual of the past pain that still lives on in you, then don't create anymore time...." This implies that the past or the future would cause a stir in your mind and living in the NOW will help you become peaceful and calm. This is not about avoiding the past or the future, just as a mean to see the way forward. Someone who know how to deal with "living in the NOW" should be also able to handle their psychological times as and when they need to

The author also related the issue of  "time" to "death", an issue that I wrote about a few times in my recent blog. He wrote "..... You will know it at the latest when you feel death approaching. Death is the stripping away of all that is NOT you. The secret of life is to "die before you die" - and you find that there is no death..."

The "stripping away" is such that before we die, no matter how rich or poor we are, we are ourselves, we face ourselves, not our possessions, not our  physical self or our friends and relatives, as they are NOT us. At that point, things in our life we genuinely try to avoid or ignore, for example, will come and haunt us. Haunt us because we are reaching our "exit" (i.e., death) and like a huge storm, we will be drown by it totally and so, we will have to face it. It is good to know what these are before we die, so that even if we may not overcome those issues we face, we at least address it. To do that, we need a calm and peaceful mind, to live in the NOW, learn to make sure our past or the future does not disturb us the slightest. That, I think, explains the power of NOW.

Technologically leveraged friendship

"...Be careful what you wish for.."

Talking about being sentimental and age and how this affects one's view of friendship, I am beginning to realise how powerful technology has developed in such a way that it changed the way you see friendship. I am the more conservative type. I don't have lots of friends on facebook, for example, and not intend on increasing too many too soon, and NOT (what a "narrow escape" on facebook, at least I tried) knowing people without first knowing/seeing them in REAL life. I think friendship can be enhanced by technology, but technology cannot totally replaced how one will know a person. Feeling can be wrongly interpreted, words can be misled. People that you don't know (or not seen at all in real life) only get connected to you by common interest, for example, where exchanges of opinions took place and nothing else. Any attempts in this case to try and take things too seriously would only be at one's risk.Yes, it is "superficial" because it cannot get any deeper than the emotional depth, but it serves some purpose. People should really be careful what they wish for. This is  my personal experience and opinion and only apply to some people.

When I was younger, living/working in  a place like Singapore (as least for me) makes one feel a little difficult about establishing good friendship, as in what basis are you "friending" people and what "motives", if it is for business, and if you stripped off the element of "business", what make people connect with people began to be clear and if you are not up for a friendship, then it all fell into pieces. I often have this issue while I was working in the commercial sector, dealing with clients and customers and serving them, and putting my minds making them happy people. I certainly didn't quite understand the sophistication of human relationships. I was also often caught up with not "catching up" with existing friends, as in if you not seen them for a while the friendship will "fade away" and then you feel so weird visiting them on Chinese New Year. You just not sure you visit them for the New Year or because you want to "catch up" with them. When things are not making sense, it lost me altogether.

I often quite fancy a good old fashion long distance friendship. Letter writing is such a sentimental experience, where you put your thoughts and emotion down, putting them in words and expressed them beautifully to your pals. Over time, technology advanced the pace and depth of friendship development. Generally or at least for me, I find people do meet, but maybe not so often, and we should not really bother too much about it, unless if you began to expect a bit more then this way of developing friendship is not for you (or maybe you should find a different type of website or way of communicating with your friends).

In short, in this context of friendship, meeting or no meeting does not matter, it's the quality of friendship that matter. I am enjoying and benefiting from this. My recent chats with friends, whom I last met only one or two years ago have been empowering and reassuring. May this carry on for as long as possible. Of course, people may come or they may just go, still there is no expectation whatsoever, it's really whether your other chat mates share the same belief with you on building friendship this way. I have been lucky to know friends supporting this belief. I would just enjoy the time and the quality that I get from such meaningful interactions, so thanks to GG, YC, George and a few others. Friendship has never been so simple.It's GREAT! :D